probably i should be talking in the first person
it's funny that i've never given a second thought to it when my aspirations change. i simply have new wishes. all that seemed to matter a few months ago is replaced now. what i couldn't see myself not doing is now not being done. my transitional phases seems lightening fast. everything is so much better. dreams are better. what couldn't occur to me before constantly occurs to me now. thoughts about doing. doing things about thoughts. when you don't do anything there's lots more to think about.
but a song from rufus wainwright says something like, 'thank you for this bitter knowledge, it makes you hard but it was worth it.'
being hard isn't worth it. it's pathetic. but the realization of that is what's worth it. if life is cyclical, that's the only part of my life that i ever wouldn't want to repeat. it's tough, though, to accept that all you've learned is that you were wrong. it's tough to accept that very little good came from it. it's tough that a part of life is the wasting of it. especially when you rationalize it all along the way, assuring yourself that, although it doesn't seem like it, you're getting somewhere with what you're doing. sometimes it isn't the right thing to do - to console yourself. to accept failure.
what a magickal world it is - denial. that world isn't ruled by the physical laws. you get to make up what's right and wrong.
but a song from rufus wainwright says something like, 'thank you for this bitter knowledge, it makes you hard but it was worth it.'
being hard isn't worth it. it's pathetic. but the realization of that is what's worth it. if life is cyclical, that's the only part of my life that i ever wouldn't want to repeat. it's tough, though, to accept that all you've learned is that you were wrong. it's tough to accept that very little good came from it. it's tough that a part of life is the wasting of it. especially when you rationalize it all along the way, assuring yourself that, although it doesn't seem like it, you're getting somewhere with what you're doing. sometimes it isn't the right thing to do - to console yourself. to accept failure.
what a magickal world it is - denial. that world isn't ruled by the physical laws. you get to make up what's right and wrong.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 2:30 PM
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At 9:20 AM,
ClickNathan said…
I'm always looking at people like Bob Dylan or Kerouac or various other people who might make my "admired" list and thinking "Shit, well what if I don't end up doing something as monumental and I've already planned - what should I do? Should I right now realize that I'll probably never be a world reknowned writer or whatever and just accept that and move on to making other things important in my life, or should I keep struggling?"
Because it was always very important to me that I become famous or not even famous but be somehow known for some great work that I did, even if it's just on a cult sense. But lately I've been thinking that it's more important for me to be happy in the very present moment. Content with being a father and doing it my own way and being successful at living life how I see fit even if it doesn't mean that I'm always looked at 100% favorably in my family's eyes or if I'm not 100% happy with who I am in my own head, just as long as I'm continually struggling to be what I want to be.
Hmm. Well that answered that question. Too bad I won't be able to remember this all tomorrow or even in five minutes as my head is continually deciding that one or the other extreme is the right way to go but oh well, anyway, time to enter the secret word verification code.
At 2:27 PM,
chad was marco said…
haha, yeah, i know what you mean. i'd just keep the wishfulness alive in your head until time changes it completely. or changes it so that it makes fame more probable. but i realize this doesn't do anything for you if you're trying to make the decision to go for it or not. hmm, i think i'll leave you to your problems.
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