and he goes on and on with all this
ah, boredom. my replacement of insanity. when you feel insane there is not a doubt in your mind that you would choose boredom if you could. but after you've been bored for enough days...
new paragraph.
you don't know you're going insane. it doesn't start out that way. your mind starts to imagine patterns everywhere. your brain, once a solid oval of connected signals, begins shooting out pathways that more resemble the ends of tree branches. and the worst of it is that your brain begins to get used to following those paths that strike out far but never cross over another path. things get hazy. your once normal, vibrant pathways begin to shrink in importance and you don't know if eating lunch is more important than going to work.
but boredom. you look around with that look on your fist like it wants to punch the monitor in the mouth. you walk around an empty store snarling at rocking chairs and comtemplate leaning against the wall in order to stand on your head. the phone rings and you're fancy polite, then you hang up finishing your cordial, 'see you later,' with a 'you mother fucker,' that they don't hear. you start to wonder if this is how it started before, back then.
craziness is still just a closed, unlocked door or two away in my mind. i glimpse what it was like from time to time and for an awkward second consider looking back through the keyhole. those seconds have been getting fewer and the glimpses are occuring less often. that is one of many ways that i know i'm getting better.
now, after some time, i'm realizing that i certainly was never badly depressed. it makes much more sense to say that i was going crazy. i never for a second despaired for my future. i wouldn't even call it faith i had such a strong knowledge that i would get better. but at the time i had no boundaries at all. i looked at things and they'd never change. but everytime i looked i'd look differently. everytime i looked at them, i changed. i had a thousand perspectives and every few seconds a wheel would spin and my stance would change.
ah, partial insanity, the most important experience of my life. how boring.
new paragraph.
you don't know you're going insane. it doesn't start out that way. your mind starts to imagine patterns everywhere. your brain, once a solid oval of connected signals, begins shooting out pathways that more resemble the ends of tree branches. and the worst of it is that your brain begins to get used to following those paths that strike out far but never cross over another path. things get hazy. your once normal, vibrant pathways begin to shrink in importance and you don't know if eating lunch is more important than going to work.
but boredom. you look around with that look on your fist like it wants to punch the monitor in the mouth. you walk around an empty store snarling at rocking chairs and comtemplate leaning against the wall in order to stand on your head. the phone rings and you're fancy polite, then you hang up finishing your cordial, 'see you later,' with a 'you mother fucker,' that they don't hear. you start to wonder if this is how it started before, back then.
craziness is still just a closed, unlocked door or two away in my mind. i glimpse what it was like from time to time and for an awkward second consider looking back through the keyhole. those seconds have been getting fewer and the glimpses are occuring less often. that is one of many ways that i know i'm getting better.
now, after some time, i'm realizing that i certainly was never badly depressed. it makes much more sense to say that i was going crazy. i never for a second despaired for my future. i wouldn't even call it faith i had such a strong knowledge that i would get better. but at the time i had no boundaries at all. i looked at things and they'd never change. but everytime i looked i'd look differently. everytime i looked at them, i changed. i had a thousand perspectives and every few seconds a wheel would spin and my stance would change.
ah, partial insanity, the most important experience of my life. how boring.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 5:08 PM
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