a dipsy-doodle around what they call writing

fuck, this sucks. the whole 'this is great no matter what because i don't get anxious any more' feeling is dying. it didn't last nearly as long as i expected. so now i'm just plain bored. i no longer can turn my mind to the kinds of things that while they messed me up, gave me an energy of a kind, although unnatural. or maybe i could still go there but i've trained myself not to. so now i'm just fuck bored.

i enjoy getting up and going to work. i enjoy work when it's busy. in the evenings it usually isn't. so i'm sitting here, feeling worse and worse. tightening up, starting to stress out, setting myself up for having a bad workout day. that's the other thing. i know as soon as i work out i'll feel much better. but then i'll go home at 10 or 10:30 and have absolutely nothing to do. so i work and work out and that's it. everything else is useless. i'm not eager to sustain any hobbies anymore. i don't put enough effort into hobbies. when i'm by myself i can't push myself to the next levels you need to reach in anything to keep enjoying it. i need competition, or more, i need other people so that i'll have how i look in their eyes to worry about. it's about the only thing that gets much out of me. it's the only time i'll go against what i naturally seem to be - someone who will always take the path of least resistance. to my mind that seems natural. but input other people and i'll impress, at least myself, with my results. so it's weird because i don't know how to act like myself around other people. it's better for everyone, i think, if i don't act like myself.

so, but anyway, i just hate when i feel this way. customers know just how to make me sicker when i feel shitty. heh, i seriously haven't had a problem like this since last time i posted about it. so that's good. i mean, i know things are good, but that's why i'm writing here now. i never feel like writing here unless things aren't good. right. anyway.

there's this xbox game by atari, indigo prophecy. it's more like a movie you watch. i'd probably be pretty excited to get back home and play that after lifting, but after 3 hours last night (game says it takes ~ 8 hours total), i saved and quit. then, i'm curious about this one part of the game where one character has this lady(witness) try to pick a computer generated image of this killer, who, incidentally, is the main character you play. anyway, i was the one that got to pick from the many different features

screw it, nevermind. it got busy between 6 and 7 and i feel better. point of that story was was that the menu screen was fucked up and led me to believe (after serious consideration of how it was worded) that my game wouldn't be erased if i chose to play that level again. in fact, the entire game disappeared. so, yeah.

alright, got to go lift and be bored

barry sanders, my morning jacket, leopards - those kinds of things

yeah, so, next time you catch yourself wishing for what must seem impossible dreams, catch yourself again and think, maybe i should look it up on ebay. just type in what you want and if you're as lucky as me, that impossible dream might come true. i didn't get that particular dvd advertised in that left-justified picture over there because that would just be like a 'you know what would be neat' kind of dream. instead, i found a four-hour dvd of barry sanders running the ball on game day that is taken directly from the fbi-warned nfl property only cbs/fox broadcast television view. so this guy taped these games and then transferred them over to a dvd. and the bestest most dreamed of but most unlooked for part was that he filtered every play to begin at the snap and end just after the tackle if it was a play that featured barry. so basically i get to see every time barry sanders touched the ball and broke a few tackles that day against the bears when he gained say just 80 yards or that day against the eagles when he eluded 8 tacklers but the play was called back because of a holding penalty, etc. so, even more basically, it's like i get to pretend he was on my team all those years and i got to study him and see what he was like every single fucking play. ahh

what do i like so much about barry sanders? i mean, there are other players with admirable characterstics: they could carry a guy into the endzone, they would run tacklers over with sheer heart, or had unbreakable concentration or ferocity, and on, but barry sanders had the freak reflexes of his brain being directly connected to his hips or something. it's all about how that chess guy i talked about and his fixed stance fights against the guy that feigned without moving. see, it's not that barry fakes one way, it's that he goes one way but somehow what is going one way for most running backs is going through three conscious decisions for him. say, for example, you want to step left. you think, step left, and you step left. he thinks, (this is all conjecture of course) begin phase one of stepping left, commence, begin phase two of stepping - oh shit! phase one go right phase two go right, etc.

oh man, i'm a fucking weirdo

so anyway, it's just great.

i can't quite say that about my morning jacket, however i just can't get the new cd out of my car cd player. i very much like it but it doesn't seem like a cd that will really stick with me but seems very important right now. i don't know. i'm just really starting to listen to music and this is kind of like a new category i get to make for cds. it used to be rudimentary, like 'like' or 'dislike'

begin phase one of ending post

note first paragraph

this is completely just a post on how i feel compared to how i used to feel. just a warning.

i think things are great. i think i don't have to write anything anymore because my thoughts seem to end now. a thought ending is the step to a different part of consciousness. i feel satisfied with my thought and i let it end. that feeling of satisfaction is a feeling of lightness. the feeling of gravity spread out properly.

it seems the common opinion of tension is that it is caused by mental stress. worries about work, relationships, etc. though of course people complain of foot aches and back aches from standing all day, but once they get home to relax they know how. many people don't know how to relax mentally, however. i don't think it's ever been the cause for me. i think mental tension is the effect of physically putting stress on my body.

but anyway, the whole point is that life has been so effortless lately. being outside seems three times as real as it had a year ago. things seem right, and i can't believe they ever didn't, and i know the problem was physical.

i don't know what people usually think about when they're driving their car, but i notice how i'm sitting, how i'm gripping the steering wheel, what pressure. i'm not a freak, this isn't all i think about, but i notice it. now i notice the difference. i've pulled the seat back some, for one thing.

i had to lose things i never imagined could be lost before i could really appreciate what i had and again have. enough concentration to not just read but 'get into' a book. an enough relaxed way about me to jump into a conversation i overhear. the awesome feeling of wanting to stay in bed instead of the feeling that staying there is more uncomfortable than just getting fucking up. so many things, all related to what i really think was my posture. i don't just mean how i stand up straight, i mean what muscles i use even while sitting, which i use to hold my head up, which i don't use, which are weak, problems with organs and pressure and because of what i eat and of course what i drink - all these problems i caused distracted me from being in a pleasant mental state. i know i know i go on and on but this is the last time i'm going to excuse myself like i'm doing in this sentence because i'm writing this only for me and because i need to be sure to not let this happen to me again and i need to know for sure what is going on and what was the problem. and neatly, as i see that happiness/concentration decreased as i did a certain thing, i can infer that i can now increase the happiness further than it ever was by seeing how real what i do can affect me. i see more clearly and with more desire how important health is to me, personally. i've never been an extremely healthy person, maybe i've been slightly above average, but i hope i don't stop progressing. i hope i don't reach where i used to be and become satisfied. i satisfy easily. and i change my mind easily. oh well.