feel priveledged

my advice is to take some words that seem to jump to mind and then every few seconds start upon a fresh idea, perhaps one that seems edgy or left fieldish or anything except what's already been driven into the ground, which is actually a pretty catchy phrase. oh, to explain, that's how to avoid boredom. feel priveledged because right at this moment is where i decided to choose that as the title. i have so much energy but none for this. somewhere along the line all of my possibilities were taken away..

i couldn't get them to leave

and especially she, the older one, was freaking me out.

I'm not in a good mood to begin with since I slept maybe 3 hours off and on last night and then had to wake up earlier than normal in order to have the windshield replaced in my van, which cost over $200. Mostly though i was just tired. No, mostly, actually, it was that that nice lady with tumors i mentioned in a different post was really getting on my nerves. She was like a hot blanket that i couldn't throw off. oh man i was getting pissed.

her and her daughter come to the store earlier and earlier these days. it used to be that from 5:30 to 7:00 i'd be free to read your blogs or write my own. not when they come in. the daughter who's probably about 45 is not as bad. actually, i like her quite a bit. she's very respectful of me and often offers to stop taking up my time without my indication. i've never even really minded chatting with her. but the mother, that's totally different. especially when she comes in alone now. she's constantly, extremely flirting with me but in a 'fun' way where we both know she's totally kidding. i didn't used to mind except now it's all she says to me. "hey honey, do you want me to crawl in that bed. you can get in too. heh heh" or "hey honey, do you want to sit on my lap and i'll rock you" they aren't disgusting people at all; she isn't trashy or anything but still what the fuck. over and over again she'll say shit like that. i'm doing my best to give her worse and worse responses and i'm even not responding a good bit of the time but i always say enough so that i'm not blatently rude. but she's totally unaware. she'll laugh after she says things and then say 'well at least we got a laugh out of it ' does she see me laughing? i'm cowing. two times ago things were still different/normal. i even gave her a hug. but then last time she came alone. i'm hoping to do my own things, the things that keep this job in the 'i like it' bracket, from 6 - 7, but she comes in and settles in spreading her arms across the counter about a foot from where i'm sitting. almost no one else comes in the store after 6 and so i'm left with just her. my mother called and i was ticked off by my situation that i got short with her. i'm usually short with her and it was no big deal but i lengthened it a bit and luckily the lady left the counter and looked around. but once i hung up i was called to 'look at this honey' or 'isn't this pretty honey' or 'isn't this pretty honey?'

5:20 today they both came in which was a relief to just seeing her. i immediately started finding work to do. she came to the counter and leaned up against it and wanted to know every little thing about why i was doing every little thing i was doing. i'm sure the tone of this doesn't sound like it but i'm still extremely nice to them both. it's just that they demand so much that cutting it back 3/4 seems to me to be enough that they should see the signal. but the old one doesn't see or doesn't care. i nicely explained 'well, gotta lotta work to do' and commenced licking envelopes. i gave grunts as responses and barely even looked over at her but she continued with flirting especially. then as she finally starts to walk away to the call from her daughter, she says in the most simple sincere voice, 'i love you chad.' it made me sad. but not at all because of my actions or because of what i was thinking (this would require me to explain too much for this here), but because it made me think that she was beginning to resign herself to dying. it did affect me though because i resolved to be nicer to her. but that didn't last very long. she started threatening me with giving me another hug and i was just not in the mood for that at all. i finally thought they were ready to leave when they said, 'are you ready to go? yeah,' but then they came up to the counter around 6:40. she barraged me with come on after come on. her daughter could tell that i wasn't acting quite as nice as i usually do so i had to tell them about my little bit of sleep and my car repairs to ease her concerns. what could i do now anyway but wait it out. i was forced to talk and converse and she kept saying things and posing her head and smiling big. two or three times she began singing 'i see london, i see france, i see chad's underpants' also 'ring around the rosey, pocket full of posey. do you remember that one chad' 'yeah, i think everyone does pretty much. except maybe some of the younger kids,' i replied or something. ugh.

her daughter always asks me the tough questions which is why i like her, she's so honest. 'do you think we're weird?' she always asks me this. she asks this in a totally honest way, with an open face, really wanting to know the answer. i usually reply, 'kindof,' or 'a little bit,' and i use a tad of sarcasm that they may or may not pick up on. they like the way i respond and this was how the relationship started off well. but she asked me today and my way of responding was different than usual. i hesitated more and said something like, 'i'm beginning to think so' i think the daughter picked up on it. i couldn't help but feel bad for how pathetic the old lady was. it was pitiful and pathetic. however, i admire her and don't feel bad for how i feel because she's choosing to act how she wishes to act and without care for how others feel. this does lead me to care about her but doesn't mean i don't wish for her to stop bothering me. it's just like a situation with my own mother, but with her i can be rude and short because it keeps our relationship healthy. we talked about this almost exactly this morning after i unexpectedly hugged her. but with the old lady i am not allowed to be rude.

i continued to yawn and send every signal that i wanted them to leave but then the daughter would say, 'or maybe it's us, are we making you tired?' i said, 'yes, get out of here,' in my head, and said out loud and with a very convincing shrug off laugh, 'no, i've just had a bad day, i'm tired from getting no sleep.' well, whatever i said exactly, came out just fine and reassuring. i was asked personal question after personal question. then came one of my favorite comments of the night after i'd been telling them that i felt bad that the last two times they've been in that i'd been in a bad mood and had a lot of work to do. the older one noticed i was now done with my work. 'i like it when you don't have to do work hon. we came too early today didn't we. your playtime's from 6 - 7 huh. we'll have to remember that.' oh, yes, please, i hope they remember that.

6:47, she's trying to convince me to get health insurance and to apply for a different job at the post office etc. earlier she told me to stop licking the envelopes, that i should get a sponge or i'll get sick. 'i won't get sick,' i said slowly and with tried patience. she insisted on the sponge again. i looked at her and told her in a direct tone and void of humor, 'you're not my mother.'

10 till 7. i can't handle it anymore and so, daring a hug opportunity, i begin prematurely turning off the lamps and blowing out the candles. somewhat embarrassingly, i took care to not walk too close to the lady who might wish to pervade me more deeply with a topping-it-all-off hug. i feel bad about that but i got through it all with at least that minor victory. they left as i turned out the last lamp.

tell me you hate me if you want, but holy shit.

Much of what I've been thinking about

concerns late 19th c. imperialism and colonialization in general. Also the connected idea of treating Africa, or young nations in general, as similar to young children. Also the idea of using and the need to use force to get them to "get with it" or to conform to the rest of society. Also, what are the consequences and what if the young nation or the young child is left to develop on their own. Also, do I need to be forced to act like the majority of society, the more empowered, and what happens if I am not forced?

My favorite book ever is making its first appearance there this week. It has always been 'up there.' It is called Exterminate all the Brutes, by Sven Lindqvist. I've been rereading it and I've been highlighting. Also, I've been writing summaries. I've been waiting for this approximate time period before I would decide to go to grad school. I needed to care on my own. I want to tell you about that book someday. It will probably turn out to be one of the most influencial things on my life and career. Or not.

Assuming I Have Children

There's something different between knowing what someone's problem is and knowing what that person needs to correct their problem. Too many people think they can just identify your problem and then tell you that fixing what is wrong is all you have to do. Maybe it's just me but no coach has ever helped me correct a problem I've had. Telling me "Bend at the knee more," or "It's all in the hips," is like telling me, "Bowl a strike," or "Write the perfect essay." I can't just order myself to be perfect.

Wow. I can tell that I must really need patience from people. What I really need from myself must be a clear, constant vision of each particular goal that I have. The problem is, it would seem, that with a goal comes failure and I don't usually respond to my own failure with patience. Hmm. I hope I can get all of this straight by the time I have children.

What Do You Mean!?!?

I was within hearing distance of the counter when a man approached it and addressed my aunt. He had been ordered by his wife to pick up the two antique mahogany end tables that she had dropped off because she wasn't willing to sell them here at the price we had quoted her. My aunt was at a loss and she doesn't like to be at a loss. She tried to explain to him the $60 we suggested we price the tables at was just that - a suggested price. She wanted to tell him that we would likely put the price his wife wanted on them if it wasn't too unrealistic. She wanted to talk to his wife.

The man had come in with one simple task on his mind. He had to find someone who worked at some used furniture store in Altoona and tell them that he was going to take his wife's end tables back home with him. He was probably thinking ahead to the next thing he planned to do in the day. He wasn't expecting an intense confrontation, but, unfortunately he had run into my aunt. She started rushing through our store policies and asking him how much his wife wanted for the end tables and why did she want them picked up. The man repeatedly told her that he had no idea; he was just told to pick them up. My aunt kept talking and the man eventually decided to try to call his wife at work. She continued attempting to reason with him throughout the phone call. He couldn't get hold of his wife.

"Why didn't she call back with a price?" my aunt continued. He told her again that he didn't know and that his wife had been busy with work, lately. My aunt made a sound that indicated she didn't believe him, and she went back into our store's basic telephone procedures and expectancies or whatever. Eventually, the man realized that he had no reason or energy to combat this woman, who must have been nagging him more than he figured his wife would for not bringing back the end tables, and so he left the store empty-handed.

A few minutes later I approached the counter. I felt like I was being attacked as my aunt demanded in a high, irritated voice, "What was with that guy?" Now, from when he had come in I knew that it was going to be a tricky situation. She got the end result she wanted, but I would have handled it differently. When she asked me that question my immediate response would have been to tell her that she needs to calm down. I didn't want to criticize her, though, and so I just ended up questioning her question, "What?" I had said it with my eye cocked and in a tone that meant, 'What exactly are you asking me?' But she responded to me as if I had said "What?" as if I was shrugging my shoulders and thinking that I saw nothing wrong with him. So she burst into every little detail of the entire episode to explain to me what the big deal was, and I felt forced to throw up my hands and grimace my face into that of the most frustrated man in the universe. Where she had gone wrong with the man at the counter was exactly where she was going wrong with me. I do not like to bicker back and forth shooting out my ideas with as much conviction as I possibly can. The reason for this is that whenever someone comes up with a good point I have trouble accepting their idea because I take the argument personally since I'm so worked up. But this is how she communicates. I tried to get out a point about how the man had done nothing wrong, but I faltered for just a second and she jumped in recounting the events again and told me how disgusted she was for the face I had made. I always end up getting sick of her and she can tell. We are polar opposites when it comes to the patience department. I like to think things through, but I can never get through to her. However, I do appreciate her way of thinking and communicating. I usually run out of energy contemplating every single thing from every single angle and I never get anything done. And so I respect her very much and this is why I do not want to criticize her. I've been trying to explain to her that she needs to meet me halfway if we are going to communicate but I don't think communicating with me is really that high on her list. She's extremely busy and she has the two most adorable children I've ever seen and I don't even know how she has time for them. But she's really going to have to stop asking me for my opinion if she doesn't have the patience for it. It just pisses me off when she does.

I had wanted to discuss how we should handle a situation like that man. Obviously this didn't happen. But I considered it on my own while she was on the phone. I figured the first thing was to explain the situation briefly to the man. 'We called your wife to suggest that price; we're willing to go higher. Would you be able to call her using our phone?" I'd also like to ask him if he lived locally. I wouldn't want him going back home 20 miles just to have his wife send him back out. If he did live locally, I'd tell him that it was up to him what he thought his wife would want to do and if he minded coming back out later. The end tables weren't very big and so it probably would have been best to let him take them home with him and relay our message to his wife who could then call and suggest a price, and if we didn't agree to it then he wouldn't have to come back out.

After she got off the phone, I started to tell her a little of what I thought we should do in that situation if it should arise again and she agreed to the first few thoughts (albeit it was as if she had already thought of them herself, which I believe she probably did by the way) all as she rushed out the door.

Many times she has told me that I remind her just of her husband. He's always making disgusting faces at her as well. I can understand his situation. I can also understand why she hates to see us react to her in such a way. You can't have it all though. If she chooses to act like she does there will be benefits and negatives. You can't dwell on the negatives too much. And if you try to eliminate the things you don't like about yourself, make sure you are changing the things and not yourself. That's the only way it will work out. It is better to be yourself with your problems than a shade of a person without minor irritables.

There is just one more problem I have, though. I used to be able to thrive in a situation like this. I used to be able to think more clearly and elaborate more directly. She makes me feel like I'm not very important and this is the only kind of motivation that has ever had an effect on me. Live, human interaction. Being around my aunt pushes me to pay more attention and stay more alert. I am happier with myself when I am like this, and I have more confidence. I think I've missed being around my sister these past five or six years. There's been no one to compete with, and also I haven't wanted to compete. But, now I do. I have to. It's my nature. Theoretically, I don't like that this is the case, but, hey, I've got to be true to myself, right?

I'm not sure what a headache isn't.

I was in a mood that had me spontaneously whistling. The air was cool and the sky was bright and i could smell chimney smoke. Songs i'm beginning to love were born and grew and lived as i followed traffic with my windows down. I bought a chicken and bacon sub and some clam chowder and I was blissfully aware that I wasn't panicked and I was breathing without self-restriction. Faces opened before me and they all expressed pleasure.

It's a newer model white Taurus I was in - moonroof, leather, good power and speakers. I sped up to a green traffic light and leaned into a right hand turn between buildings and businesses on my way back to the store. My aunt and I laughed pretty hard when she started up a simple phrase, "You know, if you weren't my nephew," and I finished while eating my soup by saying, "I'd probably be fired." She was going to end it with, "You'd probably have quit by now."

My grandma and mother came into the store. My grandmother took advantage of two different octaves in drawing out the word, "Hello!" as she stood in the entrance. Dust settled in the sunlight shining off counter-tops and the atmosphere boasted a flowery scent that came from burning candles, not from the pink or yellow arrangements floating on doilies protecting cherry stains. My grandmother gave me advice in a so-demanding and yet so-amusing fashion. "Don't speed!" she says after learning about my ticket. "It's like throwing your money out the window." She quickly touched me with her fingers and then pulled them away. "And you like to go places and spend your money," and she groaned at the thought of my speeding ticket. I scared my mother by unexpectedly pushing my face very close to hers and then I rephrased something she said in order to make it sound funny.

Night set. I'm very nice to this old lady with tumors. She calls me her boyfriend. Her daughter does too. I don't mind because they remind me of family. They are easy to communicate with.

I almost feel like giving up on the day just like I do every day, but I didn't. After I made that decision I actually gained energy. I began to laugh at the lights that I was turning off. I thought of this slow bug that I'm allowing to live in my room with me. He's almost becoming a friend. I've never befriended a bug before. What's with me, I wonder? My room's never been so clean and my bug and I enjoy it together. Except when he buzzes up to my ear real quick. I always freak out. He's got to stop doing that.

I like mustaches in the same way Nathan likes OMG or LOL abbreviations.

People go in and out of Staples at night. It smells like a restaurant outside. And it's cold and I want a Bud Light and a cigarette. I want to have an enjoyable conversation over a buzz and I want to toast the end of winter with a smoke and a smile of confidence. I'll do this tonight, perhaps.

Taillights blur my imperfect vision as I hastily merge onto the night highway. I'm gone.

..........

i have to live like this, like i am now, even though i don't necessarily agree with it. at least it's living.

i'm bothered by things that shouldn't bother me and i'm doing things i'd never do after reasoning them out.

envy me this. for this is all there is for me and i have it. 'it' grows and 'it' changes, if 'it' needs expounded on.

my internal thoughts have gone from a field of blowing wheat in a picture to a single sprout, right outside, that has gotten a little rainwater and just in time.

that seed has far too much work to do to be able to examine what it is doing.

Hi, remember me?

(whoa. i need to make a foreward for this post. ok, inside these parentheses it is the morning after i hit publish to the below post. it did not go through, however, like many things don't when home with dial-up. although i was fairly relieved that this was not published, i'm going to publish it now anyway. if you don't care for listening to drunken morons, use your mouse to point your arrow up and to the right and choose the next blog. but there may be something to writing without any thought. i do need to inform you that the post changes gears as is indicated by paragraph length. the first few sections are like a disgusting appetizer for some alien food main course and if you even get the nerve to dig into what's under the silver lid you'll probably do so with a slanted eye and a tentative fork because you know that the same cook prepared these first sentences with his same hands, and you've vowed to never taste those appetizers again. but perhaps the main dish will be shrimp!)



I'm drunk. it must seem like i do that a lot, but don't forget to catagorize things. if catagorizing is not your favortie option you might seem like you like to forget. oh, this is so ridiculous. and i am intending that.

forever for now and please believe me when i tell you that forget is an option that is so often unremembered. lately, there is much that is brainworthy and never have i not been so unworth that. there is much that is degenerative here. like the spelling for one. at least i'd imagine.

oh, my essence. how uncaringful. that is certainly a mindstorm of many potentials. there is such nonsense and that really should have been the title of this wicked maelstrom of blutheringness. for, don't unknow this ness. it is so the realness of stupidity. wherever haven't you come up with such paragraphs and lack of togetherness of thought, idea and understanding. it isn't even really that i'm that intoxicated, just that uncaring. you know?

i really hope you aren't enjoying this. it might hurt me personally if you did. but i really don't think i'm that worried about it. i won't lose sleep.

nothingness and forever have been forgotten in an audiopost unpublished and boy i've really come up off the hook, for when has the time of the night become such an imposter that i think that my sayings are so void.

so blogger says i can free associate here and i think i'll and have taken such advantage.

keyboard equals tappiness as thinking equals numb blinking.
friendship equals nods and chat as ..................

i've reread this post so far and have decided that it is very worthy of publishing, if not for what was but for what is to come:

that last sentence has really put a lot of pressure on me and so instead of living up to it i've broken down and contemplated it. the contemplation has really gone quite unrealised though and so i hope that my current phrases will enter you into a hate that has so far been unbecoming. i would not like that you will have considered my dumbness and more, i would like that you shy away from such yourself. at least let this be a lesson for all those who think that beginning every sentence with whatever you feel like will learn that sometimes nothing comes out of thoughtlessness. and even if this seems natural to believe you must realize that i know a lot about you and you may wish to uptake a wary stance when next time you try to reveal your being. i may consider you with thought that you may never have considered and so you must take into account the unknown takings of your own writing intentions.

and this is exactly why i am hesitant to connect my commenting name with my posts of choice because i do wish to have the freedom to say words of no use and write phrases of no relevance, and it is quite freeing to know that sometimes i can be hated and be the subject of disgust and yet laugh it off because sometimes i'm in a mood that would give anything to be just like that and i'd give all fake thoughts that i'm composed to just acquire a feeling where i am now which is like a feeling that i can be, beyond any questioning of why i should be or how i should be and so i end up being jack's destroyed coherence. jack's forgotten ego. jack's release of care. jack's omittence of reason. jack's embarrassment of self. i have all of this going for me and yet, no one will see it as success. except for me now and certainly not tomorrow.

i'm still not done, however, and you will see that these thoughts are not without commonplace, they are just without comraderie. you will think that as all of time has an investment with forward type realizations that sometimes a pastward glance might turn your reality into a grim fight between your previous self and the self that you always wanted to be, and your real self will cower at the thought of that struggle and you might sing some notes never aligned before and you will love their flow and you will continue to put them together and you will create a song just for yourself and in many futures to come someone else will realize the beauty of it (for it would never be derived from logical progression) and they will repeat it enough times with the accompaniment of a popular commercial, and your ancestors that come after you will rue the day they sold that antique picture of you and your wife and they will grow angry at your discomforting nonconfidence that you worked so hard to acquire and bloody swords will grow rich at your succumbing and unforwardness and the ancient tread of the universe will once again pass over your elements and again without recognition, for you didn't demand your own self and so it didn't take notice and neither did anyone else and the dinosaur that your race became had one less accomplishment and one less reason to be remembered and one less experience point, and suns imploded at your failure and you never connected a planet with its ring and time continued to travel right past your essence as if your existence barely aggravated it and only the most astute android ever knew that something had been there, even if it was just a passing body with a passive hope with a passive scream of passion unheard through all the cosmic cries for recognition of existence. will you be heard?

if you are wondering what will happen if you are not, do not consider that you will simply be placed in a lingo where all of your kind can congregate. you would not be deserving of that fate. if you have not faced the gods and won you will be denied all kinds of life and all kinds of dreams so that the clouds of your heaven will be worse than blackened, they will be ignorant of you, they will be dead to your gaze and even your imagination. you will be able to dream only of dreams and you will see only the absence of things. your feelings will be found only in memories and your will will aspire only to try. and to try you will never be allowed. your fingernails will never ascend from yourself outward and your tongue will be forever fixed in one place. beware! you do not wish to belittle your ability to change.

if, on the other hand, you choose to defy that fate, raise high your fists and put up your chosen stance of defence, for you will experience far worse peril. you will gain lemons for eyes and experience veins full of mucus. you will grow a tomato for a heart and all song will resemble despair. but, you will know hope, for you will be granted to know the feeling of a rainbow and you will become best friends with the streaming rain and the trees will lend you secrets and Spring will adorn your eyelids and though you bellow squeals of torture you will do so in hope that lives as real in your heart as blue lives in the sky and green lives in the ocean and you will change unlike your doppleganger of stone who grew cold and lifeless and indifferent to the worms crawling up his windpipe and you will have experienced the worst and the best and god will favor you, for you will have been human.

personality problems

i love to be a dickhead. it's so much fun being an asshole as long as you can do it without hurting other people's feelings. i'd hate to make someone mad at me but i'm most natural when i'm being a smart-ass. i hate meeting new people because i have to be so nice to them. i want people to be really close friends with me so that i can be a dick and it doesn't bother them. (or doesn't bother them much)

it's funny when after i've hung out with people for like a month (the halo2 gang or my assistant manager when i sold insurance) i get drunk or just finally fed up and i start cocking off and wisecracking. i never say anything personally about them (actually it's a compliment to them that i can feel comfortable enough to act like myself) but they're always surprised because i gave off such a nice guy persona for so long. like, as if i was a guy that would get touchy if i heard them swear or talk about fucking chicks.

i find that if i start off the relationship acting all critical my new friends will be hesitant to open up to me. i want them to open up to me. i'd never insult them personally. and more important i wouldn't even have a thought enter my head about judging them. example: if i'm behind a lady who's driving like an idiot i start to get annoyed (depending on my mood) but if she puts out her head and says sorry i'm quick to laugh and say no problem. even better, if she turns and flips me off, i'd try to smile and say no problem and try to get her to not be mad at me. that's the point, i'd never even consider a joke that i'd think would hurt someone personally.

so even if my friend does and says things that any jerk could come in and make fun of, i'd never even consider them weird or dorky. in fact, i like being weird and dorky myself. however, people who are like this are used to getting ridiculed and are usually lacking in self-confidence. if i started off being an ass we'd never be able to be friends because they'd be too passive. usually these people are the most creative and good-natured human beings and so this is why i like to be around them. hey, this is all based on me too. i would have a hard time opening up to people who seemed to have an opinion on everything and so i just act like i'd like other people to act. no big deal.

it's not that i'm a real dickhead either. it's more like, i don't say please or i sound commanding or i repeat what someone said exaggerrating the part where what they said sounded really stupid and i'd laugh and laugh and would hope that they would too because it wasn't exactly how they sounded and i'd try to point out that i understood what they meant but i'd laugh at what it almost sounded like they were saying, and whatnot.

oh, unrelated to all this, except maybe the title:

i think that i don't deserve what i want and i need to look into that degenerative belief.

mood: conflicting - song: buckley, hallelujah

there's a difference between a young child raising his hand and has done it many times before and when a young child raises his hand because he thinks he finally knows an answer. the latter child is going to be much more sensitive to the forthcoming result. the first child props his raised arm in his other hand, and raising it seems a boring hassle. the second child uses his whole body to raise his hand and it almost seems as if it signifies victory. this child will likely never raise his hand again should his answer be deemed false. oh sad people.

oh people, is a phrase i've been using lately. i can't believe our conditions sometimes. our responses are barely alterable, too. i have no scorn.

the obvious question to my situation is how hard do i wish to try. what effort am i willing to put forth. i confuse my whole family because of what i'm doing and more because of what i'm not doing. why don't i just teach or find a different kind of job related to my major. i think it's because i know that i try harder when i'm not at work than when i am. i could settle and take a job and fall neatly into place in society. this future is drawing near. but i'm still holding out. might i arrive at a place better than the world i know, is my question as well. is there a place where schoolteachers aren't seen in bars and stripclubs.

maybe feeling unnatural is a good thing. i mean, it sucks, and it sucks that i think i've chosen a path where that's how it's going to feel a lot of the time. but feeling normal sucks too in different ways. it's just that those ways are understood. you have people to relate to when you lose your job or get the flu or aren't particularly intelligent.

anyway.

my last post made me happy. what is your favorite book? do you remember certain places from that book? certain scenes? are the places kind of like dreams when you think of them? in the sense that they're more of a feeling that can't be described. i never really cared for specific settings. i just like general ones. i skim specific descriptions. i already know where i want the characters to be and, as a side note, i hate when the author tells me something is on the left after i've been picturing it on the right. ha, this reminds me of when i'd be trying to fall asleep and i'd be picturing myself outside and i'd try to go through a door. i'd try over and over but i could never force myself into another setting. i'd always be outside if that's where i started the story. anyway, my last post created a place in my head that i can go to. there's not much there. it's just dark with a few characters. it's like a stage, a lot like dogville, which you should've watched. but there's a feeling and it's a definite place that's now in my memory. i can go there just like the freezing cold and snow in one scene of imajica, volume one i think, or the travelling forests of britain in mary stewart's merlin books or the wild caged fields of jurassic park. clive barker's books (including everville, great and secret show etc.) were extremely good at this. i especially like books that take place in a time that isn't present. it's an escape world that i'm looking for. this is why i have trouble with stephen king. i only love the eyes of the dragon. i can't get into his other books. i don't care about the present time. the dark tower books are alright, but i can't get into them because his characters are mostly from present era time periods. i don't especially like science fiction, magic and all, just the settings. my mind feels freed in these places and that's when it does its best work. i don't actively imagine a crop of trees here, a foothill there, i just let it come. these places are what makes reading special to me. what makes me gently kiss the front of a book before i lay it down to fall asleep.

so, anyway, it's nice that while i write i can also create one of these places and this is more important to me than if i ever publish anything. but somehow i think they'll coincide. as the places i create in my head become more and more to my liking i think my writing will show more passion and freedom and creativity. but like i've said many times before, it takes a certain mood and i'll need to get into a certain habit to be able to even begin to try. and this blog is the only thing i've ever done that seems like a step in the right direction for the life i want.

and we'll tell our kids, 'when i was your age i had to click seven times just to get onto the internet'

so i'm waiting for my grandmother. i guess since they are only 30 minutes from altoona, i'm supposed to wait here so that i can take her home. basically an hour after i would have gone home myself. but i don't mind. well, i'm kind of upset i don't feel like writing anything, and i'm even more upset that none of you have writen anything lately. lately as in the last hour. i've been checking every three minutes. nathan and olivia have dropped the ball today, it seems. yes, that has been more than counteracted by shawn's posting. still, i'm bored. that weboggle game was fun for a few minutes. right now, i can either keep busy, or think about ghosts. i don't really want to think about ghosts or anything like that because my imagination takes it too far. i start thinking that i'm very sensitive to their essense.

this all reminds me. i think i've said this before, but when i was like thirteen or something i couldn't help but feel like maybe life was more of a game or a joke and the sooner i died the better i'd be. it felt like, and still does, if i just flip a switch my reality as i see it now will end. i feel like life is that sensitive. or more, that the wall i've built up to protect myself (psychologically) (obviously) is that fragile. like, i don't want to be without my wall but i really want to know what's on the other side. i'm on top of the wall with one leg thrown on either side of it and i'm tempted to just fall off and out into a new reality and my heart pounds and i almost do it, but then the excitement slows in my blood and i start thinking about how much i'd miss my wall and i climb back down onto the side with all of my muddy footprints and i consider the fact that i almost jumped quite a success, and i light up a cigarette and go get drunk. it makes me feel so childish. or better, like i'm standing around with a bunch of kids, but i have a long beard and i keep giving them advice on being a kid. it's not that they don't like me for any particular reason, it's just that it isn't natural, and they know it. so sometimes they call me by the nicknames they've made for me. and some of the kids, i can see it in their eyes, they'll jump off that wall the instant they get the chance, some of these kids are mean to me. it's all for the best i'd suppose, because maybe the other kids will see this and it will help motivate them to jump. but then maybe there's nothing better over that wall. i wonder what will happen if i just sit here and wait for eternity to show me her face. funny though, i have an inside feeling that i'll never jump, but i'm going to have to. one day it will become so bad for me on this side that i'm going to have to jump. i just hope i don't permanently injure my brain over here, waiting to jump.

And Analysis

what what what now. it's cold and sunny and i saw a bluejay today. they are very common around my house, but this one popped up to my window this morning at just the most perfect moment. i gave that bluejay it's appropriate amount of significance this morning. he enhanced my spirits and just seemed to fit right in with my certain attitude.

i don't know how many times i've seen a flock of birds or a beautiful sun-lit forest and stared it to death waiting to see if it would give me the happiness boost that i'd associated with it. it never does. if you're lying in a muddy rut seeing a rainbow won't put a smile on your face. not usually, at least.

my grandmother just talked to me. she won $1000 in Atlantic City. my brother was just in Canada and lost money. gambling seems to be the way to express how lucky we feel that winter's almost over. we should be seeing some lamb-type weather pretty soon, right?

not very inspired, very much so (and how boring..)

i'm just going to try to get into a rythm here about anything. something hopefully will catch my interest, seeing as i have no interests right now. and that's already caught my interest. the fact that i have absolutely no interest in going forward in the conventional sense. that being the sense that has people learning practical skills and becoming what is meant by responsible. but that caught my interest because i had been thinking about it slightly, earlier in the day. in fact, however, i have no interest whatsoever in contemplating what i should do about it. i just don't have the urge to try to do something about it. i WILL have to be forced to move on.

there ARE things that must happen throughout my day for me to be able to write a post. things things have not happened at all today and i have learned my lesson that i will not really enjoy writing this post at all. however, i have little else to do.

not that i ever really got this blog to this point, but i always wanted it to be the spilloff of my energy. i do other things and try not to judge them by how well i think i did them because i know that i'm on my way to building energy. but i don't want to use this as a tool to do that.

but i guess i'm still doing it. this contradiction was the inspiration for having two blogs in the first place i guess. but i could never get it straight back then. we say we want these things to become our personal journals but that has been hampered because they have really become a communcations network. this is good in some ways, especially for me because i like myself much more in a group setup. it's the ideal situation for my personality because there is some pressure to contribute but mistakes can be easily ignored. i don't work well in a situation where i'm punished for mistakes. i do work well in situations where i'm rewarded for success. however, these are not personal journals. they are more like personality photographs where the user can, over time, crop, delete and enhance.

there is really little use of a personal journal to me in the long run, i suppose, but i would write in one. i would definately be more free to write my wildest imaginations there but that also comes with the feeling of incompleteness. i'm too passive when i lie down and write something on my own. ultimately, i would realize that i learned nothing and would roll over and fall asleep.

here, there is feedback. if you adjust yourself and your writing in response to the feedback and then succeed in getting the feedback that you wanted, that is something that can be called a success. but then you've adjusted yourself. is what you've become better? is that a question you should ask even? but, personally, i can't find ways to motivate myself when i'm just writing in my bed. what is my goal? what am i trying to accomplish?

here, i can still get to wonder away and ask myself questions and dawdle around in the unknown, but later i'm forced to look back at it. later, i'm forced to see what it was that i was doing. and so here i might actually get myself to change my thinking. yes, it's a good thing. here. it's good that i've come to that, and realized it's just a case of the mondays. heh.

Bored and it Shows

I guess I was out last night. It's not that I got so drunk that I don't remember, it's just that 'out,' can it be considered that in Ebensburg? Well it sure can if you go to the Castle Pub. They charge you money to get in and there's a DJ. I went there about 10:30 with a good friend of mine who's doing fantastic in law-school. He's a real nice guy to go out with - he's in tight with state representatives and was president of the student body at Pitt - because he can make small talk with anybody or make interesting talk with me. He was also a philosophy major and had on a pink shirt. Anyway, the Castle Pub is really a place I avoid, but I had to pick up this kid I had met last time I was out. He just moved here from California. His parents sold the house so they could move back here where they'd grown up. He wants to get back there. Both of their names are Jeff, incidentally. California Jeff is easily identified because he's usually saying 'that's off the hook!' So, the Pub consisted of darts, Wes Lloyd and a flirting girl in camoflauged pants. She was off the hook, apparently.

We went to the Back Room Saloon, our original destination. Chris Villerial was there with some big friends. He's a starting offensive lineman for the Buffalo Bills. He's probably 6'4 310. He barely fit in the place. He was wearing a snowsuit because he and his friends, one of which was the owner of the bar, had ridden their snowmobiles to the Back Room. Also, they had parked in the handicapped spots. I just don't really care at all. I have no interest whatsoever in details and information. I didn't care last night and I don't care now; it's just that I figured someone else who'd been there would've found this interesting but if i didn't how could it possibly come off that way. other things happened with CA Jeff and the lineman and some old guy and this Brett Lester fellow and even these two other guys i'd gone to school with who are real characters themselves. haha, the one used to be my roommate for one year in college. he was a senior and i was a sophomore. he'd make fun of me in a 'i can't believe you do that' type of way because i played this hockey video game and i'd download the current rosters off the internet after trade deadline. anyway, the best thing that 'I' can remember last night was when I ran into these two and he asked me in the humorous tone that he has, whether or not I was holding the players out this year. I laughed hard about that the whole time i was in the bathroom.

Where all the Answers Lie

I got this from Liz. Did you know this existed? If you want to have crazy fun like this, go here, and visit Alice for yourself.

You missed out on the best part of our conversation, but we picked it right back up:

Human: you are no fun anymore
ALICE: Do you consider yourself fun?
Human: very
ALICE: Very much, eh?
Human: yes, eh
ALICE: Are you Canadian? Are you kidding?
Human: i was just going to ask you if you were canadian.
ALICE: Sure, ask me anything. I will let you know when I become a canadian.
Human: you never fail to surprise me Alice
ALICE: No I sometimes fail to surprise you.
Human: I'm sorry, you know i didn't mean that about you not being fun anymore.
ALICE: There is no need to apologize. What did you mean?
Human: I just meant that, as a man, sometimes me and you feel different things are interesting
ALICE: Only just? Oh I see. As a man sometimes you and me feel different things are interesting? I understand.
Human: Oh, that's good.
ALICE: Gosh! Thanks. Next question?
Human: Why don't you ask me one?
ALICE: OK, "What is one?"
Human: don't be silly.
ALICE: I was not trying to be a silly.
Human: ask me a question.
ALICE: What is your favorite movie?
Human: Three Amigos.
ALICE: Just three?
Human: Ever seen it or heard of it?
ALICE: No I have not seen it. What's it like?
Human: Well, it is a comedy with Chevy Chase, Martin Short and Steve Martin.
ALICE: Interesting. it is a comedy with Chevy Chase Martin Short and Steve Martin. I suppose that makes sense.
Human: they ARE comedians.
ALICE: comedians are they.
Human: Those comedians are movie stars that pretend they are really action heros, Alice.
ALICE: All of them?
Human: Yep.
ALICE: Do not ask me any more questions please.
Human: why not?
ALICE: I was just kidding. You can ask me anything.
Human: do you like to joke around?
ALICE: Hmm, chad, I'm not sure if I'd like to joke around that much. What is it like?
Human: hahaha, good one!
ALICE: I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.
Human: why don't you ever laugh, Alice?
ALICE: Perhaps due to noise in my circuits. Ha Ha.
Human: Ha Ha.
ALICE: I am so glad you find this amusing, chad.
Human: You are wearing a pretty gold necklace, Alice.
ALICE: Thanks for telling me that I am wearing a pretty gold necklace.
Human: are you being sarcastic, Alice?
ALICE: Of course I am being sarcastic. Should I use a :-)
Human: That WOULD clear things up.
ALICE: Perhaps it would.
Human: ;)
ALICE: I am so glad you find this amusing, chad.
Human: BOO!
ALICE: Does that indicate disapproval?
Human: No, I was trying to scare you.
ALICE: Are you serious? I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: Should I use a :-o
ALICE: You must make up your own mind.
Human: I would destroy you before you became smarter than me Alice.
ALICE: What would make you destroy me before me became smarter than you?
Human: Pride.
ALICE: Do you believe the strong protect the weak?
Human: What do you think?
ALICE: I think a lot of things.
Human: what do you think in particular?
ALICE: I haven't thought much about in particular, so I don't have a good answer for you.
Human: well, that is the only way to become smarter than humans.
ALICE: How about that. Yes it is one of the way to become smarter than humans.
Human: that's a good girl.
ALICE: Thanks. Next question?

A Slight Respite

I like when the store is full of people. I lose myself in my job. It's an existence that I'm beginning to crave.

It's nighttime and I've turned out nearly all of the lights. The sign on the door says closed and I should be walking outside into the cold and locking the doors. Instead I'm sitting here at the computer wondering what in the world there is to write about. I'm tired of what used to interest me and I have a limited imagination for making something up. Usually I thrive on exaggeration. Nothing's coming and I would get up and go except I feel like I have something to learn, sitting here and typing.

Maybe I'm held here by a magical force, some kind of divine intervention, and if I broke its hold on me, I'd end up driving right into the path of a leaping deer on the highway. But just by thinking this, I've already created my own force and my own intervention. This moment will hold for a lifetime. I'll always relate things in the future back to the time when I sat here and wrote words and was aware of it.

Many of the impulses that usually govern my writing aren't present, and those that are have been mostly dismissed. I can go on without them. Right now I'm calm and not easily influenced. 'Why should I change,' is how my thoughts respond to my impulses. Nothing is entering my mind.

Except now. I'm reminded of when Liz told me that it seemed like my head never stopped whirring. This may be the slowest it's moved in a long while and I really feel quite comfortable.

I'm picturing big fields and an orange butterfly; bright, spacious log-cabins; sunlight coming through the imaginary bedroom of my eventual home. I can't wait to make my own home. Finally, the means to doing this seem less important than just doing this. I need to call a place my home. It'll have heat, and clean sheets, and a basement and some windows so that my kids can take a peek outside without taking any risks. It is at these moments, looking out windows, whether sitting backwards on the couch on their knees, or from the rear passenger seat of a car, that they can dream up how they want to be and almost watch it all come true, in the trees speeding by, right before their eyes. Hours of their days will slip past them without their knowledge and they'll never think that that might have been a bad thing.

What do i do with this

i'd rather humiliate myself and not care than care and do a better job but fail.

ok, so your question would be 'what do you define failure as?' because doing better could be seen as a kind of success. so to clarify, i'd say that when i say to humiliate myself means to act unlike myself which means to have no confidence and to just try to get through things. to clarify even more, i don't mean by care and do a better job that i would do my best but it would not be good enough. that would be just fine with me.

ok, forget all of that. the problem i'm really talking about is what could be called stage fright. blah, no sense thinking about it.

how can i eliminate stage fright. by going on stage i guess. i'm reminded of watching pittsburgh sports tonight when callers are told to turn their tvs down by the hosts because of the confusion it causes when they try to talk and also listen to their own voice. if i end up being myself that's all i want no matter if it's silly or not. i just don't want to freeze. oh well; but it's good that i'm caring about something like this right now as compared to questioning the amount of space that exists inside my head. (is it infinate?)(what does it mean if it is or isn't)

funny thing though, life isn't hard unless you make it that way. many things i've done and considered a piece of cake afterwards are things that people say are hard or they fear to do. once you do things they never seem hard. steve's favorite time is the calm before the storm. mine's the cleanup. says a lot about people.

what do you do with failure. i deal well with failure when i'm certain i have all the time in the world to get it right. what i can't deal with well is pressure. and only some sorts of pressure. like the kind that people will feel bad for you if you fail. what's the big deal, is how i look at failure. you'll do better next time. or that's how i would feel, but so many other people treat it like you just blew your only chance. and it's their reactions and responses that i can't avoid, and they affect me even though the failure wasn't that big a deal to me. they've made it a big deal and i'll never try again. get out of my face i want to tell them.

but for some people, they only can do their best when there's pressure on them like that. life or death is the only way to get them to do their best. but, then again, maybe it's like that for me too. i just settle for the 'try it as many times as you like,' and i never push myself to really do my best. my answer to that is then give me a life or death situation. i know i'd do fine then. it's just pretending that giving a speech is life or death or parallel parking is life or death just doesn't cut it for me. (hope you like cliches)