Irrational and Reasonable

I got into an argument with my aunt today. It's something about feeling less worthy.

I've been getting very annoyed by customers lately. I hold a secret hatred for them until and unless i have to look them in the eye, then the hatred succumbs for a moment.

I'm becoming very healthy. I'm finding I'm still depressed, but now it is more like irritability. And the irritability has an external focus now. - That customer's voice. This customer's proximity. Overall disgust in fast food restaurants. - I now get the feeling that there's something i can do about my unrest. It still doesn't make sense to me rationally, why i need things other than food and water, but although feelings may be irrational, it is reasonable to acknowledge them.

(Phone Rings) My brother just called and for the first time in a long, long while i responded happily. He was surprised. My brother has never done anything to me to make me angry, so why do i usually treat him as if he's a bother? I have a theory or something.

has to do with don't say anything if you can't say something nice and with feeling like i don't need any help and can take care of myself and if i feel upset or depressed it is my fault and i must be the one to get myself out of it. or something.

it took so much effort for me to be nice to everyone who didn't matter and since i have unconditional love for my family, i didn't take the trouble to be nice to them. i hated being mean to them, however, so i usually just tried to avoid them.

now, i'm mad at other things, and i'm okay with that. and it's better because now when my brother calls i think 'hehey!' instead of 'yeah, yeah, okay.' when he used to call, i'd think, 'just don't ask me for anything because i'm done trying for the day and i have no energy left and i don't ask you for anything.' i wanted to cry as i just wrote that sentence. that's how i was acting towards my younger brother. 'i'll ignore you and you ignore me.'
i didn't care about my feelings, so i didn't care much about other people's feelings.

so, the argument with my aunt. the argument stems from how she acts constantly, not because i disagree with her at one point in time, but i seem irrational when i wish to argue past a logical settlement of a singular problem. i could sit here and call her arrogant and selfish and, in effect, i already have, but i won't because if i was in a good mood i'd say she wasn't these things. however, she's the boss. this is the problem. it's like having a fight with your sister, when you're a kid, but every single time you and your sister are arguing your mom steps in and makes you do it your sister's way, or says that, no, your sister is right. so, my aunt holds power over me, and this bothers me, and i'm allowed to feel bothered. so, i start an argument over something when she orders me to do it her way, even though my way, if she'd listen to me, is basically the same. but, she tells me to do it her way, so just do it her way. this is fine for a boss to tell you. but not family. so we have an argument over nothing really, and it really gets to her because she doesn't have the time.

so, i'm irrational. the conflict that i chose to start a conflict with my aunt should have been over once the conflict was resolved. but, i insisted to her that there was a deeper problem. i couldn't articulate further however or i probably wouldn't like what the deeper problem was. feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, perhaps, like i was unnecessary and maybe a subject of behind-the-back ridicule. was this how i felt? does it manifest itself in my seeing her as arrogant and selfish? ?

so women have been historically the irrational ones. well, that only makes sense as man became the power holder, the money-maker, the decision maker. it is reasonable to be upset because one is seen as the less significant one in a relationship. but when a woman would get upset and try to argue, she would generally be seen as irrational, either because she forgot that the one who made the money and kept the food on the table was obviously more important, or because even if her point valid, her emotions towards it seemed overly exaggerated and were not appeased once her point was accepted. what they were really upset about was their condition, their position. but it was generally accepted that they belonged right where they were. and how rational was the man's responses to her questioning her accepted position? the man works, the woman stays home, and who could say that wasn't reasonable? oh, wasn't it? many women even would have said it was though. people believed it.

people also used to believe that there was such a thing as inferior races. exterminate all the brutes will tell you all about it. social scientists of the time wrote extensively on the subject of darwinism and inferior races. there was a quote, from a particular scientist, that was something like, "it is as merciful as the act of cutting a dog's tail off piece by piece instead of all at once, as it is to allow these lower races, these brutes, to die on their own" because it was believed that these races were doomed to extinction.

so how do people feel when they're in a world where common belief is that they are inferior. they see that those seen as 'better' all have nice luxury and are treated with honor and respect. do they live with doubt. am i really a lesser being? but i don't want to be. do they fight for luxury and position themselves? if they reach it do they feel more superior? do they really? "the children of the stars will never die like dogs." - another quote from the lindqvist book, from the title page in fact.

it was general european opinion that these were inferior races. hitler learned from european holocausts, american holocausts and exterminate all the brutes will show you this. hitler just took the idea to its extreme, but maybe only because technology enabled it. maybe he thought that he may as well not cut off their tails slowly, through years of torture and slavery.

is it reasonable to believe that you are as worthy as any other?

have you ever found yourself believing that you are better than some other?

with what scorn will the future view us? and who will be our scapegoat?