hmm4

Olivia got me thinking about my favorite childhood non-Major League movie, Hot Shots. and i wanted to write about something for a while because i just watched two movies and played wepes7 while i was off all day and my back hurts too much to continue to sit in my recliner. nothing i've tried to write lately has interested me past two minutes but i think writing about something funny has a good chance. i know what the goal is here. it's to make myself laugh by remembering it.

so the old guy in the white hair who isn't leslie nielson has taken bullets to the head in past wars and isn't terribly competent though he's the commander. he's in his office talking to his guy beneath him about how things have changed and may be going downhill. he stands up during this monologue and walks over to a framed picture of an over-head view of men and planes on a ship like the one they're currently on. he motions with his pointer, 'look at them. there's hardly a man moving down there. ...Baker. Baker!' he shouts at the picture but gets no response. he looks back at the officer who had been addressing him and says, disappointedly, about the man in the picture, 'I went to academy with that man.'

this is a lot harder than i expected

this one should be easier.

as he walks out onto the deck he approaches some stairs and proceeds to tumble down them. he jumps to attention at the end of his fall and demands, 'who put those crabs there?'

'what crabs sir?'

'on the stairs. i saw them. two of them. they work in pairs.'

and so on

work unfriendly post

so my brother's a thief. maybe it's because of the friends he hangs out with, but i always thought they were thieves because of him. a 'he started it' deal.

so, some people have porn. i don't know.

but it's funny when a conversation gets started over at my brother's house between his friends about where's their porno and who took it last. oh the names of these dvds that the boys banter about.

tall guy: hey chad's brother, where the hell is my dark haired, dirty divas dvd. no, you had it last.

bro: no i didn't. maybe adolescent mustache stole it.

a.m.: yeah, and where's my 16 year old devil girls?

other guy as he's leaving: you just better have my up the butt one next time i come over here.

bro: you took that one last time. it was in the cd case with a meeting in the ladies room.

fuck you

* no fictional dvd names were used in this post

3 Revelations I had tonight

This generation is the beginning of the downfall of the United States. That isn't good, that isn't bad.

Smart people are just dumb.

Give your child the choice to believe different from what you believe to be true and they probably will.

the store

it's so funny the real, palpable hate i place on people that mill around the store when i want to completely ignore that i have a job to do. the oddest part is that i'm completely convinced that they're people i dislike. just the way she walks sickens me. her legs moving so slow and with such greedy ease independent of her torso, like a lounging roman's arm picking the ripest grape.

men are quite different generally. in a weird way they'll respect my space making sure not to draw my attention with any lingering proximity. even if they're just here to browse - so therefore unlike a typical man - i don't fear them because men don't take much offense if you don't talk to them. and if you do talk to them, unless you both immediately converge on a subject you're both obviously interested in, the conversation will end abruptly and cordially with both parties coming away feeling good about the quick exchange of pleasantries.

but real fear is a lingering woman. some women don't realize maybe how easily they get off when they're young and pretty. they must think i'm their therapist for that is the only other circumstance i can imagine such one-way communication.

so i'm feeling a little guilty with my head down

even in just asking for a measuring tape. she wants me to see what she's doing.