this and all kinds of other things

it's interesting, the parts of the day. i'm trying to figure out how i'm different when i'm home and when i'm at work and when i'm in other situations, too, but mostly, home and work.

on a different subject, i don't favor one way over another when it comes to living, theoretically (in reference to 'favor' not 'living'), but i live a certain way. it is very obvious to me, the opposite of how i am. or it seems so, at least. and it is hard for me not to cringe when i see others living in a stark opposite way. haha, after my true feelings fade, i tend to turn to rationalizing, as if i say to myself, 'hmm, i can see the benefits of living like that.' i do this, perhaps, because i don't want there to be right and wrong ways of living, because i don't want to find out that i am living the wrong way. but that is dumb to think, i know, because it is ridiculous to label who you are and what you do, as 'wrong.' and i don't. but then there's that cringe.

what in particular is making me react negatively, right? well, i could tell you things, but it really only makes sense to me in general. i like thinking in general. if you think specifically, and weigh each thing particularly, you will never get anywhere if you are trying to find values. i need some values, you know, some guidelines, a basic framework, a solid foundation. where do you find things like this in specifics.

for a kind of example: someone is bothering you. this person is, say, drunk. this person normally doesn't bother you much, but always does when drunk. you try to explain to this person that you don't like him when he is drunk. this person begins to defend himself and asks for specifics. you throw out the specifics you can think of, which are just recent examples. this person can rationalize and make excuses for each example. you are now forced to hurt this person personally or contine to be bothered.

don't throw this example away just as, 'well, that person was just drunk.' this was the easiest example because it is easily identifiable. when a person gets drunk, they can get on your nerves in a quick progression. but people can do this when they are not drunk, and it is these times that worry me, because there isn't a wet excuse. what bothers me is usually a repeated pattern. their repeating patterns. their predictable, life-degrading* patterns.

on the other hand, of course, patterns are the blueprint for life for the human brain. look at a dream. your brain looks at the maybe-random visions and feelings and makes sense of it. making sense of things is just the brain trying to make itself feel comfortable. it takes formerly undiscernable blinks of sensations and puts them together into known patterns, or fits them into an on-going category reserved for probable theories. or something like this.

so why do i have these immediate unconscious likes and dislikes of people. i really don't want to believe that things beyond my control effect me. no, no, no, what i want to say is that i want to know everything that effects me. i can understand that when i see a person of similar eyes and colors i feel comfortable. i lived for many years staring as a baby into my mother's and father's and grew up with similar looking brother and sister. i still feel an immediate attraction to similar looking people, or even dissimilar looking people who, to make up for it, make recognizable faces or use similar voice tone and cadences. when people do not have these characteristics it must be made up for by shared interests, things which allow us to turn our attentions external. why? maybe my brain fears taking on a new challenge of learning different ways. maybe just because it likes to feel comfortable. it's like if i lived in england, i'd force myself to become friends with all irish folk i met. in general, no one really wants to do that all of the time. but when i am around people whose brains are too comfortable all of the time, i really get annoyed, a little sick.

eh, i'm sick of this right now. maybe my point is: over time can you change your feelings?

*or this is how i feel until i rationalize it, in privacy