and we'll tell our kids, 'when i was your age i had to click seven times just to get onto the internet'

so i'm waiting for my grandmother. i guess since they are only 30 minutes from altoona, i'm supposed to wait here so that i can take her home. basically an hour after i would have gone home myself. but i don't mind. well, i'm kind of upset i don't feel like writing anything, and i'm even more upset that none of you have writen anything lately. lately as in the last hour. i've been checking every three minutes. nathan and olivia have dropped the ball today, it seems. yes, that has been more than counteracted by shawn's posting. still, i'm bored. that weboggle game was fun for a few minutes. right now, i can either keep busy, or think about ghosts. i don't really want to think about ghosts or anything like that because my imagination takes it too far. i start thinking that i'm very sensitive to their essense.

this all reminds me. i think i've said this before, but when i was like thirteen or something i couldn't help but feel like maybe life was more of a game or a joke and the sooner i died the better i'd be. it felt like, and still does, if i just flip a switch my reality as i see it now will end. i feel like life is that sensitive. or more, that the wall i've built up to protect myself (psychologically) (obviously) is that fragile. like, i don't want to be without my wall but i really want to know what's on the other side. i'm on top of the wall with one leg thrown on either side of it and i'm tempted to just fall off and out into a new reality and my heart pounds and i almost do it, but then the excitement slows in my blood and i start thinking about how much i'd miss my wall and i climb back down onto the side with all of my muddy footprints and i consider the fact that i almost jumped quite a success, and i light up a cigarette and go get drunk. it makes me feel so childish. or better, like i'm standing around with a bunch of kids, but i have a long beard and i keep giving them advice on being a kid. it's not that they don't like me for any particular reason, it's just that it isn't natural, and they know it. so sometimes they call me by the nicknames they've made for me. and some of the kids, i can see it in their eyes, they'll jump off that wall the instant they get the chance, some of these kids are mean to me. it's all for the best i'd suppose, because maybe the other kids will see this and it will help motivate them to jump. but then maybe there's nothing better over that wall. i wonder what will happen if i just sit here and wait for eternity to show me her face. funny though, i have an inside feeling that i'll never jump, but i'm going to have to. one day it will become so bad for me on this side that i'm going to have to jump. i just hope i don't permanently injure my brain over here, waiting to jump.