weird

it's kind of funny, too, and very reassuring.

what has become a rare occurence happened last night with most of my oldest friends being home at the same time. so we got very drunk, i used going to sheetz as a comedy routine, and we filmed hours of new footage.

so here i am at work the next day, and it seemed like all the old tricks were up at it again. and then something kicked in.

the old tricks is my extra-sensitivity after drinking, the pay-off for being extra-numb last night. weird stuff happens because my gaurd is down. nice guys come up to me and act like we're five years old and best friends. i wonder if most people would act this way if i did too. but then i feel like the encounter is too powerful and i have to pull back and i find myself mustering up my normal personality as the store manager and i can hear it in my voice, i can hear the tone of my voice putting distance between myself and the nice man. i regretted it later, but i didn't know how to continue any other way. but i'll question my life afterwards and wonder where i went wrong that i couldn't be comfortable talking to someone face to face.

then a lady will come up to me and she'll miss my saying hello to her. but i'm sensitive, and i immediately get mad at her, and almost can't stand her every move, even though she hasn't said a word yet. i begin ringing her up holding my anger privately. but i'm thinking she can tell. i imagine we're both aware of how much we dislike each other. but then i'll give her her change and she'll smile sweetly and i'll realize i made it all up.

so that's the type of stuff that normally happens. i get involved in a moment and it becomes the truth. but today, after both instances, an old idea gave me a new feeling. i was told that this was only happening because i was hung over. that is the old idea. i thought that every other time ever, too. but this time, the idea mattered. it changed how i felt. i got a new perspective on those experiences. i kind of laughed at them and i thought how curious and bizarre they were. i didn't get so worked up over how awkward i felt. this is good. i hope i become less sensitive.

or maybe i'm just not that hungover.

but anyway, haha, sheetz. so, first i roll out of the vehicle with my upperback the first part of my body to touch the dirty parking lot. this is all right in front of the store, mind you. then i go in. i grab the first things i see and make sure that everyone knows that i was grabbing the first things i see by saying it out loud, loudly. then, as i'm waiting in line for my hotdog, i eat everything. probably loudly.

well, maybe it wasn't that bad, but this morning i sure felt embarrassed. i assumed there were probably people i knew in there but didn't even notice. but there probably weren't.

and the movies? wow...