where am i?

i don't know if it was because i was reading about christopher being sick (from the curious dog book) but reading this paragraph blew my head up, as it were. i was forced to make an audible sound and shut the book immediately. i felt a flash of paranoia? but my heart didn't pound or anything. i am slightly afraid to read it again but it might help if i write it. i'm very sure that i will feel very silly after putting it here, but it was a weird feeling like i've never felt before almost like when you see a person from behind but then they turn around and have a mask on and you don't know what's real for a second. but, let's write it down.

(it's not going to be what was said as much as what it triggered.)



But the mind is just a complicated machine.

And when we look at things we think we're just looking out of our eyes like we're looking out of little windows and there's a person inside our head, but we're not. We're looking at a screen inside our heads, like a computer screen.




ok, well, i got the feeling again, more vaguely. i'm glad of both in a way. now that it's faded i'm going to try to bring it back with some control hopefully.

eww, i got it again. it's there. it causes a detachment from what i normally feel like. i'm going to try to think my way back to it but with my eyes closed this time.

hmm, now it's getting complicated. either the feeling's fading more. or with my eyes closed the feeling's more vague. or i'm forcing something that isn't quite the same. or i sensed that i thought that it would be less powerful with my eyes closed right as i closed them and so i may have prepared some kind of defense which clouded the feeling.

this is all important to me because i feel so strongly that i reside in my head. when i'm told i don't feeling rises from my heart and chest. this is possible or is how i'm rationalizing it and both and is what i'll believe for now. it fits in with how i rationalize every thing else. and to be clear, rationalizing doesn't just mean making me feel better. i try very hard to be fair and equal and just and when the rationalizations turn sour i still accept them. now, of course i don't want to kill myself so i might not let in the most profound mysteries yet but; due time.

here's other thoughts on that feeling i got from the book.

the feeling presented an opportunity for me to change immediately. i could have held on to the new feeling and really from then on perceived the world differently. this is too hard for me to do. so, i let the feeling go away. then i try to simulate the experience so that i have some control and so that i can manipulate the feeling. this may be bad. i may use the new feeling to allow new thoughts to arise in my head but haven't allowed it to really change me. this may be good. i won't put a definite deduction on this. but i will keep it in mind so that if later in life someone puts it to me in a way i let myself understand, i will know what i did now and why. i'll be able to say, 'well, that's why i did it and i forgive myself and would have done it again at that time,' if it turns out to have been the wrong decision and all that. of course, this may be the way it is supposed to work, so good then. there was at least one other option but i forget it now. i don't presume so but it's fun to imagine that the one i'm forgetting was something to do with exactly what i'm doing or was to do with the thing that i want to hide from and etc. etc. and so the mind really is very complicated