a last bit of sickness from the weekend the steelers won the super bowl

tragedy is taking a pessimistic view. tragedy increases as circumstances make holding the pessimistic view more and more unrealistic and irrational.

i heard an old couple saying today about how they're too old to give each other a hard time anymore. i don't know. i don't think there's a good reason to do much in life. most things people do aren't worth anything. people manipulate each other into doing things like this. and if you want to be good at useless things, you need to create a way to motivate yourself to do them for some reason. you might get jane from accounting if you get that promotion, etc.

succeed in capitalism and it will reward you with sex and love, eh?

that old couple? they don't argue anymore.

then again, my job knows what's best for me. i like myself when i'm at work, after work, before work. i get a strong taste of what i used to be like once i come back to work after a four day weekend like this last - where i sleep on floors and drink entire days. there's so much hesitation. then there's explanation for the hesitation. the explanation always carries within it an excuse for not acting.

interacting with people is a weird thing. people are a weird thing to the contemplative brain. introspective thinking can only work with what's already there. it can't understand what isn't there. interacting with people is non-simulatable (that might be the favorite word i've ever used/made up. just rolls off the tongue) to a person that is thinking.

when two people start to interact, it's like a ball of energy appears in between them. then, the two people start to play around with the ball, tugging it back and forth, flipping it high into the air, hiding it behind their backs. i'm good at all of these games (relatively) when i'm who i am at work. it's fun.

when i get back to work after four days off of smoking apples and mario kart double dash/bacardi O, i'm ashamed or something and i want to hide from almost everyone's games. about the only thing i can do is talk to this old guy about sports facts or sum up other people's opinions on sports.

my introverted personality waits for a miracle. good feelings are so vaguely distant that you have to come up with an extravagant miracle to feel anything. what you really feel is the same feeling that my extroverted personality feels when thinking about the recent exchange with the lady at the drive-through or the dog at shulie's house. extroverted-man commits miracles at ease.

i like all of my selves but i'm not sure if some of them have to disappear or not.

i have all of the answers even if the answer is 'don't worry' when i'm happy. that makes it hard to write. i only like to write about things i don't know for sure. happiness guy doesn't worry about things like that. he's too busy using his energy to smile and to stay prepared for the next interaction. he wouldn't get curiously anxious about what it means that that old couple doesn't give each other a hard time anymore. he'd think, 'well, that sounds just about right.'