ladder, slide, ladder, slide

i just tried to reread the post below. if i didn't know what i was trying to say, i'd have no idea what the fuck i was saying. it's so confusing.

i remember, months after writing them, rereading my papers from college or long things i would write on scrap paper for no reason at all, and i'd realize that i had no idea what i had been trying to say.

but when it's fresh in my head i don't notice that i'm not making it clear, hah! it's almost like i just write encoded phrases that signal a corresponding meaning in my head. and so when i reread something right after i've written it, i don't recognize that what i wrote didn't say what i wanted to say, it just made me remember what i wanted to say.

basically, it's me not being a good writer.

and somehow though, i want to cling to that bad habit.

eh, whatever, as my cousin danny used to say



on to this:

actually, it's basically nothing. it's something that i want to remember but can't but seem to have resolved myself to just writing what it was concerning instead of what it was. but last night, it, for some reason, drunk and plus, hit me so hard this realization about why it is so important spiritually whether you believe in evolution or creationism. shawn said something about something at some point and it caused me to draw a linear line of thoughts making the significance of that said debate so clear. it was something concerning the idea that if it's evolution then we're not to blame for our faults. something like that but only in a specific situation maybe. i'll try sleeping on it.



anyway, maybe that had something to do with my (congratulations in order), selfless (though of course in a way very selfish) decision to go to church for the first time when i had been given leave to not go if i didn't want to. and let me tell you, i really really didn't want to go. it's been many months since i've remembered i had a problem with anxiety, and if you don't count easter service, it's been around 6 months since i've had any mental anguish at all. let me also tell you that i'd rather get beaten the fuck up than experience an anxiety attack, and the point is, i now only experience them at church, e.g., easter sunday.

but as my mental state is improving, easter sunday wasn't that bad. there were moments when i'd start to get light-headed and times when i'd have what seems right to describe as hot flashes (unless that can only be used for those menopausal). i woke up this sunday, father's day, in a sensitive mood, and realized that for the sake of my soul, i needed to go to church with my dad, no matter how much i feared it. it went better than it's gone since i first got the problem two or three or so years ago, but it wasn't perfect. still, i was completely relaxed for maybe half of it, and i probably haven't been completely relaxed for more than a minute or less in a row at church over the last few years. weirdly, the last two times i've gone, though both better than before, a new problem has arisen, that that i no longer can sing the hymns without almost passing out. something about matching the calm breathing patterns with everyone else in there.

it's almost like the good will aura at church is trying to heal me but i can't handle being healed all at once and so i have to tense up some and stop the process. in fact, the prayer i turned to this sunday was to ask god to heal me but please, in small doses.

well, everything's well. and how did i reward myself for doing something healthy like that? i drove to pittsburgh and got completely fucked up just like a good little alcoholic. too bad i don't like my alcohol like i like my healing, that being in small doses.

ok, later.

hopefully i'll remember the string of thoughts that had me so convinced that i understood the most primal ramifications of the creation vs evolution thing. i mean, i could outline the reasons that people say are the important things, but it was something about the feeling of truly understanding it. it was something weighty.

but the trick is the 'and plus' that i mentioned earlier that i did with drinking and that, in those times before, i've written down the thought process of other things i've felt i truly understood but then when i read it later, sober, i'd realize that it might not have been a different perspective with which i had seen the problem but rather just simply the deeper feeling that was the result of smoking. before, i've written down something that seemed so important but it turned out the next day that it was something about how matt kuhar and i like the resetting of strategy in hockey games when there are faceoffs. i understood that next day what i meant when writing it, but i also realized that i just couldn't access the feeling about it that made it seem so important. if anything, it was just like being a kid again and it was the feeling of seeing and understanding something simple and purely and without the desensitivity that comes with being older.

you die when you no longer have any senses.

ok, so, what i'm saying is, it was probably nothing.

thanks