ummhmm, i'm following

so i tried to see reality as it would be without me. i thought that it was important to see the truth beyond my own objective eyes. i don't know how much of reality i actually saw. maybe there was a benefit to it all.

if you have the right perspective of death, you'll know what you want out of life. but i don't know what comes first.

having power makes me feel guilty. something about it doesn't seem fair.


oh, thanks to nathan, i was a hired assassin in a recent dream. it was a long dream, which makes it worth something. first, though, let me tell you about my recent television watching experiences. the last few times i've watched House, i became immersed in it. i let it 'totally absorb' me, as it were, according to maslow. big but, though. i would realize it maybe halfway through the episode, which would shock me out of concentration, and i wouldn't know how to get back into it. it is at these times that i feel fear. i'd liken it to trying to fall asleep while fully conscious, or if you've ever been overly exhausted, you might know how hard it can be to let go of your hold on your consciousness and just let yourself fall asleep.

well, this is what i've been working for for years now. the ability to allow myself to be absorbed by life again. when i'm absorbed, i'm at full concentration, full confidence and i know exactly what my point of view is. it is impossible to confuse me and my creative ability skyrockets. when i'm not absorbed, i can barely keep focused on the most basic and essential points.

there is a type of consciousness involved in dreaming and this is why this dream is important: it was long. usually my dreams are like commercials. there would never be a plot; i'd simply be one place and then another.

so, the dream was nothing spectacular, but it was fairly interesting. i was hired by a few conspirators who wanted a man killed. i agreed to their plan, which they'd spent many months working out. they stood to make some number of millions of dollars, i believe. well, the plan was that i would make a speech during some kind of convention at a place much like my highschool. as soon as i finished my speech, i would pull out my gun and shoot one of the judges in the head. somehow, i was going to get out of jail time by pleading mentally instable.
well, i went to the school and waited nervously through the other speeches. i kept fingering the gun in my coat pocket. i couldn't believe i actually had one on me. i started mentally running through my speech and how i would kill the guy. by the time the speaker ahead of me had started her speech, i started getting paranoid. i ran through the plan in my head again and realized that there was no way i would get away with killing the guy. i decided i better get the hell out of there. i snuck out of the auditorium and tried to find my way outside. for some reason i couldn't and i found myself just outside the auditorium again right as the lady was about to finish her speech. i did finally get outside though and i ended up crouching low in a schoolbus, empty except for kristy lantzy.
the weird thing was how guilty i felt for ruining the conspirators' plans. they would be so disappointed in me. they weren't the kind of people that would kill me, though. they'd just be mad that i'd agreed and then backed out at the end. basically, the dream signified my amazing ability to back out of things at the last moment, because i felt that same guilt. maybe i'm the type of person that would give in to cold feet.

oh, yeah, one last thing about being absorbed by things...sometimes it feels like people could be controlling you.