spin?

oh. coincidence confirms the concept of fate because people say, 'it was just a coincidence'

ah. what else might it have been.

i guess we look for meaning in things. but why have that feeling when we teeter still wondering if just was it coincidence or not?

that feeling gives me justification that meaning is inherent. that meaning exists. or at least that the such for meaning is real.

we don't see a concept such as justice. but that doesn't mean it's not real.
why strip ourselves of meaning? if it's our first impulse to think it means something why do we look for a way for it not to mean something?
sometimes we don't like what it would mean, i suppose.

but the more we protect ourselves from meaning we don't want to accept, we might also be degrading meaning we want to believe in.

we're a pretty balancing species. we like thins like this equals this and that equals that and this equals that so this equals this and that and that equals that and this.

or, i was mean to him and then she was mean to me and so he'll be mean to her and it all works out karmetically

eye for an eye, treat others as we'd want to be treated.

so 'oh, that doesn't mean anything,' so, 'hmm, well i guess that might not mean anything'

it starts with our own denial.

what's so bad about the meaning we choose to ignore?

guilt and stubbornness?

we shouldn't have done that and we want to forget it and not be responsible?

i'm just over the age of becoming responsible. these things are naturally interesting to me

environmental issues fit neatly into this kind of thought.

it means something and it's something that's wrong. you can fix it. then, it means something, and yes, it means something that great.

me sleep

camp

a little girl splashed along a shiny, tar-black sidewalk up near the lake

flip-flop-flip-flop-flip-flop

she bent over awkwardly to scratch at a cut on her knee but then had to regained her step hurriedly before getting run over. she walked, pony-tail wagging back and forth. she walked, nose first, with the kind of confidence she wished she had when she wasn't just pretending that her parents weren't following along right behind her.

flip-flop-flip-flop-flip-

she saw her friend charles on the swings and tore off in that direction, indeed now forgetting really all about her parents' presence.

"Jessica!" her mother reacted. jessica didn't hear. her mother saw charles and realizing the situation, dropped it. there was no danger.

"Jessica," yelled charles, his voice piercing through the open park, as she came to a stop next to him. though it wasn't really a stop. all of her body parts continued to move. up on one leg then up on the other, both arms swinging and balancing.

"Come see what i have," he said excitedly and ran his self off towards his family's camp.

Jessica stumbled to accelerate, caught rocking in the opposite direction charles had taken off to.

"Wait!" she said, her eyes widening as if she were horribly worried - a look she'd picked up from her mother apparently.

Charles shot onto the path through the woods, freaking out a bunch of dark birds which fluttered out of the bushes.

Maybe later in life Jessica would grow to appreciate the lifeforce of the universe. decide to pay attention to its omens. maybe wear a lot of black. but being so young, all she knew was fear and surprise and that was how she reacted and when it was over it was as if it had never been, at least for the present.

All those birds Charles had scattered had taken off towards the sky as usual. but one of them stayed low to the ground. Jessica fell back as if shot. as she reached up to feel the scratch on her face she realized she had just screamed. she was shocked at the soft sensation of the bird's feathers on her face. shocked at its warmth that she had felt. but she didn't put the moment into those words, ideas. she just lied on her back looking at the clouds floating over the trees. she was a child and had too much energy to think. and not nearly enough doubt to begin to think about how if things are inherent they are true until proved false.

Jessica thought she heard a dog and her neck flung up from the ground in the direction of the noise. she didn't see one. however now she was up, forgetting everything except that she needed to run. and before she knew it she was off on the woods path towards charles' family's camp site.

He had tired of waiting for her and was drinking something red and surely full of sugar, looking down at his dad who was starting to make a fire.

Jessica stood looking around for a moment before letting herself into their camper, clanging the metal door behind her. Cat, charles' older sister sat on a bed reading a magazine her back propped against the curtains on the window.

"Need something?" Cat snarled.

"No." Jessica plopped herself down on the opposite bed and began swinging her feet so that they pounded against the side of the bed. She looked at Cat. Jessica admired her. she wished she was old enough to read magazines like the one Cat had. she'd pretended before, but she could never sit still long enough. Jessica didn't think about that. she just sat still, alternately looking out the window and at Cat's long hair. she got bored suddenly and began swinging her feet again.

"What are you reading?" she asked Cat

"Get out of here!"

For a split second the thick hatred in Cat's voice made Jessica cringe with sadness, her eyes almost filling with tears. but she recovered quickly and just simply stuck out her tongue and clanged the door on her way out.

She yelled for charles who was sitting in a folding chair, swinging his feet alternately, still watching his dad. he didn't pay any attention to her. his mother saw her though. she was peeling corn in the screen tent and thought she'd be nice by asking Jessica to help her. Jessica didn't want to but knew that she was supposed to help if asked, especially by strangers.

"Ok," she said half-heartedly and bent over beginning to zip open the screen.

"Jessica!" charles screamed, saving her. "I have to show you something!" and he ran past her down towards the creeks. Jessica ran after him the best she could almost jumping after him in her flip-flops. she managed her way eventually down through the dirt and stones to kneel down beside him. he was turning stones over at the edge of the creek.

"What are you doing?" she asked him.

Charles let out a long, exasperated grunt. "I just saw one this morning," he said through a clenched jaw, and moved his way out further into the water so that his ankles were immersed, still flipping rocks, now with more emphasis on splashing however.

"Jessica!" charles' mother was yelling down to her. "Your parents are here for you"

Jessica abandoned charles and walked slowly back up the hill, stepping carefully whenever she could so that the thick roots she targeted would press through her flip-flops and deep into the arch of her feet. it was like a massage, she felt.

Jessica saw her parents waiting for her in a car, her mother holding a small jacket out towards her.

"Let's go!"

Her father yelled.

see, anti-time caused the anomaly to get bigger in the past

...an odd day like this one. nothing odd happened, per se. but that's always the case when i have an odd day. just a break in habit.

i found myself liking to think about the statement: coincidence confirms the concept of fate. hmm, what confirms the concept of coincidence? hmm, the feeling of amazement? or is that the fate thing..

hmm, i still don't have much to roll with anymore here. but it's good to keep refreshing.

all ideas keep ending nicely and neatly. i thought i wanted that but..

take LOST for example. i hated it when there were so many loose ends the show needed to tie up that i could barely follow it. but, let some of them tie up and i enjoy the show less.

time to find some new questions?

nah, too soon. it might be a while actually. if you lift for six months and then don't lift again for five years, you'll still be way ahead of the game had you never lifted. same with patterns of memory. mechanisms. abilities.

hmm, but does it come back with the same ability and eagerness to advance? or is there a short window for that

so anyway, sven lindqvist writes in such a way that you can enjoy it a page at a time. i really love that. good for him. if i've ever wanted to copy an author...

but then you'd already've gathered..

from before. earlier posts. ?

yeah

hmm, maybe i'll go do the reading for now

there were trees and leaves and home

ah, a post

september brings great things

adam and i (it's 3:30) just conquered ernesto and his unfavorable forecast. he's left. back for dominica, i presume.

anthony just called. we reminisced. about something funny. you weren't involved. except nathan. he'd know. but overall, i wished you'd witnessed it.

any, uh, who.

get it done.

that's my new phase i'm gonna coin. get it done.

alright. so. isn't it weird that music evokes emotion. even if you never heard music in your life, you'd feel tension if you heard chopin's 'revolution'

it's a proven fact. from my logical brain

so we hiked out to our usual area, but a new spot, and fired up a fire and drank hoegaardens until we wished we had more, and spoke of man/woman relations and how that could be our base reference to experience and etc.

and really, jerad diamond and sven lindqvist are my favorite authors, though i discussed shawn's guy and what the future might hold

but though ernesto thundered, he barely rained at so early a time, and though there's cloud cover, there's little pour when trees and their leaves hold most moisture, and so fires can burn fine, and bo jackson under shirts can stay dry and whether you're old or not is no longer defined by your freshman to senior relationships, and so we're young until further notice.

one's friends can be another's vicariously

and knowing words can make things run smoothly

and knowing jesus can make things half-sighted