not very inspired, very much so (and how boring..)
i'm just going to try to get into a rythm here about anything. something hopefully will catch my interest, seeing as i have no interests right now. and that's already caught my interest. the fact that i have absolutely no interest in going forward in the conventional sense. that being the sense that has people learning practical skills and becoming what is meant by responsible. but that caught my interest because i had been thinking about it slightly, earlier in the day. in fact, however, i have no interest whatsoever in contemplating what i should do about it. i just don't have the urge to try to do something about it. i WILL have to be forced to move on.
there ARE things that must happen throughout my day for me to be able to write a post. things things have not happened at all today and i have learned my lesson that i will not really enjoy writing this post at all. however, i have little else to do.
not that i ever really got this blog to this point, but i always wanted it to be the spilloff of my energy. i do other things and try not to judge them by how well i think i did them because i know that i'm on my way to building energy. but i don't want to use this as a tool to do that.
but i guess i'm still doing it. this contradiction was the inspiration for having two blogs in the first place i guess. but i could never get it straight back then. we say we want these things to become our personal journals but that has been hampered because they have really become a communcations network. this is good in some ways, especially for me because i like myself much more in a group setup. it's the ideal situation for my personality because there is some pressure to contribute but mistakes can be easily ignored. i don't work well in a situation where i'm punished for mistakes. i do work well in situations where i'm rewarded for success. however, these are not personal journals. they are more like personality photographs where the user can, over time, crop, delete and enhance.
there is really little use of a personal journal to me in the long run, i suppose, but i would write in one. i would definately be more free to write my wildest imaginations there but that also comes with the feeling of incompleteness. i'm too passive when i lie down and write something on my own. ultimately, i would realize that i learned nothing and would roll over and fall asleep.
here, there is feedback. if you adjust yourself and your writing in response to the feedback and then succeed in getting the feedback that you wanted, that is something that can be called a success. but then you've adjusted yourself. is what you've become better? is that a question you should ask even? but, personally, i can't find ways to motivate myself when i'm just writing in my bed. what is my goal? what am i trying to accomplish?
here, i can still get to wonder away and ask myself questions and dawdle around in the unknown, but later i'm forced to look back at it. later, i'm forced to see what it was that i was doing. and so here i might actually get myself to change my thinking. yes, it's a good thing. here. it's good that i've come to that, and realized it's just a case of the mondays. heh.
there ARE things that must happen throughout my day for me to be able to write a post. things things have not happened at all today and i have learned my lesson that i will not really enjoy writing this post at all. however, i have little else to do.
not that i ever really got this blog to this point, but i always wanted it to be the spilloff of my energy. i do other things and try not to judge them by how well i think i did them because i know that i'm on my way to building energy. but i don't want to use this as a tool to do that.
but i guess i'm still doing it. this contradiction was the inspiration for having two blogs in the first place i guess. but i could never get it straight back then. we say we want these things to become our personal journals but that has been hampered because they have really become a communcations network. this is good in some ways, especially for me because i like myself much more in a group setup. it's the ideal situation for my personality because there is some pressure to contribute but mistakes can be easily ignored. i don't work well in a situation where i'm punished for mistakes. i do work well in situations where i'm rewarded for success. however, these are not personal journals. they are more like personality photographs where the user can, over time, crop, delete and enhance.
there is really little use of a personal journal to me in the long run, i suppose, but i would write in one. i would definately be more free to write my wildest imaginations there but that also comes with the feeling of incompleteness. i'm too passive when i lie down and write something on my own. ultimately, i would realize that i learned nothing and would roll over and fall asleep.
here, there is feedback. if you adjust yourself and your writing in response to the feedback and then succeed in getting the feedback that you wanted, that is something that can be called a success. but then you've adjusted yourself. is what you've become better? is that a question you should ask even? but, personally, i can't find ways to motivate myself when i'm just writing in my bed. what is my goal? what am i trying to accomplish?
here, i can still get to wonder away and ask myself questions and dawdle around in the unknown, but later i'm forced to look back at it. later, i'm forced to see what it was that i was doing. and so here i might actually get myself to change my thinking. yes, it's a good thing. here. it's good that i've come to that, and realized it's just a case of the mondays. heh.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 8:24 PM
2 $BlogItemCommentCount$:
At 10:12 AM,
chad was marco said…
at the end of my post i was of course thinking of what you had said and when i read your comment i thought of course i was thinking of what you had written. but now, to comment on your comment i'm curious. was your post about wanting to post but also not wanting to because you knew you wouldn't like how it sounded? or something.
believe me, you are no more self-absorbed than anyone else is. what else could anyone possible talk about here. politics?
actually, i'm laughing hard on the inside right now (half because i'm chewing) because i was thinking of someone saying "i'm so embarrassed by my personal journal. all i do is write about me."
and if you compare your site to mine you will see how much less self-absorbed you are in comparison. someone can go to your site and relate to certain events you are going through or find fun in the many links and interesting gadgets you talk about. if they go to mine, all there is is well i don't really know, basically nothing, and if anything just me.
hmmm...self-absorbsion seems bad because people think of it as being selfish. you don't seem selfish. remember that you are writing posts more for your friends than yourself. you say you don't open up as much, like in reality. and when you do so here you think you sound self-absorbed. that makes complete sense. it's easier to be reserved in real life so that you make less mistakes. ...oh, i didn't really get where i wanted but that's enough on all that.
actually, thanks a lot for the compliment on my writing. i think it's the best one, actually second best, that i've ever gotten. it's funny because i should be most proud of that you said it was clear but more i am because of the part that you said on the surface it doesn't make sense but then it does. it's also funny because when i go back to reread my posts i realize that same thing. it's like, i don't let you in on a sentence's meaning until the next sentence. i can't read what i write like i can read most things. like, real easy, i know what they're saying and i know what they are going to say 5 sentences from now because of the sentence they chose here.
this all comes back to the first internal realization that i learned in life. basically, that the more effort the reader puts in to the book, the more he gets out of it and of course that is the same cliche we all know. so, you can easily dismiss my writing and it doesn't hurt anyone, but if you look harder you won't really find anything interesting except for that you now know what i was saying when before it didn't seem to make sense and that probably makes you feel good about yourself. i'm reminded of walden two. this psychologist and this i guess ditzy type girl went to breakfast together. he said something and he saw her start to give up thinking what he said unintelligable but then she laughed when she realized that it was just unintelligent. i'm not saying that any of this is good in the sense that like that's the way i want to write or that it's a better way. not at all. more, just, that's kind of what i do.
At 12:43 PM,
chad was marco said…
yeah, that makes total sense. actually, i think that i had something similar going through my head that same day after the trip. i wanted to post something but i wasn't comfortable posting it. it didn't concern any of you guys but it just would have sounded embarrassing. oh, actually, it was like, out of tune with reality but i wanted to hold on to the thought of it. it was like a dream of myself that i wouldn't dare yet think possible.
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