note first paragraph

this is completely just a post on how i feel compared to how i used to feel. just a warning.

i think things are great. i think i don't have to write anything anymore because my thoughts seem to end now. a thought ending is the step to a different part of consciousness. i feel satisfied with my thought and i let it end. that feeling of satisfaction is a feeling of lightness. the feeling of gravity spread out properly.

it seems the common opinion of tension is that it is caused by mental stress. worries about work, relationships, etc. though of course people complain of foot aches and back aches from standing all day, but once they get home to relax they know how. many people don't know how to relax mentally, however. i don't think it's ever been the cause for me. i think mental tension is the effect of physically putting stress on my body.

but anyway, the whole point is that life has been so effortless lately. being outside seems three times as real as it had a year ago. things seem right, and i can't believe they ever didn't, and i know the problem was physical.

i don't know what people usually think about when they're driving their car, but i notice how i'm sitting, how i'm gripping the steering wheel, what pressure. i'm not a freak, this isn't all i think about, but i notice it. now i notice the difference. i've pulled the seat back some, for one thing.

i had to lose things i never imagined could be lost before i could really appreciate what i had and again have. enough concentration to not just read but 'get into' a book. an enough relaxed way about me to jump into a conversation i overhear. the awesome feeling of wanting to stay in bed instead of the feeling that staying there is more uncomfortable than just getting fucking up. so many things, all related to what i really think was my posture. i don't just mean how i stand up straight, i mean what muscles i use even while sitting, which i use to hold my head up, which i don't use, which are weak, problems with organs and pressure and because of what i eat and of course what i drink - all these problems i caused distracted me from being in a pleasant mental state. i know i know i go on and on but this is the last time i'm going to excuse myself like i'm doing in this sentence because i'm writing this only for me and because i need to be sure to not let this happen to me again and i need to know for sure what is going on and what was the problem. and neatly, as i see that happiness/concentration decreased as i did a certain thing, i can infer that i can now increase the happiness further than it ever was by seeing how real what i do can affect me. i see more clearly and with more desire how important health is to me, personally. i've never been an extremely healthy person, maybe i've been slightly above average, but i hope i don't stop progressing. i hope i don't reach where i used to be and become satisfied. i satisfy easily. and i change my mind easily. oh well.