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Saturday, February 23

One Year = New Lame Title

Wait. I'm going to go put a chew in first. I've noticed that tobacco can be as addicting as Deadwood. Yikes.

Oh. Blogger now saves my drafts automatically. ...

hmm, when did i start with the capitalizing. people will start thinking i make over 20k

so. how can i sum up the last year without - i don't feel like finishing this sentence

how bout this. any mental illness i used to mention is mostly submissed. i'm left with just a small case of claustrophobia that i can now handle. it still comes in movie theaters and church and cars i'm not driving and places where people give speeches.

i gave my brother's best man speech. i also now how my first nephew.

ok. so now, i feel like having fun.

i was watching the philosophical blockbuster, Stealth, last night, TNT presents, and they mentioned prime numbers and then the holy trinity. something neat clicked for a second. like, mathematics might not be inherently predictable, but that our inherent ability to predict things chose mathematics to be its cornerstone. it's a ridiculous idea. but it threw into question for me the beginnings of thought. the 'nature' of the things comes to mind.

if you look at the absurdity that life exists, would it be absurd to believe that life exists after life? i find myself often forgetting to focus on the miracle of existence. yet it's such a comfort. it's the be-all to faith in an afterlife. and whether or not it happens, it's something to believe in.

this is the kind of thinking a business owner needs to have possession of. you can't deal with people all day without faith. the energy of fitting in the moment without question. the past years of forcing alienation of myself and then back again let's me know that what i was before was at least as amazing as what i'd become, and more suited to myself, as that was what i learned to be at first. but i have no idea what thinking deeply will be now. i see it coming in a few aspects lately. it's building and i've seen it building and i pray it will be. i can envision myself progressing to a point where i can't imagine being specifically, but only ideally. i know it's ideal because it's what i used to envision. and i think that will finally be progress in the real. not that i didn't need these backup wonderings and quantifyings of the past years.

it's fun to rationalize. everything i ever do, i'll naturally decide got me to where i am. and though i can imagine that now it's just a different feeling talking about my life, i don't feel the need to question that. i'll just follow my own reasoning though it could be argued against. but i'll put my efforts into arguing for it.

well, so. i'm not happy with this post in any way for the public, but it's one of those mental meanderings that really just means to me. and when i point back to where it started, i'll start here. where others might point elsewhere, nominally, later on. i hope!

Monday, February 26

hmm4

Olivia got me thinking about my favorite childhood non-Major League movie, Hot Shots. and i wanted to write about something for a while because i just watched two movies and played wepes7 while i was off all day and my back hurts too much to continue to sit in my recliner. nothing i've tried to write lately has interested me past two minutes but i think writing about something funny has a good chance. i know what the goal is here. it's to make myself laugh by remembering it.

so the old guy in the white hair who isn't leslie nielson has taken bullets to the head in past wars and isn't terribly competent though he's the commander. he's in his office talking to his guy beneath him about how things have changed and may be going downhill. he stands up during this monologue and walks over to a framed picture of an over-head view of men and planes on a ship like the one they're currently on. he motions with his pointer, 'look at them. there's hardly a man moving down there. ...Baker. Baker!' he shouts at the picture but gets no response. he looks back at the officer who had been addressing him and says, disappointedly, about the man in the picture, 'I went to academy with that man.'

this is a lot harder than i expected

this one should be easier.

as he walks out onto the deck he approaches some stairs and proceeds to tumble down them. he jumps to attention at the end of his fall and demands, 'who put those crabs there?'

'what crabs sir?'

'on the stairs. i saw them. two of them. they work in pairs.'

and so on

Sunday, February 18

work unfriendly post

so my brother's a thief. maybe it's because of the friends he hangs out with, but i always thought they were thieves because of him. a 'he started it' deal.

so, some people have porn. i don't know.

but it's funny when a conversation gets started over at my brother's house between his friends about where's their porno and who took it last. oh the names of these dvds that the boys banter about.

tall guy: hey chad's brother, where the hell is my dark haired, dirty divas dvd. no, you had it last.

bro: no i didn't. maybe adolescent mustache stole it.

a.m.: yeah, and where's my 16 year old devil girls?

other guy as he's leaving: you just better have my up the butt one next time i come over here.

bro: you took that one last time. it was in the cd case with a meeting in the ladies room.

fuck you

* no fictional dvd names were used in this post

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Saturday, February 17

3 Revelations I had tonight

This generation is the beginning of the downfall of the United States. That isn't good, that isn't bad.

Smart people are just dumb.

Give your child the choice to believe different from what you believe to be true and they probably will.

Thursday, January 25

yet another, SAVED!....AS!.....DRAFT!

*note: i broke those sunglasses over there in my profile...shit!...but never fear, i got a three dollar pair of women's frames that look almost identical...eh

a lady was in the store yesterday and wanted to know how much an item, that was not yet tagged, cost. lisa, the owner here, had not yet seen the item, so i had no help there. but i felt obliged to get a price for the lady, if possible, because a frequent customer had called the lady from the store phone telling her to come see it. it was in my mind to tell the customer to tell the lady that we didn't have a price yet, but since i heard that she was just leaving a message, i figured we might have it priced by then. this frequent customer fashions custom blinds and such at a very high cost and usually only works for those that have a lot of money, so, when the lady did make it in, i, then, felt like i should do what i could to give her a price. it's especially good to get those with a lot of spending money on your good side. and, generally, at least around here, the richer the person, the more valuable they think their time is, and the more priveledged they want to be treated. i'm good at this. but don't get the wrong idea about this lady. she's quite nice and understanding as i found out when we hit some hard times (or maybe it's just because i'm that good =P. for real, i just spent 20 minutes pointing out how she's right, but also once i'd back her off with that tactic, i'd get her verbal approval of my points against her.)

so, to make this short story longer, i decided to call the consignor of the night stand in question. a frequent consignor, this lady usually balks at pricing her own items. she buys things at auctions and so cares more than the casual consignor about the profit she makes. some feel otherwise, but this lady has found that lisa, the owner, prices items higher than she, the consignor, would. i remembered this too late however. and when i called to see if she wanted to price the night stand that the lady was interested in, she did so with some, but not much, reluctance.

she asked me if i thought $65 was good and i said it sounded fine. i told her that we'd go ahead and sell it to this lady at $65 if she wanted it, and if not, we'd let lisa agree or adjust that price when she got back.

i've done this many times. it usually works out fine. but i made a big mistake this time. i told the lady $65, and i could tell she was interested in the night stand at that price. but i neglected to mention the very very important things like, 'we'll sell it at $65 right now, but when the owner (lisa) gets back, if she wants to change the price, she can.' i make sure to say those kinds of things generally. i make it a point to let people understand that almost everything is not definite. i say 'the movers generally charge $40 for the first item and $5 for each additional (even though they do 99.9% of the time in a ten mile radius of altoona), but it's their business and so i can't guaruntee it.' other workers here bother me with their constant assurances to customers. the one lady in particular, all day, can be overheard saying rediculous things are definite, in a hugely loud and overly appeasing voice, with crazy random inflections like, 'oh lisa would take that. oh yes. yes (nodding her head vehemously). yes. oh yeees. she takes those. yes.' when i've learned years ago, you never talk in definites, especially about lisa.

digressing being the main point of this article, i'll get back to the story. we left off with me failing to tell the lady that there were questions in the air about the price of the item if she didn't buy it now. i was sidetracked though. we discovered that the night stand had the wrong handle on it. i tried to do something about this via screws and things, but eventually we realized that it couldn't be helped. well, this was why the lady probably didn't get the night stand then and there.

ok. no problem. she leaves.

later in the day, the frequent customer that does blinds and had called the customer, came back in. i told her what we eventually priced the item at and she was amazed to find that the lady didn't buy it at $65 even with the handle problem. she eventually left. and called the lady and told her something like that most likely.

then, later, as i was coming back from lunch, the consignor of the item and lisa were bothin the store, hunched in thought above the stand. lisa felt that $65 was not expensive enough and told the consignor so, and the price became, officially, $85.

that's right.

here then, is the surprise climax of the story. this morning, one day later, that very same lady came back into the store! my first thought was of the thought i had yesterday once lisa put $85 on the item. the thought was, 'hmm, i wonder what should be done if that lady that was told $65 comes back in tomorrow?'

so i broke the bad news to the lady, and i really could have just left it there. but i felt guilty, and plus, there's little else to do at work than talk to people. so i dove in. i decided to call lisa to see what she'd say. predictably (if i call her on the phone about things, she demands that i do what she wishes she would do if she was dealing with a problem like this in person. but often, she generally gives in to appease a customer when she's face to face with them) i'm told to stay firm on the price. if she wanted to buy it at $65 she should have bought it yesterday.

the lady voiced appreciation that i called, but i wasn't done yet. i went into her points and how she felt and even pointed out things that supported her case that she may not have thought of, and sometimes, though, i'd switch it back around on her. i said things like, 'it's a common feeling, i'd think, now, with chain stores and places like mcdonald's that if they make a mistake, they'll generally just give you the item at the price. and so you expect a store to be like that. but when you deal with stores with a private owner and how we're selling items that aren't even owned by us, if we make a mistake by mislabling an item on the internet or in the store, we're personally affected and don't have the ability to just take the loss.' and i told her that i realized it was unfair to her to make a trip out here and have the price changed. but i explained to her what happened.

edit: how did this story end? as i recall, pretty badly, actually. but anyway, it's been saved as draft for, wellhellhell, quite some time. so here it is in all its unfinished glory.

Saturday, December 30

i found this in my gmail as a draft

i think i can listen to and deal with women more than any man. it's my job. and generally it's fine. but then, certain customers....

so many older women are soooooooo boring. i'll listen to what young jimmy wanted for breakfast this morning as part of how you're explaining what kind of sofa you have if you at least act like you're borrowing someone's time. try to entertain me. try to make me care. don't just drone on.

the reason i get so mad is that i know they're thinking 'oh he just doesn't care' or that i'm rude. but it's your fault. you're boring. i'm more than kind and even interested in 95% of the women that come in and tell me the same kinds of stories about home and the boys in college. but you i hate. you, i've grown to being immediately rude to. you i won't take. it's your fault. you talk slowly and quietly and peacefully as if no one in the world has anything to do. i hate you old woman. you make me sick as much as a gross perverted 30 year old man with ricked up teeth would

she just came up here again. i know she thinks i'm into typing on the computer and i'm ignoring her and she's the kind that would tell on me to my aunt - but in a nice way. she loves me to a degree. which is why she's so sickening - but the funny thing is my aunt would come to me and i'd vent to her immediately and she'd widen her eyes and laugh and know exactly what i'm talking about and already knows what i'm talking about and also vents about how annoying she is and how hard she is to get away from.

but she came up with this teddy bear again, massaging it over and over every which way in such a sickening way saying her hands are getting blacker and blacker from it. i look away from her without speaking. she says it would need cleaned. i try to avoid her gaze. she proffers it to me to rub it's head and look at how my hands get dirty too. i won't. she laughs, and slightly wins some points. she's used to how her grandkids act and so she's laughing at how i think she's weird

'i'm trying to figure out what this plays'

my cue to indulge her

she's dying for me to say things, it'll lead to her saying more

Thursday, November 30

the end of any current addiction to alcohol

some hiking days have gone by. i think i won't update about that anymore....it was quite a ride.

there have been enough non-drinking weeks gone by that there is now no concern. on the other hand, i find it impossible to write anything. my mind has emptied of internal strife - and that was all i had to go on. i look at the same place i used to find words to write and i keep blanking. it's a wild change. it's so much for the better, but i somewhat miss writing.

maybe i can find a new, better place to look in to find words, but this idea kind of ruins my ideal ideas about writing. i always hoped i'd find a new style but i hoped to be able to intermix it with my previous one at will. instead there's nothing. blah. by the way, i'm the devil

Wednesday, November 15

hiking day

Hiking Day.

note: I will start labelling days 'hiking days'. this will probably become the only use for this blog (prevented i don't start giving chapter by chapter summaries of star trek books - which sounds quite fun now that i think about it)

hiking days are the equivalent of me saying 'wow, today is a perfect day.' so far this year, there have been perhaps 5 days that i made a mental note of how great they were - so there might not be that many updates to come. i think it would be fun after a year of noting these days, to be able to look back and see what days over the last year were days that struck me weather wise. this is starting to sound pretty lame, but anyway.

more notes: hiking day is synonomous to the kind of day where listening to the radio in the car seems just as enjoyable as listening to a cd. these are also the kinds of days that are good for pavement.

note: these days don't have to be good all day. don't come to me saying but chad, it rained this afternoon - as it's doing today. i'd say, well the first hiking day it rained - but that didn't stop me from sticking to it! - although it might have had i not just figured that if i didn't make today a hiking day, then i'd never think of it again. there.

if you're just joining us, i have taken the liberty of naming today a hiking day of the year. i'm thinking i'll try to get in at least one day a month (which, yes, may lead to some questionable days earlier in the month getting in)

as a reader, you should think of hiking days posts as things that matter to me and do not concern you whatsoever. unintentionally, i understand, you will be subjected to them however. maybe i'll throw in a line or two for your entertainment.

Wednesday, November 1

A Call To Darkness

i figured i owed it to some to give a little more info about that book. yes, it was hard to choose. at first, the first one looked best. then, another one looked better. i couldn't decide, and, although i wanted to, i couldn't buy them all. so, i chose the second one i looked at, A Call to Darkness.

Worf is dead center on the front, all wild-eyed, with geordi flanking him on the left, and disappointingly, dr. pulaski on his right.

here's the book's tagline:

Captain Picard is trapped on a brutal worlf - where war is the only entertainment.

it's always safe to go with a picard centered storyline, especially when he's separated from riker and so riker gets to be in command.

will Will figure out how to find the captain? hopefully, i'll let you know

first attempt at boring entry

well, i saw this comic book store a few weeks ago, and i thought, hmm, sometimes i'm bored, maybe i should try to get into comic books/magic again and the likes. it was always too expensive, but when i was young, there wasn't much i would have wanted more than to be able to read marvel comics week by week. so i'm thinking i might get into this new civil war thing. i bought a comic book today that is supposed to get me down with who's on whose sides and etc. i don't plan on buying the comics though because it's crazy how they tell the story through maybe ten different series. so i'll just buy the paper-page book that will encapsulate it all at the end of the year.

secondly bought was a ST TNG book. i think i read one before. i think i'll like to read these. and unlike reading jurassic park and seeing jeff goldblum in my mind, i'll be correct to see gates mcfadden. well, actually not, but whatever.

so, tonight i cancelled with my sister and brother in law the viewing of Lost and catching up on all the arrested development dvds they have and i'll go see steve who has a break from football practices finally and won't start wrestling for a week or so. he's already bought six guiness and a ps2 and ff12 for the evening. hah! oh, and he got hooked up by one of my brother's friends too (read: you know what i mean?)

but i'm not really that anymore.

the ps2 was bought mostly for the upcoming, highly anticipated (use your coolest voice in your head to say:) guitar hero II. so, steve and i are finally starting that band we've always dreamed of.

and lou's coming in the 11th. and j newsome's trying to rain on my parade, but as long as it doesn't rain it should be ok.

and the new lady i work with at work is super-christian and in her teens was super drug addict and when asked, she'll respond with brightened eyes, 'Yea! I know the Mad Katz'

boo ya

(all things said were true)

Friday, October 27

"look at me! dr. zoidberg, home-owner!"

man, i had this neat nightmare the other night. i used to think i should try and be a man if i wake up from a nightmare and find it, um, unnerving to try and fall back asleep and so i used to refrain from turning on the tv or light etc. but it's just not worth it. it's not that i'm afraid after i wake up. it's that as soon as my mind drifts out of my control, the fear from the nightmare comes back.

so what happened was that i woke up every 40 minutes or so for the next 5 hours before i had to get up. i could keep falling asleep but i couldn't let myself totally relax.

it was weird too. the dream. it wasn't even a nightmare at first. just an incredibly gory action film. i still have perfect images of the last few scenes burned in my mind. lots of people outside getting their necks sliced through by spinning blades. and this gore wasn't so bad. it just set the tone.

as i was waking from it, in between actually sleeping and kind of waking, one of the guys that died, presumably, started talking to my consciousness. there was no longer any scenes, just the darkness of my eyelids. this was when it turned into a nightmare. he told me weird feelings about what it was like to really live in pain and torture and to have witnessed things like that and how noone could understand if they hadn't experienced it. and to me, i was now someone in between not ever having experienced it and having experienced it. it was like i had done a dianna troi/mindmeld thing, or like rogue did to wolverine when she touched him in the movie.

when i had time the next morning to think about it, the instinctive way of describing what i dreamt about was to say that i had a dream about hell. that was the feel i couldn't escape all night. it wasn't the images or what the guy told me, it was the feeling that i slightly better understood what hell would be like. that sucks.

but i pretty much forget now. i slept almost fine last night. should be about the same tonight. and it's not like the devil vistited me or anything - you know who you are.

but, futurama's starting.
 
NOTE: z
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