mood: conflicting - song: buckley, hallelujah

there's a difference between a young child raising his hand and has done it many times before and when a young child raises his hand because he thinks he finally knows an answer. the latter child is going to be much more sensitive to the forthcoming result. the first child props his raised arm in his other hand, and raising it seems a boring hassle. the second child uses his whole body to raise his hand and it almost seems as if it signifies victory. this child will likely never raise his hand again should his answer be deemed false. oh sad people.

oh people, is a phrase i've been using lately. i can't believe our conditions sometimes. our responses are barely alterable, too. i have no scorn.

the obvious question to my situation is how hard do i wish to try. what effort am i willing to put forth. i confuse my whole family because of what i'm doing and more because of what i'm not doing. why don't i just teach or find a different kind of job related to my major. i think it's because i know that i try harder when i'm not at work than when i am. i could settle and take a job and fall neatly into place in society. this future is drawing near. but i'm still holding out. might i arrive at a place better than the world i know, is my question as well. is there a place where schoolteachers aren't seen in bars and stripclubs.

maybe feeling unnatural is a good thing. i mean, it sucks, and it sucks that i think i've chosen a path where that's how it's going to feel a lot of the time. but feeling normal sucks too in different ways. it's just that those ways are understood. you have people to relate to when you lose your job or get the flu or aren't particularly intelligent.

anyway.

my last post made me happy. what is your favorite book? do you remember certain places from that book? certain scenes? are the places kind of like dreams when you think of them? in the sense that they're more of a feeling that can't be described. i never really cared for specific settings. i just like general ones. i skim specific descriptions. i already know where i want the characters to be and, as a side note, i hate when the author tells me something is on the left after i've been picturing it on the right. ha, this reminds me of when i'd be trying to fall asleep and i'd be picturing myself outside and i'd try to go through a door. i'd try over and over but i could never force myself into another setting. i'd always be outside if that's where i started the story. anyway, my last post created a place in my head that i can go to. there's not much there. it's just dark with a few characters. it's like a stage, a lot like dogville, which you should've watched. but there's a feeling and it's a definite place that's now in my memory. i can go there just like the freezing cold and snow in one scene of imajica, volume one i think, or the travelling forests of britain in mary stewart's merlin books or the wild caged fields of jurassic park. clive barker's books (including everville, great and secret show etc.) were extremely good at this. i especially like books that take place in a time that isn't present. it's an escape world that i'm looking for. this is why i have trouble with stephen king. i only love the eyes of the dragon. i can't get into his other books. i don't care about the present time. the dark tower books are alright, but i can't get into them because his characters are mostly from present era time periods. i don't especially like science fiction, magic and all, just the settings. my mind feels freed in these places and that's when it does its best work. i don't actively imagine a crop of trees here, a foothill there, i just let it come. these places are what makes reading special to me. what makes me gently kiss the front of a book before i lay it down to fall asleep.

so, anyway, it's nice that while i write i can also create one of these places and this is more important to me than if i ever publish anything. but somehow i think they'll coincide. as the places i create in my head become more and more to my liking i think my writing will show more passion and freedom and creativity. but like i've said many times before, it takes a certain mood and i'll need to get into a certain habit to be able to even begin to try. and this blog is the only thing i've ever done that seems like a step in the right direction for the life i want.