One Year = New Lame Title

Wait. I'm going to go put a chew in first. I've noticed that tobacco can be as addicting as Deadwood. Yikes.

Oh. Blogger now saves my drafts automatically. ...

hmm, when did i start with the capitalizing. people will start thinking i make over 20k

so. how can i sum up the last year without - i don't feel like finishing this sentence

how bout this. any mental illness i used to mention is mostly submissed. i'm left with just a small case of claustrophobia that i can now handle. it still comes in movie theaters and church and cars i'm not driving and places where people give speeches.

i gave my brother's best man speech. i also now how my first nephew.

ok. so now, i feel like having fun.

i was watching the philosophical blockbuster, Stealth, last night, TNT presents, and they mentioned prime numbers and then the holy trinity. something neat clicked for a second. like, mathematics might not be inherently predictable, but that our inherent ability to predict things chose mathematics to be its cornerstone. it's a ridiculous idea. but it threw into question for me the beginnings of thought. the 'nature' of the things comes to mind.

if you look at the absurdity that life exists, would it be absurd to believe that life exists after life? i find myself often forgetting to focus on the miracle of existence. yet it's such a comfort. it's the be-all to faith in an afterlife. and whether or not it happens, it's something to believe in.

this is the kind of thinking a business owner needs to have possession of. you can't deal with people all day without faith. the energy of fitting in the moment without question. the past years of forcing alienation of myself and then back again let's me know that what i was before was at least as amazing as what i'd become, and more suited to myself, as that was what i learned to be at first. but i have no idea what thinking deeply will be now. i see it coming in a few aspects lately. it's building and i've seen it building and i pray it will be. i can envision myself progressing to a point where i can't imagine being specifically, but only ideally. i know it's ideal because it's what i used to envision. and i think that will finally be progress in the real. not that i didn't need these backup wonderings and quantifyings of the past years.

it's fun to rationalize. everything i ever do, i'll naturally decide got me to where i am. and though i can imagine that now it's just a different feeling talking about my life, i don't feel the need to question that. i'll just follow my own reasoning though it could be argued against. but i'll put my efforts into arguing for it.

well, so. i'm not happy with this post in any way for the public, but it's one of those mental meanderings that really just means to me. and when i point back to where it started, i'll start here. where others might point elsewhere, nominally, later on. i hope!