i guess it's true

on page 393 of a million little pieces you will find the words, 'There is no awkwardness and no anxiety. Miles is in his World and i am in mine. We just sit.' yeah, i know, i've been harping on this for the last few years now. i think it's just because i couldn't believe that what i experienced was true. but yeah, it definitely is, for whatever reason. i mean we all know how hard it is to define an emotion. a feeling. what is happiness, right. by the time we understand how to ask that question, we've already experienced happiness. we don't know what happiness isn't. but, what is being drunk. what is being stoned like. what is anxiety? for some fucked up reason, possibly to do with kinds of areas in the brain that are activated, i can't seem to believe that novel feelings that i've had recently, like anxiety, are possibly similar to what other people call anxiety, etc. however, i've never questioned whether happiness is a feeling that is shared among humans. more, it's like, 'this is a new feeling,' how in the hell do i know what it is, or should be called, labelled as. it took a few years, but it turns out that i know what it is now. by reading into other peoples' ways of explaining it, yeah, i guess that's how i feel, too. i finally believe it. also, i think a good reason for me not wanting to accept that this is what the feeling, the event, is, is that it would mean admitting my failure. or rather, my ability to handle failure. or ratherer, my inability. (BAM!) just like whatever you talk about, i can tell if i'll like you by how you talk about it, i can tell things about me no matter what i do. i see how i get into a downward spiral mentally by looking at my faults in how i weightlift for example. instead of going the healthy route of falling down and then getting back up again, i'm more, brace against the pressure and slowly, slowly get crushed under it. there's never any time for relief. there's no breathing room. but anyway, the way i'm approaching everything is changing now. (and there's always the question of the chicken and the egg)

so, it's all coming back to me. and its coming back is the proof that it left. why? i have theories. obviously. but they're always in progress.


NEW POST

i was watching msnbc where there was some guy with a pink bow-tie?? people might know him. and he was interviewing the (i believe) former canadian prime minister? and they discussed, seriously, for the first time i've ever heard of, as if we should start to consider, and made me a little freaked out, that there is good evidence for aliens and that there's a good chance that bush is preparing for intergalactic warfare (hahaha). i kept waiting for the bow-tie guy to show some kind of smirk so i'd know that he felt that he was discussing a rediculous issue, but, nope. they talked about it seriously. what up with this? anyone hear of it? are we building a frontal base on the moon to protect us from these aliens 'buzzing' around our planet?

anyway. it struck me as odd, me, driving down the boulevard in altoona, that Wendy's large, stick-out there, sign, said 'Happy Birthday Jesus'

the more i thought about it the less it bothered me, but it struck me as odd.