What's Funny

well, life's back to normal. normal being life four years ago or so. there're constantly good or better options for spending my time everywhere i look. the desperate, drastic, hanging-on i felt before used to spurn me on. my mind at least. i really feel i understand a lot of things i didn't even know about, ways my mind works, but i'll have to wait and see, such is life in this realm with all its arm-crossed need for patience.

so, normal. i went to the mall today. walked around. slowly. causually. without anxiety. ate with my friend. had conversation. no worry. no loss of focus or concentration. [actually there was one brief second where i realized that i hadn't become anxious. it went right away, too. such is this new (normal) state of mind.] noticed my car was slightly damaged. recognized more lengthy patterns in life. drove around the same block a few times. raised the alarm of some locals. sickened my stomach with a krispy kreme kind of original kreme milk creme or some shit. it still sits here next to me still with its whipped topping. wishing for the day to end. wishing i didn't have to work out. wondering why i wish that i didn't have to do things that make me feel better. wishing i could play chess and read books and make movies and listen to music and talk about steven A. smith and laugh about people. knowing that life's going to get harder and hardening myself so that i don't go back there again. back there where i say there was never anything but there was everything just differently. back there where house of leaves was a direct warning to me and not just a curious book. back where songs spoke of my own unconscious thus bringing it up in my attention. where i didn't understand how people could be normal. where normal seemed amazing and i couldn't understand how it couldn't seem so. but now, i'll spin in my seat and whistle to boredom deciding, maybe i should do my job, maybe