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Thursday, June 30

ugada bugada boo (i see you)

everything is so sad in such a good way. there must be so much delicacy and soft timing and words that caress. but even if you read something that is so much not like that, still you may find yourself looking at it with compassion, and also, quite possibly with much, much more compassion. it's too hard to look at it for too long, perhaps. you might pull away as you do from the sun. and in much the same way you may not realize why it was that you pulled away. the glow fills you up so quickly that you might never think to see what would happen if you let it overflow you. it might be greed to want life to never end but still you want it. and if you want it so badly that you'll give up everything you have to experience it then you just might see what it means to have it and you reach back behind you and you kick around your old toys demanding that they play with you but each time you pick them up it feels like you're destroying them even more. you're far away from them now and you'll never play with them again. your past has left you.

but then you nod knowingly in a conversation with elderly men and women for the first time and drive out into traffic and your hair blows in the salty air.

she wiped strands of hair from out of her tears and looked in the mirror. she couldn't decide what it was that she'd been staring at. the reflection of herself might as well be a part of the mirror and she may well have believed it except that the image of herself shifted its weight back and forth now and then. she lit another cigarette and looked again at herself and without feeling as she exhaled from out of a quivering chin. she might have done this for another five million years but her heart was leapt by the honk of a horn from a car down on the street. she stuck her head out into the breeze of dusk and saw her friend. the car stereo was pouring the only sound out into the wet streetlights but it sounded dim, drenched in the echo of the car horn and the blood now splashing in her ears. her glass lamp broke and shattered itself amongst the wooden floor after she slammed the door to her apartment. she ran down the steps towards outside.
'what?' her friend asked smiling as she got in the car.
'bitch,' as she pulled down the passenger mirror and put makeup on her face and the car lurched forward. out of the corner of her eye she realized that it didn't matter when it mattered and actually she didn't even realize.

Wednesday, June 29

Due to the inactivity of others, this post

One day i'll get into writing romance. one day. i have a belief that it is what i will be best at writing. not just romance but dialog. if what runs through my head determines how i can write then this should be true. imagined back and forth dialog is what keeps me busy on car rides and lawn mower rides and vacuum sweeping. i've certainly written long court/lawyer arguments in my head, and i'm always impressed by what twists and turns my imagination takes. same with romantic talks. there's usually a sense of tragedy in the discussions. it makes things so much more interesting and meaningful. i don't know why i don't ever start writing dialogs. i think it would make me feel too vulnerable.

By the beginning of this paragraph, I've not thought of anything worth mentioning to warrant it's conception, however, this conjunction makes it seem all the more interesting, even extremely interesting, if i may say. So sentence two, most often the most misunderstood of all sentences in a paragraph, usually takes one off on the detailing portion of the paragraph. Sentence three bolsters the details in sentence two. And sentence four is usually where I use some less formal grammar to get you to understand that I'm still on track with trying to filter out the most important concepts initially brought up by the opening sentence (actually this is also the sentence in which i usually get distracted by a customer and come back in the middle of but usually a little off point). Then I realize, in the final sentence, that I don't know where I'm trying to go with the paragraph and so I end it in such a way that it sounds like what I've been saying was very important and made a lot of points and a lot of sense but usually doesn't tie anything together at all, and there's no doubt about that.

Therefore, I'll let you know that everything's just probable.

A playful salutation

and...I'm out

This Price is so Cheap!! (sounds of explosions)

Name this tune:

But wait, I'm not the evil vill-ain
His name is Slates McGrogg-an
And he's got some major moves such as
back break-ers and neck crush-ers
you gotta watch out for ank-le toss-es
look out for the gut-bust-ers
and look out for the knuck-le smash-es!!!

was that:

a) some famous rapper - Let's get it started in hah!
b) fantasy clown - Screeching Wails of Rapture, Provoked
c) Cronkite Gibralter - Batman Unstoppable, the Musical

If you guess 'c' Cronkite Gibralter from Batman Unstopple, the Musical, Behind the Scenes, Congratulations!! You have won a free viewing of HBO presents: Batman Unstoppable, Behind the Scenes! Then stay for the Director's cut and the lengthy Aftermath, Ramifications of a Blockbuster Bust.

The preceding has been a paid advertisement

Tuesday, June 28

again, annoyed

Holy shit, old ladies are driving me crazy. Women, don't become an old lady, or even middle aged. You'll hate yourself. And the woman I'm working with this week is the worst. She acts as if she's always drunk. She's loud, she's extremely assertive, she's way over accomodating (she asks a customer if they need any help, if they say no thanks, she acts like 'geez, ok, i was just asking, don't worry about it.' she portrays all of that just by the way she says, 'Oh, OK!!' it makes me sick. She acts so strongly as if nothing's a big deal but at the same time she makes it seem like everything's such a big deal. plus she's constantly touching me on the shoulder or the arm, and if she could see the disgusted look on my face when she does this. and if you go to mention something to her, she comes in real close. i always back away as she comes closer, so why doesn't she get the hint? i hate to bring anything up to her because i know she'll make me feel uncomfortable, but i feel like i have to communicate with her some since we're the only two working. i don't know how this all makes me seem. i know i've had similar problems with other older women that i've talked about. i must have a very large personal space and there are very few people i let into it. random, annoying old women are not any of those few people. the one i'm working with is probably only 45 or so, so you know. sorry that i've posted this, but, had to.

Sunday, June 26

weird

it's kind of funny, too, and very reassuring.

what has become a rare occurence happened last night with most of my oldest friends being home at the same time. so we got very drunk, i used going to sheetz as a comedy routine, and we filmed hours of new footage.

so here i am at work the next day, and it seemed like all the old tricks were up at it again. and then something kicked in.

the old tricks is my extra-sensitivity after drinking, the pay-off for being extra-numb last night. weird stuff happens because my gaurd is down. nice guys come up to me and act like we're five years old and best friends. i wonder if most people would act this way if i did too. but then i feel like the encounter is too powerful and i have to pull back and i find myself mustering up my normal personality as the store manager and i can hear it in my voice, i can hear the tone of my voice putting distance between myself and the nice man. i regretted it later, but i didn't know how to continue any other way. but i'll question my life afterwards and wonder where i went wrong that i couldn't be comfortable talking to someone face to face.

then a lady will come up to me and she'll miss my saying hello to her. but i'm sensitive, and i immediately get mad at her, and almost can't stand her every move, even though she hasn't said a word yet. i begin ringing her up holding my anger privately. but i'm thinking she can tell. i imagine we're both aware of how much we dislike each other. but then i'll give her her change and she'll smile sweetly and i'll realize i made it all up.

so that's the type of stuff that normally happens. i get involved in a moment and it becomes the truth. but today, after both instances, an old idea gave me a new feeling. i was told that this was only happening because i was hung over. that is the old idea. i thought that every other time ever, too. but this time, the idea mattered. it changed how i felt. i got a new perspective on those experiences. i kind of laughed at them and i thought how curious and bizarre they were. i didn't get so worked up over how awkward i felt. this is good. i hope i become less sensitive.

or maybe i'm just not that hungover.

but anyway, haha, sheetz. so, first i roll out of the vehicle with my upperback the first part of my body to touch the dirty parking lot. this is all right in front of the store, mind you. then i go in. i grab the first things i see and make sure that everyone knows that i was grabbing the first things i see by saying it out loud, loudly. then, as i'm waiting in line for my hotdog, i eat everything. probably loudly.

well, maybe it wasn't that bad, but this morning i sure felt embarrassed. i assumed there were probably people i knew in there but didn't even notice. but there probably weren't.

and the movies? wow...

Tuesday, June 21

You want to give me surgery? Well, perhaps. How many hours do you spend playing video games per week, Doctor, uhh, mmm (looks for a nametag)...

As is usual, after I spend years of hard thought coming up with a theory , Discover comes out a few months later and takes all the credit.

Man, I love Discover magazine, and this month's issue is no exception. Uh, in fact, it's exceptionally interesting. Can I do that?

Today I learned: video games can make you smarter, more socially confident, better than the average deaf person at seeing, and even a better laparoscopic surgeon than that bum Dr. Bandelstein who's killing your clan's Halo2 ranking because he's always letting down his guarde defensively during classic ctf matches. Or so Discover reports may be the case, July 2005, Your Brain on Video Games. Here's part of it.

Here's some interesting quotes (pgs. 39-43):

A host of new studies suggest that video games build rather than diminish cognitive skills.

We had a hard time finding kids who were bad at school but good at games.

...as you get older, you kind of rest on your laurels: You learn certain patterns, you know your field, and you get a lot of experience. But (video gaming) requires you to think in a new way. I saw that the excitement of this is the challenge and the difficulty and the new learning.

...gaming might be mentally enriching.

...cognitive benefits of playing video games: pattern recognition, system thinking, even patience...gaming (may) excercise the mind the way physical activity exercises the body: It may be addictive because it's challenging.

...successful gamers must focus, have patience, develop a willingness to delay gratification, and prioritize scarce resources. In other words, they think.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The article looks at one other thing before it asks the most important question, whether or not the skills honed in video gaming can translate into the real world.* Yes, so before that the concept "regime of competence" enters the scene. This has something to do with how Tetris starts slowly until you learn what you are doing and then progressively gets harder. Same thing in Winning Eleven, and same reason both games are addictive. The article touches on dopamine activity during gameplay but clearly explains that this chemical is not a reward in itself but is always present during times of discovery and learning. Video gaming is the only form of entertainment that really constantly relies on the regime of competence. As the article points out, movies do not start with basic ideas of plot and then progress to more complex ones, nor do books start out using the most basic words, etc. Anyway, if this is an addiction it seems like the best of one. No one complains that Mom is 'addicted' to doing laundry and the dishes. Of course if she spent eight hours a day doing them, and never got to cooking...

Moving on. So one guy figured people born deaf would have better visual skills than those not. It did not turn out this way after testing. However, a test on himself showed that his skills were off the charts. He figured it was because he was good at video games. True this, or so it would seem after many kinds of testing. It also was recorded that people raised their skills in his visual tests after they played video games for a few months. So they can help anyone. It seems, "The evidence was overwhelming: Games were literally making people perceive the world more clearly." (pg41)

It also seems Steven Johnson, the Discover writer, imagines semi:colons everywhere he goes.

It also turned out that those surgeons made 37% less errors than their "nongaming peers," because of "improved hand-eye coordination and depth perception." (pg42)

This may or may not be surprising. The article reminds us that the U.S. military has long used a type of video gaming for its pilots and other soldiers to prepare them for real life warfare.

The article also mentions World of Warcraft and The Sims 2 as top brain games. Johnson himself recounts a situation where he was teaching his 7 year old nephew how to play SimCity 2000. He says he was "just giving him a tour of the city (he'd) built. But he was absorbing the rules nonetheless." (pg43) At one point he showed his nephew a part of town that was not doing so well, when his nephew looked at him and said, "'I think you need to lower your industrial tax rates.' He said it as calmly and as confidently as if he were saying, 'I think we need to shoot the bad guy.'" (pg.43)

I liked that last quote. I can just imagine a parent getting wigged out by the tone with which her son may be overheard saying to his brother, 'you gotta kill those guys first before you kill that big one. noooo! use your flame thrower!'

My situation with video gaming was different when I said it was saving my life. I meant the competition on XBox live. My friends in the same room as me were depending on my creative quick thinking and my hand-eye dexterity to be better than my opponent across the internet. But he wasn't really far away. I could hear his voice laughing at us and mocking us as his team took a big lead. I watched his character squat down on my dead teammates, furthering my anger and frustration. Often I felt like I felt when I was in the blocks waiting for the gun to start a 200m race at a track meet. Bang! We'd come back and win and finally start talking back a little trash talk all amidst thier bellyaching and claims that we'd cheated. Other people depending on me has always and in all facets of my life made me perform better and longer. (This has nothing to do with Viagra) It gives me the motivation to stay alert and try harder. This is how they helped me out of a bad situation or apathy.

People may ask, 'how can you get worked up over a video game?' But that's like asking how one can get caught up in competition. It's ping-pong, it's chess, it's basketball or highjumping, but can be for those that don't have the physical ability to do those sports but always dreamed of doing them. As games' graphics and physics progress, every young boy and girl will have the ability to watch their most creative dreams come true. And the best part about it is, it will take a lot of hard work on their part. A lot of thinking, patience and practice. And this is what makes it rewarding. This is what makes it better than just imagining it. This is why people try to learn how to write what they think instead of just think it. In my case, at least. So as long as you make sure your kids get some real excercise you shouldn't feel guilty about buying them the new XBox 360 as a birthday reward.

Hah! I'd actually say that most people I know don't like video games anymore, not because they're too mature for them and have grown out of that phase, but because the games have gotten too hard over the years for them to get any fun out of them. When a friend comes to my house if they really want to try to play Winning Eleven I realize that I have a lot of explaining to do. It took me a couple of months to be able to master or even utilize most of the controls. And there aren't even that many.

Here ends the lesson.

*a paraphrasing too close to the sentence on pg41. Discover, July 2005.

Sunday, June 19

Where have I been

Wow, things are very good. I don't tend to talk about myself when things are good. Only when things are bad do I feel compelled to analyze myself. I fear sounding conceited when I am happy. I've read a bunch of my archives today, and I'm right where I knew I was going. I'm here now. I can't question things if I wish to act on things. That's why it's so confusing when you are questioning things. Because I just used to act on things and it all would work out fine. But then I started feeling a lot worse and so I had to question what I had been doing so that I would change how I was acting so I would change how I felt.

One thing in particular stood out to me. A comment from Shawn. Later he said that he was drunk when he posted it all, but anyway, this is just one line from it. 'JUST FUCKING HAVE FUN' Right, but I couldn't. That's what I'd done for so long and it had caught up with me. I could no longer do that at that time.

Questioning things comes along with feeling badly. My main question was, 'Why do i feel bad?' and 'Could I do something about it?'

Anyway, now I'm doing great overall. I still have some problems with crowds and being trapped in them. movie theaters, churches, 3-D rides at Busch Gardens, riding in cars with people, etc. But, symptoms have decreased, even though I had to walk out of the new Batman movie. I still have a sense that I haven't conquered my own fear and with that then comes the assurance that I am not currently actualized to my potential. The cool thing is is that I find myself being able to do things I wished I could do when I was younger. Things I expected myself to be able to do.

I don't know. I'd say I'm about 80%. I'd say I've sunk as low as 20% in my life (for very short periods) and that I hovered around 40% a few years ago and was maybe 50% at the beginning of my blogging career, if you wondered.

But I don't feel like thinking inwards much more and for some reason my feelings are becoming more easy to identify. Odd twist of logic it seems to me. A good one though. I hope I've learned something important.

Saturday, June 18

Humans haven't just exterminated other humans,

but animals too and in much the same way and under much the same conditions. There are plenty of big animals in Africa. The lion, elephant, rhinocerous existed and developed along with earliest human development. However, when humans entered previously isolated areas centuries or millenia later, they did so with advanced hunting tools and techniques. Where are the big animals of Australia? Exactly. Fossil records show that there used to be lions and other big animals including a giant kangaroo, which all seemed to disappear at the same time human presence appeared. Either these animals didn't survive the drought that is archaeologically apparent just before human arrival or humans hunted them into extinction. Diamond tells me that the animals had survived many similar droughts over the years and so suspects that it was the arrival of the humans.
Over-hunting had an adverse effect on the humans as well. Without big animals, the Polynesians that settled the islands of the South Pacific had no native animal to domesticate. This meant less abundance of food, less craft/political specialists, less advanced societies.

Part of the reason of their technological disadvantage.

Thursday, June 16

City Cesspools vs. Hunters-Geniuses?

For some reason I hate that title.

Anyway, more Jared Diamond. Live in close proximity with thousands of other people and diseases will thrive. Those large, early civilizations were breeding grounds for some very complex strains and viruses. Those living in those civilizations created biological defenses against them. Those who survived a disease gave birth to a child more likely to survive it as well, or something like that. Take these complex diseases to a society of villages without biological defenses and they will all die.

People living in crowded towns were less likely than gatherers-hunters to die of starvation, murder (says diamond b/c of police forces etc.; i was surprised), animal attacks, things like that. They had to fight diseases instead. So, the most capable to fight disease lived to breed, not the most intelligent. On the other hand, those gatherers-hunters (my one professor says they may be referred to in this way soon b/c they are predominantly gatherers) that are most clever, crafty, practical, intelligent, will live to breed.

Look more modernly, America's and Europe's and Japan's and China's children may spend less time thinking actively and instead spend days thinking passively via tv, videogames, other entertainment. Diamond thinks on average the native hunter-gatherer is more intelligent than the average, say, American. He has spent about half his life with them and says they seem more alert and more able to adapt and learn in general. He says the effects on unstimulated children brains is irreversable.

Wednesday, June 15

Be More Specific

Ok. Take the small scale example of Polynesian daughter societies. All hailing from the same culture, Polynesian people were the first humans to colonize islands such as New Zealand, Societies, Hawaii, Easter Island and many other various islands. The key word is various. They all came from the same culture with the same farming traditions. However many of these daughter societies eventually went back to hunter-gatherer techniques. They didn't suddenly become barbaric; it was simply the most adaptive and practical thing to do. These societies were ones that had settled islands that could not support their former farming traditions. The new climate was too cold, or they had settled on a flat island that didn't have its own rivers. Since these societies couldn't support farming they couldn't support large population densities, couldn't support specialized skills craftsmen, armies, chiefs. The Big Hawaiian Island, for example, with its high, weathered, river-carved land, could support a good deal of intensive, irrigated, farmland. There chiefdoms developed, empires began. Other islands were not as inviting. Needless to say, as the farming societies began growing too large, or just too greedy, they started exploring farther out into their surroundings. There are cases where they ran into islands of hunter-gatherers and conquered them or exterminated them. Or, they ran into a society that maybe had some farming, but only limestone in their rock beds. These societies had found an island that had never been part of a continental fragment and thus had no continental rocks or metals with which to form advanced tools. Bone would probably be their best bet. My arm is made of bone, but it doesn't really stand up as a good weapon against a metal sword.

But, overall, if those islands were so poor in resources why would the farming socieities want to conquer them? Well, maybe it didn't happen that often, and there are some cases where they might want to. The next question is, well, the Americas had some very good farming lands, why did they get conquered by the Europeans other than the proximate factors? I think Diamond is going to explain that the Europeans had a head start. Human beings did not populate the America's until around 11000-13000 years ago (i think) or so Diamond would contend. These dates mark the Clovis period, according to some adjusted form of carbon dating from archeological sites. (adjusted isn't the word he used, but) The adjusted date differs about 2000 from what most people would have been taught was the Clovis period. Also, others say that the New World had been inhabitted earlier, but these dates are unconfirmed and either way they would not indicate a large scale society. Large scale socities in the New World did not appear until clovis. Now this is important but I can't remember right now, but I think it was 40000 years ago that modern humans, homo sapiens sapiens, appeared in W. Europe.

So, a head start? Well, not yet. I haven't learned when the first large scale society appeared in W. Europe. Also, Africa had the largest head start, right? So what conditions prohibbited Africa from becoming filled with societies that would eventually develop navies, etc. There's a big desert and steeply vallied jungles, but weren't the plains and plateaus suitable for farming? Couldn't they have domesticated some of the big animals? Some of you may have answers for these already, and tell me if you do, or if you wish to guess, but otherwise I'll see what Diamond says about my questions. So far his tone indicates that he'll basically prove it.

What's Jared Diamond Talking About

Wasn't it the fact that W Europeans built up a navy through Meditteranean contact and that they had better tools and weapons? Isn't that the reason, say, Pizzaro basically defeated the Incan Empire with only 168 men? Yes, but he's saying those are proximate factors and those are easy to prove and understand. He wonders, and explains, what were the ultimate causes? Why wasn't it the case that Atahualpa led his Incan armies over the ocean in order to conquer the Western Europeans?

People say things such as genetics, intelligence and other things, but Diamond says it is mostly environment (local domesticable plants and animals, land area, land arableness, isolation, land barriers - mountains separating societies) and time to develop that led Western-called nations to be able to develop their societies to the point that they were more able to colonize, and more wanting to.

He is mostly convincing in explaining what he believes and in explaining why he doesn't quite believe the other explanations. So, in the end, was it all just luck? Well, I'm only on chapter three, but it seems so.

Hopefully I get to say some more today.

Tuesday, June 14

Quickly, and during Futurama

I had a dream last night in which I heard a poem. I wished I had written the poem, but alas, it was a poem written by M Angelou. whoops! can't spell it. But anyway, I woke up and realized that, yes, it must have been I that had written it. Therefore, it was free for my using. However, upon remembering the poem it was not so good. Yet, you'll hear it here first.

Firing pennies filled my mouth
And he saw heaven in the grey mist of the poltergeist

and i'll add from today:

I'm a gentle spirit, and I'm a cannon full of fodder

really, those were the words from the poem in the dream. haha, they seemed so poetic

Thursday, June 9

Of the Day

Where can I get Hawiian music, or anything that sounds Hawiian?

And the letter Z.

Wednesday, June 8

You know what?

I almost bought Death Sentences but got jared diamond's guns germs and steel. it is a logical step from exterminate all the brutes and i plan to talk about the book here a lot. especially an outline of the prologue or introduction. but death sentences seemed interesting, too. written by an australian who's been responsible for political speech writing and also for satirical and comedy writing. maybe like their john stewart type. i haven't read the link really, but the cover flap was inticing when i saw it at the mall. it seemed like he was going to break down why we need to shake off some of this rigid, cliched and meaningless management-speak etc. but isn't it more important the way the manager expresses his words than the words themselves. the right words can sometimes spur you to change your attitude, but if someone with whom you've already an intoxicated attitude for says some cliched 'pump you up' inspirational speech, you'll get chills despite the cliche', and because of the energy and close brainwave-type feeling towards that person. and whatever, so long as he's very clear and detailed, i'd like the book.

After a walk

Someone was whistling. It came to me through the screen in the window; through the muggy choking smell of fertility and spring turned summer sickening sweetness. It was upbeat. It was a diddy of some kind. It sounded like a colonial tune. It was upbeat but it sounded like it may have been a simple tune about how a man's woman had run off west, over mountains and through trails, never to return. It was lonely.

and she went down the path
and she never came back

Monday, June 6

A Fairly Drunken Update!

didn't they?

Anyway. Steve and I got some hundred proof whiskey, right. Basically, I've been sober 15 out of 17 days. That's good. But not tonight. There's plenty I'd like to tell you about my realizations about being sober lately, but that's not the plan right now. Right now, I will tell you other things.

I love thinking about history. Thinking about Thich Nhat Hanh and the like. Thinking about my life right now compared with life ten, twenty, one-hundred thousand years ago. We've only been a superpower for the last twenty years, at most. Luckily, the Wolfman enjoys this type of conversation. Not that we got that far.

But, before snapping to judgements, we need to realize this: that we've only been in consciousness for the last ten or so years. We need to comprehend what people our age were thinking twenty years ago, etc. How else can we feel so justified in our opinions?

But, without thinking about justification, we need to look ahead. No longer to I look to become independent just so that I can satisfy my desires. My desires no longer satisfy me. Or better, I have new desires. (It's annoying that I often see myself as Doogie Howser when I type my opinions.) I now care about 'us' in more of a collective view. I don't see my job as something that allows me to just get home and enjoy myself. Being home no longer is as satisfying. I want to be doing something more important. Like documenting route 20 or something. This is an interesting change for me. I am ready for a more global role. I am ready to assert my opinion when it comes to justice or equality.

But not right now. Thinking is its own justice, its own job. Paintings are their own example of assertion. Drinking water tells me that I am alive. Drinking whiskey tells me that I am hiding. I must get more water.

ugh. i got to go to bed.

Sunday, June 5

I Went to the Rodeo

According to legend, we were put on this earth with animals and all other kinds of life, over which we were given mastery. Last night, I went to see in just what kinds of ways we were using this gift. Actually, all of the entertainment, other than the juvenile back and forth between our 'miked-up' host and a moronic clown, was a display of what used to be extremely practical skills. Why do we need to ride on a bull? Ok, other than to tame the heart of an indian princess, no reason, but all of the horse riding and steer roping used to be quite handy. I suppose it all still is in certain states, but back in the Good Old West our lives depended on it, if I'm imagining correctly.

We (My boss/aunt's family and my mother and father) got to Huntingdon's fairgrounds a little early in time to grab some funnel cakes and sausages and settle in with an acceptable view of the dirt field. We watched in anticipation as young cowboys and girls locked up their minds. Horses stirred. A bronco banged against his metal cage. You could tell the cowboys from the local men with cowboy hats on. They looked about the same, but the cowboys walked with a strut that suggested that each step was the most important thing they could be focusing on. The locals or the family members of the cowboys that had never dared to ride a bronco or a bull walked with their shoulders sunken, and you could see much more of their eyes than their face. You don't have to guess who would get out of who's way in the concession concourse.

I sat around eating in the audience. When would the bull riding begin, we wondered. Would they do that technique where they yank the steer to the ground and tie up his feet? Suddenly, we saw some banners rise and the cowgirls burst onto the field atop their pounding horses. First up!!? Adverstisments...

Actually, first up, after that, was bronco riding. My little cousin didn't understand why this was something people were doing. Why did we want to see this. His mother tried to explain it to him. "The cowboy is going to try to stay on the horsies back and the horse is going to try to get him off" "Why?" he asked, in his high-pitched, very concerned sounding voice. "Because the horsie doesn't like him on his back." "Why?" The more she tried to explain to him, the less it began to get through to me. I think I started to agree with him. It wasn't like they were trying to tame the horse so that one day they could ride him and trust him. It seemed unnatural and a little sad. Matthew stopped paying much attention after a while. Mostly, I think he was a little shocked by the brutal movements of the horse. It scared him and he didn't understand why everyone made him get so excited all day to come see this.

There weren't very many painful looking falls (the best part was watching the cowboy get pulled off of the bronco by a cowboy on a more docile horse), but one time a horse fell down after its second buck, and it looked like he landed on the cowboy. My mother and aunt gasped, but when I looked at my mother she quickly turned it to a smile. It was just a good old day at the rodeo.

Soon we were watching the cowgirls race around the barrels. I realized that I had watched a friend do this before in competition. So, I guess it wasn't my first time at the rodeo. The horses entered the dirt field with speed, and it was fun to watch them dip their shoulders and watch the way the cowgirls moved on top of them.

After a little cow roping and cow tripping came the lone indian chief. I thought that this was deemed racist and illegal years ago for some reason. I don't know why I thought that, TV probably, but it was basically just a show of how the indians were just as manipulative of their animals as the cowboys were. The lone indian chief, constantly leading us in his own applause, prodded his horse with a kind of thin, long, sturdy whip into all sorts of unnatural "war-horse" poses. Our host explained from out of a mythical book what the horse and chief were doing. The horse lifted and stomped his right foot as "the enemy advanced." Then he switched to his left foot. It looked very odd because to get his hoof high enough in the air for his master's liking, he'd have to jerk his neck up as awkwardly as that word is spelled. The horse went through all kinds of dances and hind-leg walking salutes to the audience as our host continued with his melancholy, almost magical tale of the indian's tragic fate. The lone indian chief forced his horse to straighten it's front legs and place it's head between them in a bowing manner as our host explained was just like the native americans were forced to resort to prayer since they couldn't keep up with "the enemy's" ever-advancing weapon technology. Our host ended the story with a booming, chilling voice, saying that now the indian and the white man have learned to live together in harmony.

Later the lone indian chief came out again riding his 'war-ponies' by standing with one foot on each saddle. He took them through lead changing figure eights and over burning fire. Then he brought out a third pony and together they jumped the ring of fire. But this was all an hour or two into it all and most people seemed to be watching everything a lot more passively than they were at first. It seemed impressive, though.

There were many kinds of similar events throughout the evening. There was one where teams of two would attempt to rope up the steer. One would hook around its head and then the other would get its hind legs leaving the animal in a spread out position. It was hard not to be reminded of those faces of death movies i've heard about where a man is tied between two horses and then they gallop off in different directions tearing off his limbs. But I wasn't. This event was the one I've posted pictures of. Other times a single cowboy would lasso one himself and then hoping his steed could keep the right kind of tension on the rope wrapped around the steer's neck, he would lift the small animal off the ground and then slam it down on its side before raising his arms in victory and to signal for the offical time keeper to stop the clock. Also, and more exciting was the steer wrestling. The gate would open and the steer would take off into the dirt field. The cowboy's were required to give them a headstart and then chase them down and jump from their horse onto its neck. I think this was the one where they twisted it down and then tied up the legs. Most of the cowboys timed it wrong and were penalized 10 seconds. A few others never caught up with the animal and my mom felt embarrassed for them. She was holding Jessica at one point and said sadly to her that she felt bad for the cows when they were thrown to the ground. Jessie looked at her for a moment and said nothing. Thirty seconds later, after the animal was set free and was running off towards the gate, Jessie looked up at my mother and said, "Are you happy now, Aunt Debbie?" (Haha, it was cute, awww). Ennnnyway, many cowboys missed when they jumped from the horse and got mouthfuls of dirt.

While we waited for the cowboys and animals to get set up before each run the clown and our host bantered back and forth. Other times the host was talking about sponsers and shit. Either way it was annoying because many times the gates would open and you wouldn't be ready for it. At some points the clown was very annoying. Once, while sitting on side fencing, he was asked how he was doing by the host. He said, "fine, if this guy here would give me some of what he's drinkin'," and he indicated a man walking by with a mountain dew. The man was a little flustered, it seemed, and stuck out his arm offering a drink to the dirty clown. The clown took it and then acted like he wasn't going to give it back. He acted like this for 2 minutes. After taking two drinks, he finally gave it back, relieving the man of standing around feeling like an idiot. Fucking clown. At the very beginning I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because I thought he was going to be a bull saver. But it turned out there were two other guys who did that. The clown wasn't all that bad. Especially at one point when he broke character. The host was making a joke at him or something and the clown pointed seriously to the gate to get him to realize the action was about to start back up.

As the rodeo wore on, I started to feel a little intoxicated. I looked up and saw the sky had turned black and starless and thousands of bugs swarmed like falling snow in the tall lights. I can finally say that you have not seen the largest bug in the universe, for I have. It landed on my leg around 10:00 last night. I stood up and everyone looked at me and my new growth. I just grabbed a measuring tape, while writing this, and can estimate the thing was over three inches long and an inch and a half wide and thick. It just kind of hung out for a while while I posed for the crowd. Eventually I prodded it off with my water bottle. A minute later an old lady and I saw it crawling up the back of the man in front of me. I shrugged my shoulders helplessly to her as it reached his neck. Finally, as she tried to get his attention, I meekly stuck my water bottle between the giant insect and the man's neck. He briskly flinched it off of him and on to his wife and then off his wife. I tried to explain that I was a wuss, or something, while he was saying something under his breath. Then he got his comb out of his wallet and scooted the bug down a crack in the concrete bleachers.

But despite all that, I was feeling intoxicated, and at the perfect time, too. Finally, bull riding was next, what we'd all been waiting for. This was indicated by the packs of droves that left the arena as soon as it was finished even though there was an hour of activity left. Ironically, the audience felt closer to one another as we all focused our eyes on the bulls crashing around in their metal cages. Out in the field the cowboys all took on a similarly serious tone, one that was in contrast to the playful, jesting way they'd acted earlier. The host introduced us to the star of the night- the bull- as the gate opened and one stode out into the field. He was compared to a grizzly bear with cat-like reflexes. He was powerful and seemed to lack any humor. He stopped and took up an imposing posture, like he knew he was being admired and awed. Three horses with three veteran cowboys on them shied back a little. There was no confidence lacking in the two bull savers, however. Their flailing antics now looked like awesome coordination as they calmly urged the bull back out of the gate. The clown had brought out a human dummy and was offering it up some high-fives, but was obviously left hanging. Even the clown was seen different in this atmosphere of suspense. Most of the audience seemed to no longer feel annoyance towards him. We now looked to him for a little relief and comfort. But nothing could break the silence.

The first attempt was the most thrilling. The cowboy hung on for a few seconds before falling most of the way to the ground. His hand got stuck. The audience couldn't turn their attention from the horror as the bull repeatedly stomped and shattered the man's legs. I was certain he wouldn't be able to walk. I had a pretty good view and I saw direct kicks to the man's knees and shins as he was drug around the field. But when he was finally freed and the bull was baited back out of the field, the cowboy stood up and limped to the gate. My mother and my aunt gasped, and this time when I looked over at my mother her face turned to one of disbelief and sickness. She was now the one asking 'why?' She said that it was horrible and couldn't understand why we were here cheering it on.

The rest of the bull riding went pretty smothly with no one getting stomped or horned. I was a little disappointed with how the bulls acted after the cowboys got off. I was hoping they'd be more upset and chase the bull savers around the arena.

The last bull rider of the night was also exciting. The bull took off straight ahead and went almost the length of the field, forcing the three cowboys on the horses to spread out of the way. Then the bull turned back and just after the horn sounded, giving the cowboy an official score, he was bucked backwards off the bull and landed straight on his head and neck. Some of the cowboys actually had helmets on, but this guy didn't. Eventually, he got up to cheers, and I saw him move his head, albeit gingerly.

Then came the real excitement, something with some audience participation and competition - the race to the cars. There was immediate complaining and pushing and shoving. My mother and father and I took off without turning behind us to say goodbye to my aunt and uncle and cousins. This wasn't my planning of course. I was just trying to keep up with my ride. My dad was tired was the thing. He didn't understand why we had to watch all the bulls. He wanted to beat traffic. The first twenty minutes of the ride home was him complaining, and my aunt calling us up to ask why we flew out of there so quickly. Oh, and the first twenty minutes of the ride home was in the parking lot. It all struck me as so odd. Also, it showed me the importance of being healthy and increasing your concentration. There was so much to absorb and to think about at the rodeo that I lost my energy quickly. But when I had it at the beginning, I was noticing and contemplating so much more. I could have sworn I could have told you five of the best ten horses just by looking at the 50 or so that pranced around in a type of introduction at the beginning. Also, I could almost feel the action at the beginning, each bounce of the horse and each adjustment of the rider. But had I been tired, I could never have enjoyed it at all. Getting home would have been my only hope and I would have seen nothing new or exciting at the rodeo. I probably would have just seen it as a useless and dying artform, turned custom, turned sideshow.

caught one

Bad Quality

giving chase

She's killing them

The Rodeo

Snared

Ooops!

roped him

a bucking bronco

The Drzal's!

Jessica

Mom and Dad

Matthew and me

Trust

Lone Indian Chief

Saturday, June 4

Heh and Yuck and Ewwkaaay (half roll your eyes)

My future seems encouraging. I don't need a fortune cookie to tell me that. But what else is out there? This seems to be hotmail's attempt at advertising. Touche' hotmail.

For Bob only: bosses will not be convinced this is work related. And because I feel bad now, here's my apology for Bob only. Eww! I really do want to stop. I'm only here because I looked up 'hotmail' in images. Why did my present stray so far from my predicted future?

If you want more pictures like that go ahead and go here, but...

General Public: and it seems when you look up gmail under gmail images you get more tasteful stuff. I think that picture is funny.*

And from the internationally renowned thinktank, http://brainwagon.org, comes THIS!

Oh well. this sucks



*for those of you who don't get my use of italics, i meant that i think that that picture is supposed to be funny**

**if you all knew that then i'm an idiot. and now i feel extra bad for he who actually didn't understand it.

Wednesday, June 1

I am Going to the Rodeo

maybe i should get a job as one of those gutless clowns i always see running away from the bulls

Really, the rodeo. I didn't think that was something I was really allowed to go to for some reason. But here I go, this Saturday, for $10, I'm off to watch a professional try to ride on a bull for a few seconds and then pray to God that he doesn't get the life stomped out of him. Then, I'll watch the next guy. At least it's not bull-fighting. I don't think I'd want to watch that. I wonder if the rodeo includes those wusses that ride a horse for three seconds before they rope a steer and then hop off the horse, rip the animal to the ground by half-breaking his neck and then tie his feet up in the ultimate display of authority. Actually, I don't really have anything against this, it just doesn't seem that much fun on tv. In real life, I bet it would be exciting. I mean, no one would cry mercy if I wrestled a snake to the ground. I imagine my review of this experience will range from A to C depending on how close I sit to the animals and the action. Haha, bulls seem so funny all of the sudden. They're just so angry!

Oh, HAHAHA, imagining that makes me remember how funny rhinos are. According to a local fact, upon seeing an open fire, a rhinocerous will storm towards it and stomp it out. Maybe I saw this one scene in a movie, or maybe I imagined this scene, but sit two or three amigos around a desert fire, minding their own business, when out of nowhere, a giant rhinocerous bursts into their burning fire, nose first, and kicks and stomps the fire out, snorting and flailing, sending logs and ash flying. Then, the rhinocerous just takes off back into the trees, leaving the terrified campers fireless.

imagine an older man making weird faces

ok so i read a couple of paragraphs and...i don't know.
all i kept thinking was that i can almost relate with what is being said, but i can't relate in a 'that's so true' way. more like, some of what you're saying is some of what i've thought about. i guess one day i'll commit wholley to a certain world-view or personal-view of society, but i can't commit now. everyone i love holds me back; forces me to keep other possible future personal-world-views open. what if it came down to a decision between being true to yourself and love. i know you'll all say well then that wouldn't be real love if you couldn't feel true to yourself. and that's probably right. it's more like i'm sacraficing myself so that i don't hurt them. but this isn't what they would want or what i want, right. but now, ok, i see this clearly, but yet still can't adopt the 'our world is like this' view. any 'our world is like this' view. any 'our society feels as such' thing. you'd have to believe in the collected unconscious. and to do that you'd have to talk to a lot of various people, deeply.

ok, so what i'm saying says nothing about the cd, of course, but let's consider the cd and its review. a friend and i are sitting around listening to it. personally, i want to know how interconnected our minds are. so when i react strongly to a certain part of the song i think about why it is that i liked it. i'll turn to my friend and see if he liked that part as well. ok, he did. at least it seemed like it. or maybe he was just responding to my turning to him and expressing my enjoyment. he, perhaps was enjoying it overall, and so answered 'yeah this is awesome,' to my question, 'oh, that was awesome,' and maybe wasn't affected by that one part that i was. i realize that i liked that part for personal reasons, ones that couldn't have been the same for him. the fact of the matter is, though, that we were playing our parts in society by sitting there in enjoyment of this new, modern sound, song, event. we're up on our times and feel togetherness towards society's future. we belong. but, to me, my personal reactions seemed stronger and more important than just going with the flow and just enjoying it because we were supposed to enjoy it. i feel this weird draw towards people that fit right in with the way society is developing, but i can't join them. this suits me.
 
NOTE: z
No smoking around chadswope. Thankyou for your co-operation.

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