Where have I been
Wow, things are very good. I don't tend to talk about myself when things are good. Only when things are bad do I feel compelled to analyze myself. I fear sounding conceited when I am happy. I've read a bunch of my archives today, and I'm right where I knew I was going. I'm here now. I can't question things if I wish to act on things. That's why it's so confusing when you are questioning things. Because I just used to act on things and it all would work out fine. But then I started feeling a lot worse and so I had to question what I had been doing so that I would change how I was acting so I would change how I felt.
One thing in particular stood out to me. A comment from Shawn. Later he said that he was drunk when he posted it all, but anyway, this is just one line from it. 'JUST FUCKING HAVE FUN' Right, but I couldn't. That's what I'd done for so long and it had caught up with me. I could no longer do that at that time.
Questioning things comes along with feeling badly. My main question was, 'Why do i feel bad?' and 'Could I do something about it?'
Anyway, now I'm doing great overall. I still have some problems with crowds and being trapped in them. movie theaters, churches, 3-D rides at Busch Gardens, riding in cars with people, etc. But, symptoms have decreased, even though I had to walk out of the new Batman movie. I still have a sense that I haven't conquered my own fear and with that then comes the assurance that I am not currently actualized to my potential. The cool thing is is that I find myself being able to do things I wished I could do when I was younger. Things I expected myself to be able to do.
I don't know. I'd say I'm about 80%. I'd say I've sunk as low as 20% in my life (for very short periods) and that I hovered around 40% a few years ago and was maybe 50% at the beginning of my blogging career, if you wondered.
But I don't feel like thinking inwards much more and for some reason my feelings are becoming more easy to identify. Odd twist of logic it seems to me. A good one though. I hope I've learned something important.
One thing in particular stood out to me. A comment from Shawn. Later he said that he was drunk when he posted it all, but anyway, this is just one line from it. 'JUST FUCKING HAVE FUN' Right, but I couldn't. That's what I'd done for so long and it had caught up with me. I could no longer do that at that time.
Questioning things comes along with feeling badly. My main question was, 'Why do i feel bad?' and 'Could I do something about it?'
Anyway, now I'm doing great overall. I still have some problems with crowds and being trapped in them. movie theaters, churches, 3-D rides at Busch Gardens, riding in cars with people, etc. But, symptoms have decreased, even though I had to walk out of the new Batman movie. I still have a sense that I haven't conquered my own fear and with that then comes the assurance that I am not currently actualized to my potential. The cool thing is is that I find myself being able to do things I wished I could do when I was younger. Things I expected myself to be able to do.
I don't know. I'd say I'm about 80%. I'd say I've sunk as low as 20% in my life (for very short periods) and that I hovered around 40% a few years ago and was maybe 50% at the beginning of my blogging career, if you wondered.
But I don't feel like thinking inwards much more and for some reason my feelings are becoming more easy to identify. Odd twist of logic it seems to me. A good one though. I hope I've learned something important.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 3:57 PM
5 $BlogItemCommentCount$:
At 8:58 AM,
ClickNathan said…
Nice links. Very good, old chaplain.
Someone who lives in my house and wears my clothes and people call him Nathan or sometimes Nate, even though he's not crazy about rhyming with great or even grate, once got really tweaked out in all situations that involved groups and meeting new people and having to interact with any human beings other than his oldest and most direct contacts.
I have absolutely no idea when that stopped. Neither does he. But I do think it has something to do with what people call the conscience. I don't know which of the two voices in my head are my conscience and which is just my conscious normal self, but they sit around arguing. The less I listen to one of them (the one who typically says "This is getting overwhelming." "What are you going to do now?" "Think harder, think harder, react, modify, cope, contemplate, think some more, quickly now, time's running out and you're losing this one!") the better off I am. I often end up looking stupid and blurting things out but it's easier to brush off saying/doing something silly than it is to get yourself out of a spinning circle of confusion.
I always wondered what other people thought when I was being like that. That's why I would feel uncomfortable in silence.
Maybe shaking hands is the solution.
Shawn has a really nice new house. On a pretty cool street, even if it is considered the ghetto. I liked it. I'm slightly envious of his current environment. No, not envious.
Extremely happy for him.
Go Steelers 2007!
At 10:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
questioning things can be confusing. you start questioning, and then you wonder, is the questioning getting me anywhere? it's hard to know when questioning's worthwhile, and when to quit questioning because it's just leading to more questions and perpetuating the crazy confusingness. you know? haha, another question.
either way, an inquisitive mind is something every intelligent, thinking seems blessed/cursed with. i mean, if you never pondered big questions, you'd be a whole lot less interesting. but of course, all that pondering does make it harder to just fucking have fun. that's where alcohol comes in handy, i guess. wait, no, um... i mean, positive coping skills, and conquering fears and stuff.
At 12:03 PM,
quiddity said…
i don't know you chad but it seems as though you've managed to create new pathways in your brain.
The great thing about this is you now have a choice: be introspective when it suits or focus outwards for a fresh perspective.
At 1:48 PM,
chad was marco said…
hahaha, but that sounds so crazy. let's just say i've grown mature.
eww, but this kind of leads me to my next post. if i can get to it today.
At 4:02 PM,
chad was marco said…
first off, forget i said 'eww' in the last comment. it meant what i described to nathan before as an interested intake of breath.
second, nathan that helps a lot right now. the steelers do need more of a fan base. but seriously, really, that was a good explanation, gator.
as for you skunky, i must make an apology (unnecessary to you, perhaps, but since the blogger contends that it publishes things, well..). I think the all-caps quote from you may not have had all caps in your original version. i should have linked it to the original and all that, but didn't.
questioning things is interesting to a point but it is not sustenance. i think what we mean by questioning needs clarified. big questions, questions in general, 'why anything' type questions. 'why' in this line of questioning is the question unanswered. so, we can't answer the ultimate question yet. damn, guess i'm not god. but, i think our attempts at it are important. hasn't the realization you've come to made you who you are today and given you your current perspective that i'll guess you wouldn't trade for anyone else's in the world?
en-any-anyway, i was thinking today that when we're learning we are most content. this also has a minor role to play in my next post. when we're not learning we feel ourselves most like creatures, in a negative way.
and liz, you make some very interesting points. to question or not to question, etc. i don't ever feel like i get to make that decision. i'm simply questioning at the time, or not. and then you become very funny, heh. much like nathan was. at best, shawn threw in a light-hearted diversion.
thanks guys.
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