ugada bugada boo (i see you)

everything is so sad in such a good way. there must be so much delicacy and soft timing and words that caress. but even if you read something that is so much not like that, still you may find yourself looking at it with compassion, and also, quite possibly with much, much more compassion. it's too hard to look at it for too long, perhaps. you might pull away as you do from the sun. and in much the same way you may not realize why it was that you pulled away. the glow fills you up so quickly that you might never think to see what would happen if you let it overflow you. it might be greed to want life to never end but still you want it. and if you want it so badly that you'll give up everything you have to experience it then you just might see what it means to have it and you reach back behind you and you kick around your old toys demanding that they play with you but each time you pick them up it feels like you're destroying them even more. you're far away from them now and you'll never play with them again. your past has left you.

but then you nod knowingly in a conversation with elderly men and women for the first time and drive out into traffic and your hair blows in the salty air.

she wiped strands of hair from out of her tears and looked in the mirror. she couldn't decide what it was that she'd been staring at. the reflection of herself might as well be a part of the mirror and she may well have believed it except that the image of herself shifted its weight back and forth now and then. she lit another cigarette and looked again at herself and without feeling as she exhaled from out of a quivering chin. she might have done this for another five million years but her heart was leapt by the honk of a horn from a car down on the street. she stuck her head out into the breeze of dusk and saw her friend. the car stereo was pouring the only sound out into the wet streetlights but it sounded dim, drenched in the echo of the car horn and the blood now splashing in her ears. her glass lamp broke and shattered itself amongst the wooden floor after she slammed the door to her apartment. she ran down the steps towards outside.
'what?' her friend asked smiling as she got in the car.
'bitch,' as she pulled down the passenger mirror and put makeup on her face and the car lurched forward. out of the corner of her eye she realized that it didn't matter when it mattered and actually she didn't even realize.