....

a cigarette, outside, at night. a pretty boring, thoughtless night. then, some thought. it started with the normal humdrum about never having any ideas as a youngster about what i would be around this time of my life. hmm, that absense of idea kind of proving itself true perhaps? i am somewhat nothing. and then a thought; an old, recurring one, about me being satisfied had i just been born ages ago and just grown up on a farm, tended said farm, and taught my kids to tend said farm. you know, the kids of the first civilizations probably didn't read histories about browse and pick food societies and wish that they could have grown up suchly. but here i am, this modern day, wishing for an historical past, if you can forgive the redundancy.

so what's the difference in this modern day? i find i have wishes that are not particularly my own. i feel i've been bred to disire greatness. as if a human living and creating life is no longer to be deemed great. i'm to dream of being the star quarterback or the juxtaposing riddlest. a romantic at heart and a bear in the business realm. my society seems to say to be these things. is it for the survival of the human race, or the survival of my particular society that i'm given these dreams to strive for?

my best understanding of why civilizations were first formed was for the protection of the seeds which those joining the civilization had sewn. no sense planting a farm to have it harvested by a ragged group of marauders. not that i'm blaming the marauders for doing so, i just feel that once i've put forth the effort to grow food, i should own it. human civilization 101.

eventually, though, the maruaders banged their bullish heads against horse-mounted steel, and were forced to fall in stride, or stirrup, if you will forgive me. and now, we've jumped, though a relatively slow jump, to A.P. human civilizations. there then became many groups of farmers and herders. it could have ended there, couldn't have it? we'd taken a step closer to demanding life, and it was a large one. but, oh, what power we'd created, we'd contrived.

sure, things were well, but hmm, couldn't they be even a bit better? what stopped us from just surviving, when we could rule our lives as we'd previously been ruled by the thunder and the sun? we learned of power and ruthlessness from nature herself. she'd struck us down and we'd now do upon ourselves the same.

but lightening strikes fiercefully in order to return a balance to the clouds. why then, did humans strike? did farming, hence hoarding and coveting, create an imbalance? are we doomed if so, and if lightening strikes all the more thunderously from the greater the imbalance, will we stike down ourselves to extinction through thousands of years of mounting power as if like dark, gathering clouds?

but just dark thoughts on this black night spent reclining in front of a tv and snapping at a keyboard. just a dreary, dreamful aside, most likely the result of a lack of right dreaming as a child, or rather, more rationally, from a few drinks and a lack of distraction. or are my rationalizations daring a little too far and coming too wryfully close to the truth, as if in satanic jest?

ah, the questions mount, eh, fair listener?

mm, but how fair are you? have you become one that has decided that you will conform your dreams to society or that society should conform to your dreams? that is my main thought this evening. it may be two thoughts; it may be too philosophical or perhaps humdrum for you at the moment. but at my moment, where i'm back out to relight another time, i'm still quite comfortable in the darkness, although i now realize that's what it is. creature of habit i suppose. stay out in the cold for too many eons, you just might become cold-blooded. the dinosaurs did.