6:00 and there's nothing

nothing

anyway, i walked into the room and he was sitting there, staring. i had to wave my hand to get his attention. he looked towards me, wasn't startled, scratched his ear. i said, 'i've got those keys for that '05 Honda.' i materialized the keys opening my palm. they fell and dangled from my finger and the key-ring. he stood up and at the same time everything all of the sudden seemed ok. he was taking the keys from me and we were walking casually down the clean hallway. we went outside the dealership and approached the prospective car. with a professional smile i prepared to set foot in the passenger side when everything all of the sudden didn't seem ok. he had paused at the passenger side headlight and now was squating down looking at the area just above the driver's side wheel. i struggled to find something casual to say. instead, he said something. i don't really remember what it was exactly because i couldn't really follow him, but he seemed completely immersed in it. but right as i was feeling fairly uncomfortable, he laughed and scratched his ear and everything seemed ok again. we got into the car and i started hamming it up about the Bose cd player and the V6 power and he seemed quite excited about it all. we took off for the usual test drive route. for some reason i found myself telling him all about some of my personal problems. my kids and how they seemed to be turning out exactly the opposite of how i'd tried to raise them and not really in a bad way but in the way that i wished i had been different. and then i told him about how my wife left me and how i was barely getting by with this job. at that point he laughed and said, 'well, i can't promise i can help you there.' and we both laughed, but then things started to not seem ok again. i didn't feel professional anymore. i didn't know how to continue with this guy. there were no guidlines to follow; following them wouldn't be effective with this guy; i was certain. i felt lonely. then i looked over at him and i think i was going to say something, but right then he gunned it and said something short and exciting. we took some curves challenging the machine's limit with the radio blasting. he wound down the windows and he scratched his ear and looked at me and i saw his white teeth in a smile.

i've had dreams about that smile now for years. sometimes they're good dreams, sometimes they're nightmares. nothing's really changed since that day. i still have my kids; i still don't have my wife. i still go to my job and eat my meals and watch my tv. nothing's really changed since then, but i feel completely lost. i don't remember what i used to be thinking when i drove my kids to school or when i woke up and got into the shower. i don't remember what i used to be thinking, but it seemed like something comforting, something repititious, something 'home.' i don't remember but most of the time i want it back. i pray to god that i could just get it back. i hate this openness. i hate this feeling that i'm floating out in the middle of the ocean. i hate that i don't have any idea what i am going to feel like at any time. i hate this 'freedom' of mind. most of the time.

6:00 and there's nothing. nothing at all.