Like Above

i think i often mistake revelations for proof of failure.

hmm, this seems more than just a little true. currently i can see it in chess and in weight-lifting. it's happened before, in many things, piano for example. once it's clear what i need to do, is when i usually give up. this time i don't think it's going to happen though.

it's because i see how to do it right and instead of being happy that there's now a visible plan, i get upset at how i've been doing it so wrong for so long. i fear that i have grown such bad habits that i'll never be able to turn it around. all that seems more clear to me is how wrong i've been.

but i think i understand it this time. i'll hopefully just keep doing what i'm doing because even though i know it's not right, i know that what is right gets closer and closer each time.

i wake with a feeling and i know that i can feel the right way to bench for example. but by the time i've worked all day adn once adrenaline pumps and i get weight in my hands, the right form disappears.

it's like i prefer floundering around pretending there isn't a right way. i don't want a formular or it seems like my uniqueness is taken away, or like i realize my potential - and as i get closer and closer to seeing what i'm capable of, i get more and more disappointed. apparently i thought i was going to be a lot better than that.

my dreams have always been too big. once i realize this with each thing, with each hobby and skill, i usually quit the thing and look for something else. this is the kind of thing that i should tell a job interview when they ask for a negative trait - if i was to tell the truth.