"look at me! dr. zoidberg, home-owner!"

man, i had this neat nightmare the other night. i used to think i should try and be a man if i wake up from a nightmare and find it, um, unnerving to try and fall back asleep and so i used to refrain from turning on the tv or light etc. but it's just not worth it. it's not that i'm afraid after i wake up. it's that as soon as my mind drifts out of my control, the fear from the nightmare comes back.

so what happened was that i woke up every 40 minutes or so for the next 5 hours before i had to get up. i could keep falling asleep but i couldn't let myself totally relax.

it was weird too. the dream. it wasn't even a nightmare at first. just an incredibly gory action film. i still have perfect images of the last few scenes burned in my mind. lots of people outside getting their necks sliced through by spinning blades. and this gore wasn't so bad. it just set the tone.

as i was waking from it, in between actually sleeping and kind of waking, one of the guys that died, presumably, started talking to my consciousness. there was no longer any scenes, just the darkness of my eyelids. this was when it turned into a nightmare. he told me weird feelings about what it was like to really live in pain and torture and to have witnessed things like that and how noone could understand if they hadn't experienced it. and to me, i was now someone in between not ever having experienced it and having experienced it. it was like i had done a dianna troi/mindmeld thing, or like rogue did to wolverine when she touched him in the movie.

when i had time the next morning to think about it, the instinctive way of describing what i dreamt about was to say that i had a dream about hell. that was the feel i couldn't escape all night. it wasn't the images or what the guy told me, it was the feeling that i slightly better understood what hell would be like. that sucks.

but i pretty much forget now. i slept almost fine last night. should be about the same tonight. and it's not like the devil vistited me or anything - you know who you are.

but, futurama's starting.

ah, my head's totally broken

without pain or frustration, i really have nothing to say. but today i have one of my first ever headaches not alcohol or nicotine induced. all i can think is that i should cleanse this problem with some southern comfort. but eh, i'd rather be bored than in pain

oh well.

i used to feel christmas if you know what i mean. i kind of felt it last night watching a christmas futurama as i fell asleep. it wasn't very strong but it was an old feeling. i'm getting a lot of old feelings lately that i almost forgot had gone but when i think about it, have been gone a long time. i'm talking both feelings that you get from a familiar smell, and also real physical feeling like what it's like to sit on my knees for a prolonged period of time and what it feels like to be almost too uncomfortable but then to stretch them in a certain way and being able to sit on them for longer.

i'm anticipating christmas this year earlier than almost ever. the problem was absolutely alcohol and unproductiveness. last night i saw myself sitting in a sun-lit room watching a black and white christmas movie i'd never seen. or sitting at a computer doing something like playing snood while listening to christmas music. or driving to work waiting for my freezing car to warm up.

but now i have to go home to october. the last warm day probably and i think it's going to pour and so i won't get this last fire in at all it's appearing. and so i'll just pore over some stats, watch the report, and wake up with enough initiative to do some dishes i guess. it sucks but it's pretty fucking nice too.

on On Point (PRI i think)

food and choice

the selling atmosphere was so manipulative that any contract i signed while there is null and void

baking an apple pie and having that aroma present will help you sell your house for more

so where is free will the ones aggravated by this say

i, i suppose, never agreed with what they think free will is, or never believed in it in the first place

free will, therefore, may actually really be disappearing

to the point that i don't even wish or long to have it, or fear it leaving

i think that as they had mentioned, if given too many choices, people freeze

so you can be a person that either spends months researching how one house would be your best fit over another (as houses sell and pass you by all the while) and look at school systems and septic systems and new roofing and neighborhood crime proofing. and you can do this if you want to spend the time and the trouble. but is that the only way to find free will within yourself?

perhaps it isn't worth the trouble and so you decide that you'll decide on a house because of fate, a hunch, a feeling...

and thus, the apple pie helps sell a house to you.

and this is what those people are worried about. that marketing is way too advanced and we're eating in olive gardens and burger kings not because we like their food but because we're suckered by their marketing and restaurant design and feeling of familiarity.

and this doesn't seem bad to most people. but it is bad for those people that stand up and research and try to spend hours and years finding what they really truly like, but since most people are too lazy or just don't have the time, places like olive garden are taking over much much much to the chagrin to those who long ago formed their own very complex choices for what they liked.

they say therefore that quality is disappearing. but if most people don't care, then most people don't care. what's so good about quality. maybe most people don't have time to concern themselves with it anymore. just let them order a number 3 or a number 6. quality can be their favorite meal compared to the other nine that our country may soon serve. the only people affected would be those who spent trouble over the years finding their favorite 10 meals amongst 200,000.

but again, what's so great about quality. you'll forget why it mattered once it's gone. perhaps we'll start eating just for nourishment if the food gets bad enough and if the choices get so few.

but it's not about losing your free will. mcdonald's isn't tricking you into thinking you have free will when you really don't. when you get to pick from one of nine. when it's the only place to go, you go. or make your own. and if the general public gets bothered enough by it, they can go to an olive garden. and if a food aficianado doesn't like any of it, sorry. it's a free country but majority rules. and the market has convinced people that they don't care about quality. and once they're convinced, oh well. but did they lose their free will? the market catered to what they wanted. they want the feel of the restaurant and the familiarity of the taste more than the good quality. and so i'm wrong to say they're convinced they don't care about quality. rather, they really cared less about quality than other things, it turns out. (though somehow i feel like i'm missing the point and that i'll never understand.)

but it won't go as far as the critics worry. they always think that they should say that down the line if the current trend continues. current trends don't continue. not if they're going to end up at that horrible, unspeakable checkmate that you say we're headed for. you, critic, should just have a little less self-importance, realize that you see ahead of the curve, but trust that, as usual (i'm guessing), these kinds of things work out acceptably. (this paragraph was basically talking to just the one guest; i didn't like his personality, and so he gets an argument against his points, heh)

but, anyway, i still don't know what people think free will is. i agree we can be persuaded to do things we wouldn't normally do if in the wrong (or right) environment. approached by the wrong kinds of salespersons. charmed by the 'class' of a car dealership. but it's just our own faults it seems like.

or so far perhaps. maybe they see for real that soon we won't have the time or resources to try to make a decision with as little artificial influence as possible. but that's what i needed them to talk about. the whole time i was just angry because they'd point out information that is obvious (like a buying environment) but then not really get into the real dangers, if there are any. dangers for me at least. and i certainly don't think i'm above the average listener to this kind of station.

i guess the danger is that soon we won't be able to get the kinds of foods we want because everyone has been manipulated to think that burger king is good enough. and so burger king is all that's left. though that will never happen completely, i wouldn't think, but they did mention that in the south, grocery stores are all going out of business. and you have to go to a deli, and i don't know where they could get fresh produce. but i'd imagine there are certainly enough people that want to eat healthier and with somewhat more choice and so there will be that market for some people, and businesses will find a niche there. and so i really can't be worried. maybe the price will be too high to get fresh food, though. i guess i'll just take vitamins? plant a garden? eh. i'll let the gov't worry about it.