NEGATIVITY

not quite overwhelming, but it's so clearly frustration. if it were overwhelming i would cope with it by doing something. instead, it festers. i sit, clenching.

there's only this one thing that ever happens to me that makes me think i'm abnormal. it's a feeling, basically. it's the weirdest feeling. it's the strongest feeling. it doesn't do anything but when i close my eyes i see the texture of 'rough.' bear with the vagueness. i've never tried to write about this. it's the oddest thing and i have no idea what it is or how to describe it, but it's palpable - i've sat consciously with it before but couldn't learn much about it. it's so, almost primal, but not really. it almost seems like how it would feel if i was a puppet and the man just stuck his hand in me. or that i'm a windup toy, and i can feel it as they twist the rod within me.

definitely there's a vision to it. the feeling's very rare and usually is only there before during or after i sleep. when it's before i usually play with it. i induce it. i try to control it. i try to figure it out. it's definitely tension. it feels like rawness. it feels like there's a knife in my shoulder. it feels like there's a rock in my spine.

all of this isn't that important. it's just a feeling. a very strong feeling and i don't know of what, but it seems more bad than good. but maybe it only seems bad because i fight it. it's odd that i think i fight it when as i've said i encourage it. but it might be like if i tried to swallow a pill and then, getting scared i lock my throat and the pill sticks and becomes a thick pain and then i can't cough it up and it won't go down and so i just fiddle with it like people do when they keep tonguing an ulcer in their mouth. it's so painful but not overwhelmingly so. it's like when my shoulder is stiff and i don't have the patience to work it out properly and so i flex it harder, as hard as i can, and then i strain it and it hurts more than at first and i keep fucking messing with it. maybe it's like that. i don't know

oh, but the weirdest thing is that it's associated with the only two times i sleepwalked/was up adn was aware of being up but was basically unconscious otherwise. unconsciouness aside i was very aware of my situation - it was one i wanted out of. also, i consciously went around trying to get out of it. so i wasn't unconscious, but it was like my mind was so muddled - it was still sleeping - it was like when you're confronted with a problem in a dream and all you can think about is the problem and you know you need to flip a switch and think from a different, fresh part of your brain but you can't. you just dwell. same feeling, in a way, when you want to run but can't.

so, and i just want to think and write about the two separate experiences, so again, mind me that i'm pretending to write to you, being that i'm writing this and publishing it (although that is still undecided, but it helps if i think i'm going to). so the first time i was very young and i walked down my stairs and i turned on the tv. oh, more's coming back, but it's like second hand experience because i'm remembering how i described it before and it might be skewed. but, i sat on the couch trying to watch some kind of saturday cartoon, but i remember i was still carrying out a dream. it was a very frustrating dream. it was like that very old, simple, video game where you shoot missles at other missles that are landing on your 'city.' so in the dream things were falling and i was going back and forth trying to save everything but knew i couldn't. i tried walking around my house restlessly (no one else was up ~ 7:00am) trying to make it go away. i tried sitting in different places but it was really mostly mindless movements. i was helpless and frustrated.

the other time was during a sleepover at a friend's. there was no symbolic dream - just the familiar feeling and the dazed walking around hoping it would go away. i walked up the strange stairs in his house. no one else was up. i wandered. i was partially possessed. hypnotized. looking for something to snap me out of it. the thing was, i never 'snapped' out of it either time. it gradually went away, like coming down from a high. i don't remember having resulting lingering feelings the rest of either of those days. i don't think. the second time, i ended the feeling by engaging my mind in a video game. maybe i've been doing that ever since?

anyway, if i've ever been abducted by aliens, it was right before those two instances.

so, the feeling associated with those instances is the closest feeling to the one i have in frequently before i go to bed. the weirdest part about it is the texture that i see. it's always a vision of the same rough road or hard metal. it's like my body is deeply asleep and can't be moved but my brain is up and wants to move me. it's like trying to break free from handcuffs by pulling your arms apart. it's like that moment after you accept the beginning pain and you start to feel the raw pain - the pain that means damage. it's like i can't break free. i won't go any further, but i still want to go further i just can't right then and so i hold the worse pain hoping i'll get used to it and will then be able to pull harder. it's like the martial arts type guy that punches a wall over and over every day. it's the chinese torture of having someone comb your hair roughly and in the same place over and over and over and you don't complain because, what? you're going to say, 'ouch, ma'am, i'm the kind of guy that thinks having his hair combed hurts'

anyway.


sometimes i think thinking positively is the cruelest thing i do to myself. i might have a 'moment of weakness' and think 'i need to do this or that or change,' but then i tell myself that i'm just thinking negatively and i know that once i get my fix (exercise) that i'll feel fine about my current situation. maybe i shouldn't feel fine. i distract myself with entertainment, with babbling, with exercise.

something still seems wrong though. and i'm not too worried about it, contradictorily to this post. it just seems like 25 is too old to not be doing anything. but not in this era maybe. i've always had to be forced, sadly. but it will happen.

i just have no dreams. i don't think it would be nice to live at the beach. i don't think it would be fun to have any job in the world. i like the regular work routine more than vacations like christmas. these things are kind of sickening.

but, otherwise i wouldn't write anything here. sorry that the more abundant happiness things in my life don't end up here. it's just, i don't have the patience to sit and write when i'm happy and excited and energetic.

thing is, the first time i tried writing, i was maybe in middle school and i was excited and i started writing and my heart started pounding and i loved it but i didn't have the patience and the instant i got stuck i quit and probably played a video game and i never tried writing again. not real writing. not creating. just this. thinking out loud. droning. getting through. talking myself into a daze. losing

alright. bye