so as to not disappear, a post i'd saved a few days ago as draft

i don't have anything to think about anymore. my mind's as stress free as a brand new piece of cherry furniture, as it weren't. but hey, no panic on the rides home anymore. i had a few scary heartbeats the other day when on my way to the hair-styler's (it's another place where you're trapped. you can't stop them mid-haircut, you know?), but it passed after a few seconds. so i'm here where i make some mistakes, but when i'm not making any, i'm thoroughly happy. the best part is having my concentration back.

so now i'm thinking that despite fears, which i'd begun to believe that everything i feared must be true, i didn't create pain to distract myself from anything. just, the pain was distracting my from being able to concentrate. and the pain came from apathy. i physically and dramatically notice tension in my neck easing as the tension and weight of being is now being taken care of in muscles more apt to deal with it.

so, here's what i'm doing with my renewed focus. i think shawn inadvertenly presented me with a challenge a few weeks ago (maybe it was someone else though). he was playing San Andreas and mentioned that he didn't think you were supposed to learn the streets in the game because there were so many and it was impossible. at the time i thought that that was kind of cool because it would be more like you were in that city and had no idea how to get around and had to use a map, etc. i'd tried playing the game a couple of times since i bought it but couldn't really 'get into it.'

but so i woke up one morning and realized that if i really wanted to 'get into it,' i'd have to 'get into it.' so, instead of stealing a car and drive around looking for a better car until i accidentally hit a cop and then, him shooting, forces my (gun in) hand to become, as the rap goes, a cop killing machine (the word 'machine' added for cool effect), and then spend 10 minutes eluding, i, (way back) instead, got my lazy ass up onto a bmx and started riding around the block and then blocks and then blocks working on memorization. knowing exactly how to get where you want without having to use the map and blips allows for much more fun and creativity in this game. so, i didn't start playing the game and just allow it to take me for the ride. i put effort into it, as i used to as a child, or as a man that was able to concentrate, as i am again now. point is, things are looking good.