freshness is worth its weight in pennies

if you're thinking, 'yeah, i love hershey's almond bars,' here's some advice: paying 85 cents for the king size bar (70-plus grams)at a dollar general store is not better than paying 65 cents for 40 grams if the king size bar isn't fresh, period.

this and all kinds of other things

it's interesting, the parts of the day. i'm trying to figure out how i'm different when i'm home and when i'm at work and when i'm in other situations, too, but mostly, home and work.

on a different subject, i don't favor one way over another when it comes to living, theoretically (in reference to 'favor' not 'living'), but i live a certain way. it is very obvious to me, the opposite of how i am. or it seems so, at least. and it is hard for me not to cringe when i see others living in a stark opposite way. haha, after my true feelings fade, i tend to turn to rationalizing, as if i say to myself, 'hmm, i can see the benefits of living like that.' i do this, perhaps, because i don't want there to be right and wrong ways of living, because i don't want to find out that i am living the wrong way. but that is dumb to think, i know, because it is ridiculous to label who you are and what you do, as 'wrong.' and i don't. but then there's that cringe.

what in particular is making me react negatively, right? well, i could tell you things, but it really only makes sense to me in general. i like thinking in general. if you think specifically, and weigh each thing particularly, you will never get anywhere if you are trying to find values. i need some values, you know, some guidelines, a basic framework, a solid foundation. where do you find things like this in specifics.

for a kind of example: someone is bothering you. this person is, say, drunk. this person normally doesn't bother you much, but always does when drunk. you try to explain to this person that you don't like him when he is drunk. this person begins to defend himself and asks for specifics. you throw out the specifics you can think of, which are just recent examples. this person can rationalize and make excuses for each example. you are now forced to hurt this person personally or contine to be bothered.

don't throw this example away just as, 'well, that person was just drunk.' this was the easiest example because it is easily identifiable. when a person gets drunk, they can get on your nerves in a quick progression. but people can do this when they are not drunk, and it is these times that worry me, because there isn't a wet excuse. what bothers me is usually a repeated pattern. their repeating patterns. their predictable, life-degrading* patterns.

on the other hand, of course, patterns are the blueprint for life for the human brain. look at a dream. your brain looks at the maybe-random visions and feelings and makes sense of it. making sense of things is just the brain trying to make itself feel comfortable. it takes formerly undiscernable blinks of sensations and puts them together into known patterns, or fits them into an on-going category reserved for probable theories. or something like this.

so why do i have these immediate unconscious likes and dislikes of people. i really don't want to believe that things beyond my control effect me. no, no, no, what i want to say is that i want to know everything that effects me. i can understand that when i see a person of similar eyes and colors i feel comfortable. i lived for many years staring as a baby into my mother's and father's and grew up with similar looking brother and sister. i still feel an immediate attraction to similar looking people, or even dissimilar looking people who, to make up for it, make recognizable faces or use similar voice tone and cadences. when people do not have these characteristics it must be made up for by shared interests, things which allow us to turn our attentions external. why? maybe my brain fears taking on a new challenge of learning different ways. maybe just because it likes to feel comfortable. it's like if i lived in england, i'd force myself to become friends with all irish folk i met. in general, no one really wants to do that all of the time. but when i am around people whose brains are too comfortable all of the time, i really get annoyed, a little sick.

eh, i'm sick of this right now. maybe my point is: over time can you change your feelings?

*or this is how i feel until i rationalize it, in privacy

against all earlier affirmations

Why is there something rather than nothing, continues to be philosophy's most central and most dizzying question. so i suppose i will trudge on with something.

i am tired of my previous niche. i am tired of looking through that perspective. i still can, but it feels out of vogue, personally. it will take me a while to find a new niche, however, and i will struggle, much like my drawing faces improvement has struggled. (haha, yeah, heh).

anyway, i think i may get more into specific interests, as opposed to very generalized ideas, and i fear this may cause disinterest, but let's just see what happens. mostly, because maybe nothing will happen at all, in the sense that, this post may be an anomaly.

i made a deal with myself today. i am going to make life simpler indefinately. probably for the next 30 years or so. and then i'll come back to this. i always figured these years to be like an early retirement. hopefully, i'll have learned from now and will live a long life. but, nevermind.

not me drawing

in an effort to make my life more simple, i believe i am going to be posting much, much less.

thanks for the memories

should i explain? exactly

ummhmm, i'm following

so i tried to see reality as it would be without me. i thought that it was important to see the truth beyond my own objective eyes. i don't know how much of reality i actually saw. maybe there was a benefit to it all.

if you have the right perspective of death, you'll know what you want out of life. but i don't know what comes first.

having power makes me feel guilty. something about it doesn't seem fair.


oh, thanks to nathan, i was a hired assassin in a recent dream. it was a long dream, which makes it worth something. first, though, let me tell you about my recent television watching experiences. the last few times i've watched House, i became immersed in it. i let it 'totally absorb' me, as it were, according to maslow. big but, though. i would realize it maybe halfway through the episode, which would shock me out of concentration, and i wouldn't know how to get back into it. it is at these times that i feel fear. i'd liken it to trying to fall asleep while fully conscious, or if you've ever been overly exhausted, you might know how hard it can be to let go of your hold on your consciousness and just let yourself fall asleep.

well, this is what i've been working for for years now. the ability to allow myself to be absorbed by life again. when i'm absorbed, i'm at full concentration, full confidence and i know exactly what my point of view is. it is impossible to confuse me and my creative ability skyrockets. when i'm not absorbed, i can barely keep focused on the most basic and essential points.

there is a type of consciousness involved in dreaming and this is why this dream is important: it was long. usually my dreams are like commercials. there would never be a plot; i'd simply be one place and then another.

so, the dream was nothing spectacular, but it was fairly interesting. i was hired by a few conspirators who wanted a man killed. i agreed to their plan, which they'd spent many months working out. they stood to make some number of millions of dollars, i believe. well, the plan was that i would make a speech during some kind of convention at a place much like my highschool. as soon as i finished my speech, i would pull out my gun and shoot one of the judges in the head. somehow, i was going to get out of jail time by pleading mentally instable.
well, i went to the school and waited nervously through the other speeches. i kept fingering the gun in my coat pocket. i couldn't believe i actually had one on me. i started mentally running through my speech and how i would kill the guy. by the time the speaker ahead of me had started her speech, i started getting paranoid. i ran through the plan in my head again and realized that there was no way i would get away with killing the guy. i decided i better get the hell out of there. i snuck out of the auditorium and tried to find my way outside. for some reason i couldn't and i found myself just outside the auditorium again right as the lady was about to finish her speech. i did finally get outside though and i ended up crouching low in a schoolbus, empty except for kristy lantzy.
the weird thing was how guilty i felt for ruining the conspirators' plans. they would be so disappointed in me. they weren't the kind of people that would kill me, though. they'd just be mad that i'd agreed and then backed out at the end. basically, the dream signified my amazing ability to back out of things at the last moment, because i felt that same guilt. maybe i'm the type of person that would give in to cold feet.

oh, yeah, one last thing about being absorbed by things...sometimes it feels like people could be controlling you.

some things or Mr. Nobody Goes Away

[This post has gone through many phases. It began as a comment to a comment on liz's blog, then, as a comment to a post, and now, as a post on my blog. Each time it gets longer.]

(this comment began under your comment about maslow, two posts back, but was cut and is now pasted and continued, here.)

that got me thinking so i checked m-w.com:

self-actualization is to fully realize one's full potential.

then i checked maslow:

http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm

i read it all. it was enlightening. i think it's important to read something that describes characteristics of healthy people, because when i associate with a described characteristic, i'm associating myself with something good. there were 5 or 6 points that were worthy of highlighting, so, that's something.

i learned a lot, today.

i confronted a bee at one point and although i knew i was agitating him, i was still very composed. it wasn't that i was less afraid of the pain of being stung, but that i felt that i understood the bee much better. i was more aware of him, his intentions, his patterns. if you act normally, a bee will make you aware of him, usually with a kind of zig-zag pattern (i'm making this up, in the sense that i did not read that link on bee behaviour.), or he might even circle around you. we have a lot of bees outside our store, and i was sweeping the parking lot edges of cigarette butts. i looked at a bee and wondered if he had really been warning me or had just been passing by. i backed off and saw that he stayed in that area. then i noticed that other bees that entered that area were swiftly attacked. ok, i was pretty sure, now, that he didn't want me going in there either. but, i did, looking down and continuing to sweep. this caused him to move from the spot where he was hovering and zip around me again. so i backed off again and he went back to his spot. i realized that if i had been a bee, he'd have tangled with me. with me, and my larger frame, he was hoping his intimidation techniques would be enough to keep me from interfering with his desire to control that area. well, i would not be intimidated. i went towards him and swung my broom. he flew away for a second but came right back and dashed in front of me until i again backed off a little. but i went right back at him again and swung and this time he came straight at me and made a pass at maybe two feet that lasted at least a full second. i didn't challenge him again. so, it was kind of like i communicated with a bee. yeah, the events could have been predicted by common sense, but i'd never felt so secure in my judgement that i had nothing to fear. it's nice to feel like you understand things.

probably more importantly, i regained my desire to greet people with a smile. hmm, i hadn't expected to phrase it that way. in my head, i thought i had just today learned that greeting someone with a smile makes for a more enjoyable conversation and allows for more expressiveness from each individual because of the feelings of safety and comfort that are associated with smiling. or, that i had overcome my fear of smiling at people. but once i did it the first time, it's hard not to do it anymore. it's already back to the point where if i smile and the other person does not, i would, at worst, feel a little bad for the other person and would almost be compelled to ask them if there was anything wrong. this is a total flip in my actions from even a few days ago. this is something that people will notice and say, yes, i've changed. but i've been getting better for a long time, from my perspective.

hmm. most people seem to respond to others. most people will reflect another person. there are other people out there though, and these are probably the more self-actualized people. these people will smile at you no matter in what manner you approach them. they do this because they have the self-knowledge that that is the right thing to do. as marlow said, be prepared to be unpopular though. he says that self-actualized people (if you haven't read the link) are more apt to ignore answering questions in ways that the environment suggests that they should, and instead, they answer from their own inner experience. i definately know of people who always seem to make me feel better, and they definately don't do this by reflecting how i've been acting. they are being creative and they are energetic. they don't try to understand me more than they simply, and confidently, act the way they 'know' is right. my mother, for one; she can't help but be herself, no matter how much ~playful? criticism she takes.

mmm, well, i'll stop now. guess who just came in. at least it's already 6pm.

Imagine a cool summer breeze

a dark and wintry day has passed and our hero has spent it lying face down in a cold hallway. a man for which we have less empathy towards has just burst through the cabin door carrying two bloody survivers. our hero's eyes widen at his own success in furthuring an internal problem which he decides is the mental equivalent to adding more icing to a perfectly baked lemon cake. our hero hears the man downstairs, suddenly, and he feels himself lurching to his feet and wavers down the staircase. the just set sun provides only enough light for our hero to see but not be seen. the rather nondescript fellow, who one may suppose to be handsomely gifted in strength and perhaps honor, who knows? has begun to apply bandages and tie off the more foul wounds to his uniformed comrades. our hero stands by quite passively and does not seem to be disturbed when the obvious sounds of gunfire and broken glass spring the other man to action. a red bandana tightly squeezes his head as he crouches down for cover alongside the doorframe and inserts some rounds into his gun with a click. he searches through his wet bangs for someone to shoot at in the gathering darkness. our hero also notices the darkness and so he decides to turn on the lights. before he can find a curious book to browse through he finds himself the object of a commanding holler. apparently, the exciteable man at the bottom of the stairs wishes a word, at gunpoint none the less. they stand motionless for a few moments as our hero tries to determine who should approach who. the army man clears things up, however, with a few splintering shots to the left of our hero's ear. so he begins the walk down his stairs and though tempted to stare a moment out his landing window as he usually will, he thinks better of it and marches directly towards the gunman.

"you wanted a word?"

another dark and wintry day has passed and this time our hero has spent it face down in his cold living room and with a broken nose, none the less. he comes to consciousness with the reaffirmation that the unconscious mind is a truly brilliant device. also, he finds that he's handsomely famished, and so he battles his painful head as he walks outside to find his orange grove. ah, it seems his nose-breaking friend found his own kind of victory yesterday for there are some dead men of a different colored uniform strewn throughout his lawn. suddenly, he perks up in humor, as he realizes that now that the birds will be fed there will be more bread left over for himself this week. oh, but he does have those visitors coming over tomorrow, so, light-heartedly, he supposes that all things do tend to equal out in the end.

asdklfj;alsdkfja;sldkfja;sldkfja;lskdfj;alskdfj;alsdkfja;

that's the universal symbol for frustration, right?

guess who's in the store? no, it's that old dying lady who's so pervasive. sadly, she's even more dying and even more pervasive today. i won't go too into it, but, ewlugh

involved immediately coming behind the register and placing her hand on my shoulder and now and then rubbing her hand down my arm. i didn't answer any of her questions at all. mostly because i was holding my breath. i always find myself holding my breath when people walk by me but especially when i smell a bottle of old lady perfume and especially when that old lady is touching me so softly al;skdlas.lk.ck.

she likes me so much because i do care about people and her. i expressed real concern when she told me about her problems and i even asked questions to deepen my knowledge of her problems. but now this. i would still give her concern but not now. thing is, if she wanted concern, and if she appreciated my formerly displayed concern, she would notice how cold i'm being to her. so what the hell is she trying to do?

she told me today about how she's helped people and bathed them and helped dress them for 30 years, and now god is doing this to her. i never looked at her once. when i finally did she gave the face i hate the most. the one where she puts on a big smile and dunks her neck deep into her shoulders like she's 5 and i've just told her that she's the best speller i've ever heard.

all well. i know i've burdened people with my problems and that i made it so that i didn't need their help or empathy, in fact i made it so that they couldn't give it to me, but i still blabbered on about the stuff.

ok, what else...

i can't think until she leaves the store i guess. it was 2:30 when she came in and she's never left the store until closing. so only 2 more hours to go. i may just tell her somehting today.

Irrational and Reasonable

I got into an argument with my aunt today. It's something about feeling less worthy.

I've been getting very annoyed by customers lately. I hold a secret hatred for them until and unless i have to look them in the eye, then the hatred succumbs for a moment.

I'm becoming very healthy. I'm finding I'm still depressed, but now it is more like irritability. And the irritability has an external focus now. - That customer's voice. This customer's proximity. Overall disgust in fast food restaurants. - I now get the feeling that there's something i can do about my unrest. It still doesn't make sense to me rationally, why i need things other than food and water, but although feelings may be irrational, it is reasonable to acknowledge them.

(Phone Rings) My brother just called and for the first time in a long, long while i responded happily. He was surprised. My brother has never done anything to me to make me angry, so why do i usually treat him as if he's a bother? I have a theory or something.

has to do with don't say anything if you can't say something nice and with feeling like i don't need any help and can take care of myself and if i feel upset or depressed it is my fault and i must be the one to get myself out of it. or something.

it took so much effort for me to be nice to everyone who didn't matter and since i have unconditional love for my family, i didn't take the trouble to be nice to them. i hated being mean to them, however, so i usually just tried to avoid them.

now, i'm mad at other things, and i'm okay with that. and it's better because now when my brother calls i think 'hehey!' instead of 'yeah, yeah, okay.' when he used to call, i'd think, 'just don't ask me for anything because i'm done trying for the day and i have no energy left and i don't ask you for anything.' i wanted to cry as i just wrote that sentence. that's how i was acting towards my younger brother. 'i'll ignore you and you ignore me.'
i didn't care about my feelings, so i didn't care much about other people's feelings.

so, the argument with my aunt. the argument stems from how she acts constantly, not because i disagree with her at one point in time, but i seem irrational when i wish to argue past a logical settlement of a singular problem. i could sit here and call her arrogant and selfish and, in effect, i already have, but i won't because if i was in a good mood i'd say she wasn't these things. however, she's the boss. this is the problem. it's like having a fight with your sister, when you're a kid, but every single time you and your sister are arguing your mom steps in and makes you do it your sister's way, or says that, no, your sister is right. so, my aunt holds power over me, and this bothers me, and i'm allowed to feel bothered. so, i start an argument over something when she orders me to do it her way, even though my way, if she'd listen to me, is basically the same. but, she tells me to do it her way, so just do it her way. this is fine for a boss to tell you. but not family. so we have an argument over nothing really, and it really gets to her because she doesn't have the time.

so, i'm irrational. the conflict that i chose to start a conflict with my aunt should have been over once the conflict was resolved. but, i insisted to her that there was a deeper problem. i couldn't articulate further however or i probably wouldn't like what the deeper problem was. feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, perhaps, like i was unnecessary and maybe a subject of behind-the-back ridicule. was this how i felt? does it manifest itself in my seeing her as arrogant and selfish? ?

so women have been historically the irrational ones. well, that only makes sense as man became the power holder, the money-maker, the decision maker. it is reasonable to be upset because one is seen as the less significant one in a relationship. but when a woman would get upset and try to argue, she would generally be seen as irrational, either because she forgot that the one who made the money and kept the food on the table was obviously more important, or because even if her point valid, her emotions towards it seemed overly exaggerated and were not appeased once her point was accepted. what they were really upset about was their condition, their position. but it was generally accepted that they belonged right where they were. and how rational was the man's responses to her questioning her accepted position? the man works, the woman stays home, and who could say that wasn't reasonable? oh, wasn't it? many women even would have said it was though. people believed it.

people also used to believe that there was such a thing as inferior races. exterminate all the brutes will tell you all about it. social scientists of the time wrote extensively on the subject of darwinism and inferior races. there was a quote, from a particular scientist, that was something like, "it is as merciful as the act of cutting a dog's tail off piece by piece instead of all at once, as it is to allow these lower races, these brutes, to die on their own" because it was believed that these races were doomed to extinction.

so how do people feel when they're in a world where common belief is that they are inferior. they see that those seen as 'better' all have nice luxury and are treated with honor and respect. do they live with doubt. am i really a lesser being? but i don't want to be. do they fight for luxury and position themselves? if they reach it do they feel more superior? do they really? "the children of the stars will never die like dogs." - another quote from the lindqvist book, from the title page in fact.

it was general european opinion that these were inferior races. hitler learned from european holocausts, american holocausts and exterminate all the brutes will show you this. hitler just took the idea to its extreme, but maybe only because technology enabled it. maybe he thought that he may as well not cut off their tails slowly, through years of torture and slavery.

is it reasonable to believe that you are as worthy as any other?

have you ever found yourself believing that you are better than some other?

with what scorn will the future view us? and who will be our scapegoat?