If all else fails i'll follow my dreams

One Year = New Lame Title

Wait. I'm going to go put a chew in first. I've noticed that tobacco can be as addicting as Deadwood. Yikes.

Oh. Blogger now saves my drafts automatically. ...

hmm, when did i start with the capitalizing. people will start thinking i make over 20k

so. how can i sum up the last year without - i don't feel like finishing this sentence

how bout this. any mental illness i used to mention is mostly submissed. i'm left with just a small case of claustrophobia that i can now handle. it still comes in movie theaters and church and cars i'm not driving and places where people give speeches.

i gave my brother's best man speech. i also now how my first nephew.

ok. so now, i feel like having fun.

i was watching the philosophical blockbuster, Stealth, last night, TNT presents, and they mentioned prime numbers and then the holy trinity. something neat clicked for a second. like, mathematics might not be inherently predictable, but that our inherent ability to predict things chose mathematics to be its cornerstone. it's a ridiculous idea. but it threw into question for me the beginnings of thought. the 'nature' of the things comes to mind.

if you look at the absurdity that life exists, would it be absurd to believe that life exists after life? i find myself often forgetting to focus on the miracle of existence. yet it's such a comfort. it's the be-all to faith in an afterlife. and whether or not it happens, it's something to believe in.

this is the kind of thinking a business owner needs to have possession of. you can't deal with people all day without faith. the energy of fitting in the moment without question. the past years of forcing alienation of myself and then back again let's me know that what i was before was at least as amazing as what i'd become, and more suited to myself, as that was what i learned to be at first. but i have no idea what thinking deeply will be now. i see it coming in a few aspects lately. it's building and i've seen it building and i pray it will be. i can envision myself progressing to a point where i can't imagine being specifically, but only ideally. i know it's ideal because it's what i used to envision. and i think that will finally be progress in the real. not that i didn't need these backup wonderings and quantifyings of the past years.

it's fun to rationalize. everything i ever do, i'll naturally decide got me to where i am. and though i can imagine that now it's just a different feeling talking about my life, i don't feel the need to question that. i'll just follow my own reasoning though it could be argued against. but i'll put my efforts into arguing for it.

well, so. i'm not happy with this post in any way for the public, but it's one of those mental meanderings that really just means to me. and when i point back to where it started, i'll start here. where others might point elsewhere, nominally, later on. i hope!

i had mentioned about the star trek book

well. interesting. i'm finally finding myself able to read a fiction book again. it's a little like cheating, but i still get the feeling i hadn't been able to find

hmm4

Olivia got me thinking about my favorite childhood non-Major League movie, Hot Shots. and i wanted to write about something for a while because i just watched two movies and played wepes7 while i was off all day and my back hurts too much to continue to sit in my recliner. nothing i've tried to write lately has interested me past two minutes but i think writing about something funny has a good chance. i know what the goal is here. it's to make myself laugh by remembering it.

so the old guy in the white hair who isn't leslie nielson has taken bullets to the head in past wars and isn't terribly competent though he's the commander. he's in his office talking to his guy beneath him about how things have changed and may be going downhill. he stands up during this monologue and walks over to a framed picture of an over-head view of men and planes on a ship like the one they're currently on. he motions with his pointer, 'look at them. there's hardly a man moving down there. ...Baker. Baker!' he shouts at the picture but gets no response. he looks back at the officer who had been addressing him and says, disappointedly, about the man in the picture, 'I went to academy with that man.'

this is a lot harder than i expected

this one should be easier.

as he walks out onto the deck he approaches some stairs and proceeds to tumble down them. he jumps to attention at the end of his fall and demands, 'who put those crabs there?'

'what crabs sir?'

'on the stairs. i saw them. two of them. they work in pairs.'

and so on

work unfriendly post

so my brother's a thief. maybe it's because of the friends he hangs out with, but i always thought they were thieves because of him. a 'he started it' deal.

so, some people have porn. i don't know.

but it's funny when a conversation gets started over at my brother's house between his friends about where's their porno and who took it last. oh the names of these dvds that the boys banter about.

tall guy: hey chad's brother, where the hell is my dark haired, dirty divas dvd. no, you had it last.

bro: no i didn't. maybe adolescent mustache stole it.

a.m.: yeah, and where's my 16 year old devil girls?

other guy as he's leaving: you just better have my up the butt one next time i come over here.

bro: you took that one last time. it was in the cd case with a meeting in the ladies room.

fuck you

* no fictional dvd names were used in this post

3 Revelations I had tonight

This generation is the beginning of the downfall of the United States. That isn't good, that isn't bad.

Smart people are just dumb.

Give your child the choice to believe different from what you believe to be true and they probably will.

the store

it's so funny the real, palpable hate i place on people that mill around the store when i want to completely ignore that i have a job to do. the oddest part is that i'm completely convinced that they're people i dislike. just the way she walks sickens me. her legs moving so slow and with such greedy ease independent of her torso, like a lounging roman's arm picking the ripest grape.

men are quite different generally. in a weird way they'll respect my space making sure not to draw my attention with any lingering proximity. even if they're just here to browse - so therefore unlike a typical man - i don't fear them because men don't take much offense if you don't talk to them. and if you do talk to them, unless you both immediately converge on a subject you're both obviously interested in, the conversation will end abruptly and cordially with both parties coming away feeling good about the quick exchange of pleasantries.

but real fear is a lingering woman. some women don't realize maybe how easily they get off when they're young and pretty. they must think i'm their therapist for that is the only other circumstance i can imagine such one-way communication.

so i'm feeling a little guilty with my head down

even in just asking for a measuring tape. she wants me to see what she's doing.

yet another, SAVED!....AS!.....DRAFT!

*note: i broke those sunglasses over there in my profile...shit!...but never fear, i got a three dollar pair of women's frames that look almost identical...eh

a lady was in the store yesterday and wanted to know how much an item, that was not yet tagged, cost. lisa, the owner here, had not yet seen the item, so i had no help there. but i felt obliged to get a price for the lady, if possible, because a frequent customer had called the lady from the store phone telling her to come see it. it was in my mind to tell the customer to tell the lady that we didn't have a price yet, but since i heard that she was just leaving a message, i figured we might have it priced by then. this frequent customer fashions custom blinds and such at a very high cost and usually only works for those that have a lot of money, so, when the lady did make it in, i, then, felt like i should do what i could to give her a price. it's especially good to get those with a lot of spending money on your good side. and, generally, at least around here, the richer the person, the more valuable they think their time is, and the more priveledged they want to be treated. i'm good at this. but don't get the wrong idea about this lady. she's quite nice and understanding as i found out when we hit some hard times (or maybe it's just because i'm that good =P. for real, i just spent 20 minutes pointing out how she's right, but also once i'd back her off with that tactic, i'd get her verbal approval of my points against her.)

so, to make this short story longer, i decided to call the consignor of the night stand in question. a frequent consignor, this lady usually balks at pricing her own items. she buys things at auctions and so cares more than the casual consignor about the profit she makes. some feel otherwise, but this lady has found that lisa, the owner, prices items higher than she, the consignor, would. i remembered this too late however. and when i called to see if she wanted to price the night stand that the lady was interested in, she did so with some, but not much, reluctance.

she asked me if i thought $65 was good and i said it sounded fine. i told her that we'd go ahead and sell it to this lady at $65 if she wanted it, and if not, we'd let lisa agree or adjust that price when she got back.

i've done this many times. it usually works out fine. but i made a big mistake this time. i told the lady $65, and i could tell she was interested in the night stand at that price. but i neglected to mention the very very important things like, 'we'll sell it at $65 right now, but when the owner (lisa) gets back, if she wants to change the price, she can.' i make sure to say those kinds of things generally. i make it a point to let people understand that almost everything is not definite. i say 'the movers generally charge $40 for the first item and $5 for each additional (even though they do 99.9% of the time in a ten mile radius of altoona), but it's their business and so i can't guaruntee it.' other workers here bother me with their constant assurances to customers. the one lady in particular, all day, can be overheard saying rediculous things are definite, in a hugely loud and overly appeasing voice, with crazy random inflections like, 'oh lisa would take that. oh yes. yes (nodding her head vehemously). yes. oh yeees. she takes those. yes.' when i've learned years ago, you never talk in definites, especially about lisa.

digressing being the main point of this article, i'll get back to the story. we left off with me failing to tell the lady that there were questions in the air about the price of the item if she didn't buy it now. i was sidetracked though. we discovered that the night stand had the wrong handle on it. i tried to do something about this via screws and things, but eventually we realized that it couldn't be helped. well, this was why the lady probably didn't get the night stand then and there.

ok. no problem. she leaves.

later in the day, the frequent customer that does blinds and had called the customer, came back in. i told her what we eventually priced the item at and she was amazed to find that the lady didn't buy it at $65 even with the handle problem. she eventually left. and called the lady and told her something like that most likely.

then, later, as i was coming back from lunch, the consignor of the item and lisa were bothin the store, hunched in thought above the stand. lisa felt that $65 was not expensive enough and told the consignor so, and the price became, officially, $85.

that's right.

here then, is the surprise climax of the story. this morning, one day later, that very same lady came back into the store! my first thought was of the thought i had yesterday once lisa put $85 on the item. the thought was, 'hmm, i wonder what should be done if that lady that was told $65 comes back in tomorrow?'

so i broke the bad news to the lady, and i really could have just left it there. but i felt guilty, and plus, there's little else to do at work than talk to people. so i dove in. i decided to call lisa to see what she'd say. predictably (if i call her on the phone about things, she demands that i do what she wishes she would do if she was dealing with a problem like this in person. but often, she generally gives in to appease a customer when she's face to face with them) i'm told to stay firm on the price. if she wanted to buy it at $65 she should have bought it yesterday.

the lady voiced appreciation that i called, but i wasn't done yet. i went into her points and how she felt and even pointed out things that supported her case that she may not have thought of, and sometimes, though, i'd switch it back around on her. i said things like, 'it's a common feeling, i'd think, now, with chain stores and places like mcdonald's that if they make a mistake, they'll generally just give you the item at the price. and so you expect a store to be like that. but when you deal with stores with a private owner and how we're selling items that aren't even owned by us, if we make a mistake by mislabling an item on the internet or in the store, we're personally affected and don't have the ability to just take the loss.' and i told her that i realized it was unfair to her to make a trip out here and have the price changed. but i explained to her what happened.

edit: how did this story end? as i recall, pretty badly, actually. but anyway, it's been saved as draft for, wellhellhell, quite some time. so here it is in all its unfinished glory.

i hear a lot about people wondering about what the meaning of life is. well, not a lot about it, but as we all know, there's talk about it. it occured to me last night that i've never actually wondered the question and only have tilted my mind towards it once it was brought up externally. it just doesn't seem relevant. i think the only reason i'd ever have to wonder the question was if i lost all feelings. bad feelings make you desire them to be gone. good feelings make you desire to keep getting them.

thanks to nathan's persistence, and, the facts, i now worry about global warming.

don't give me any thoughts about forgetting my feelings and worrying about others. i've never felt better when i've practiced that idea. the facts are in the feelings.

so the meaning of life doesn't matter because feelings are more important than that question, thus being a round-a-bout way of saying that feelings are the meaning of life.

but what about exisitence. if the human race is destroyed in 50 years, how narrow-minded that idea would be. or not? i'd die with everyone else, and i'd die thinking 'well, that wasn't too bad. in fact, quite enjoyable.'

a good life.

unless of course there's a tangeable afterlife where sir god would be angry at me for not standing up for mother earth.

hmm, maybe i'm starting to wonder whether or not i hope there really is an afterlife.

anyway, there is a battle going on. it's between good and evil, and in this war, the two sides are quite distinguishable.

i found this in my gmail as a draft

i think i can listen to and deal with women more than any man. it's my job. and generally it's fine. but then, certain customers....

so many older women are soooooooo boring. i'll listen to what young jimmy wanted for breakfast this morning as part of how you're explaining what kind of sofa you have if you at least act like you're borrowing someone's time. try to entertain me. try to make me care. don't just drone on.

the reason i get so mad is that i know they're thinking 'oh he just doesn't care' or that i'm rude. but it's your fault. you're boring. i'm more than kind and even interested in 95% of the women that come in and tell me the same kinds of stories about home and the boys in college. but you i hate. you, i've grown to being immediately rude to. you i won't take. it's your fault. you talk slowly and quietly and peacefully as if no one in the world has anything to do. i hate you old woman. you make me sick as much as a gross perverted 30 year old man with ricked up teeth would

she just came up here again. i know she thinks i'm into typing on the computer and i'm ignoring her and she's the kind that would tell on me to my aunt - but in a nice way. she loves me to a degree. which is why she's so sickening - but the funny thing is my aunt would come to me and i'd vent to her immediately and she'd widen her eyes and laugh and know exactly what i'm talking about and already knows what i'm talking about and also vents about how annoying she is and how hard she is to get away from.

but she came up with this teddy bear again, massaging it over and over every which way in such a sickening way saying her hands are getting blacker and blacker from it. i look away from her without speaking. she says it would need cleaned. i try to avoid her gaze. she proffers it to me to rub it's head and look at how my hands get dirty too. i won't. she laughs, and slightly wins some points. she's used to how her grandkids act and so she's laughing at how i think she's weird

'i'm trying to figure out what this plays'

my cue to indulge her

she's dying for me to say things, it'll lead to her saying more

the end of any current addiction to alcohol

some hiking days have gone by. i think i won't update about that anymore....it was quite a ride.

there have been enough non-drinking weeks gone by that there is now no concern. on the other hand, i find it impossible to write anything. my mind has emptied of internal strife - and that was all i had to go on. i look at the same place i used to find words to write and i keep blanking. it's a wild change. it's so much for the better, but i somewhat miss writing.

maybe i can find a new, better place to look in to find words, but this idea kind of ruins my ideal ideas about writing. i always hoped i'd find a new style but i hoped to be able to intermix it with my previous one at will. instead there's nothing. blah. by the way, i'm the devil