a dipsy-doodle around what they call writing
fuck, this sucks. the whole 'this is great no matter what because i don't get anxious any more' feeling is dying. it didn't last nearly as long as i expected. so now i'm just plain bored. i no longer can turn my mind to the kinds of things that while they messed me up, gave me an energy of a kind, although unnatural. or maybe i could still go there but i've trained myself not to. so now i'm just fuck bored.
i enjoy getting up and going to work. i enjoy work when it's busy. in the evenings it usually isn't. so i'm sitting here, feeling worse and worse. tightening up, starting to stress out, setting myself up for having a bad workout day. that's the other thing. i know as soon as i work out i'll feel much better. but then i'll go home at 10 or 10:30 and have absolutely nothing to do. so i work and work out and that's it. everything else is useless. i'm not eager to sustain any hobbies anymore. i don't put enough effort into hobbies. when i'm by myself i can't push myself to the next levels you need to reach in anything to keep enjoying it. i need competition, or more, i need other people so that i'll have how i look in their eyes to worry about. it's about the only thing that gets much out of me. it's the only time i'll go against what i naturally seem to be - someone who will always take the path of least resistance. to my mind that seems natural. but input other people and i'll impress, at least myself, with my results. so it's weird because i don't know how to act like myself around other people. it's better for everyone, i think, if i don't act like myself.
so, but anyway, i just hate when i feel this way. customers know just how to make me sicker when i feel shitty. heh, i seriously haven't had a problem like this since last time i posted about it. so that's good. i mean, i know things are good, but that's why i'm writing here now. i never feel like writing here unless things aren't good. right. anyway.
there's this xbox game by atari, indigo prophecy. it's more like a movie you watch. i'd probably be pretty excited to get back home and play that after lifting, but after 3 hours last night (game says it takes ~ 8 hours total), i saved and quit. then, i'm curious about this one part of the game where one character has this lady(witness) try to pick a computer generated image of this killer, who, incidentally, is the main character you play. anyway, i was the one that got to pick from the many different features
screw it, nevermind. it got busy between 6 and 7 and i feel better. point of that story was was that the menu screen was fucked up and led me to believe (after serious consideration of how it was worded) that my game wouldn't be erased if i chose to play that level again. in fact, the entire game disappeared. so, yeah.
alright, got to go lift and be bored
i enjoy getting up and going to work. i enjoy work when it's busy. in the evenings it usually isn't. so i'm sitting here, feeling worse and worse. tightening up, starting to stress out, setting myself up for having a bad workout day. that's the other thing. i know as soon as i work out i'll feel much better. but then i'll go home at 10 or 10:30 and have absolutely nothing to do. so i work and work out and that's it. everything else is useless. i'm not eager to sustain any hobbies anymore. i don't put enough effort into hobbies. when i'm by myself i can't push myself to the next levels you need to reach in anything to keep enjoying it. i need competition, or more, i need other people so that i'll have how i look in their eyes to worry about. it's about the only thing that gets much out of me. it's the only time i'll go against what i naturally seem to be - someone who will always take the path of least resistance. to my mind that seems natural. but input other people and i'll impress, at least myself, with my results. so it's weird because i don't know how to act like myself around other people. it's better for everyone, i think, if i don't act like myself.
so, but anyway, i just hate when i feel this way. customers know just how to make me sicker when i feel shitty. heh, i seriously haven't had a problem like this since last time i posted about it. so that's good. i mean, i know things are good, but that's why i'm writing here now. i never feel like writing here unless things aren't good. right. anyway.
there's this xbox game by atari, indigo prophecy. it's more like a movie you watch. i'd probably be pretty excited to get back home and play that after lifting, but after 3 hours last night (game says it takes ~ 8 hours total), i saved and quit. then, i'm curious about this one part of the game where one character has this lady(witness) try to pick a computer generated image of this killer, who, incidentally, is the main character you play. anyway, i was the one that got to pick from the many different features
screw it, nevermind. it got busy between 6 and 7 and i feel better. point of that story was was that the menu screen was fucked up and led me to believe (after serious consideration of how it was worded) that my game wouldn't be erased if i chose to play that level again. in fact, the entire game disappeared. so, yeah.
alright, got to go lift and be bored
on a whim, chad was marco @ 5:56 PM
1 $BlogItemCommentCount$:
At 9:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry to hear the xbox/game screwed with you, i have heard of that happening alot with the 360 games.... O well
I was just here in the hospital, i'm on call for surgery, and thought i'd drop a line as having not conversed since i was incredibly tired after the steelers amazing victory, or expected but nontheless fufilling W. Anyway I just wanted to get a few thoughts out. I have recently found myself thinking at the most peculiar time, for instance in the middle of surgery, "what am I doing here" Then my mind will pull a 180 and think that it is by far the most interesting thing I have been a part of in recent memory. It will continue with "Could this be my carreer path?" But then I do a double take and say no this would become boring after having done it a few years. That then leads me to ponder what it is that I do that really makes me feel excited and thilled to be part of the experience.
Most everything bores me after a few go rounds. I wonder if the absence of thought and emotion that studying affords has left me somehow crippled in my ability to enjoy things i used to love... Videogames, going out for a few drinks, shooting the shit with some friends...sometimes i feel like an carbon copy of the everyday working man, going about my daily tasks forgetting to ponder their purpose and never stoping to think what goal i'm trying to achieve. I still am excited about medicine but more so in some far off idea than in a concrete sense. I think about the very real work hours, bitchy people, and unsatisfied customers that is the business world, and medicine, and find myself disgusted. In conclusion I want to become a doctor, put my enegy into this crusade after some holy grail like belief set on the mythos that is medicine yet continualy catch glimpses of the very real world around me. All the time losing sleep, sanity, crumbling walls of once solid personal opinions, and the passion for everyday tasks....sometimes is makes my head implode and I can sit without a thought in my head for a few miniutes before i regain a sting on conciousness and continue onward.
Enjoying the nonsensical thoughts that come with sleep deprivation,
Your friend in philly
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