Definitely a weight off my shoulders

I bought a million little pieces, a biography of a drug addict getting clean and experiencing pain and suffering. it relaxed me, like a drug of its own. my heart pounded when he wrote of his pain. he wrote with quickness, immediacy, in definites. that's how pain is. he wrote just as quickly, just as immediately but with vagueness. that's how anxiety is. i'm not even a third of the way through, but, i don't know, it's exactly what i needed right then, that time of my life, yesterday. and this morning, too. and, for sure, tonight. my pain, of course, never'd matched up to his, but mentally, i foresaw that road. it's so odd, especially when you're getting much better, that you feel so strongly that you just want to get fucked up. but anyway, certain things he describes, *sigh* *weight off my shoulders* i feel like i can forget that part of my life now. i used to try to tell anyone that listened, but, at best, they could only shake their head and agree. what i needed was this (and the much more focused, calm mental state i've acquired). and james frey gave it to me. someone else has told me, now, and, many times, in my own exact words, that yes, that is how it is. that's what it is. nothing registers. the feeling i began to get when i looked at clocks i thought of as an omen. so many times i looked at them. but i'd forgotten why. they held no meaning. i'd see numbers and that was all. as days went by meaning faded more and more and more. when i looked at clocks, nothing registered. when i looked at tv, nothing registered. when i looked at people's heads in front of me in classes, nothing registered. i'd realize nothing registered. i'd start to sweat and for the last ten minutes of most classes i'd have to fight the urge to get up and casually walk out of the room. the only way i fought off the anxiety was that i'd realize that i could go, and to little fuss. so i'd calm slightly and be able to stay. but this is where my problems came in churches, during weddings, on theme park rides, etc. there was nowhere to go. i never had really thought of that before. what if i was on an airplane and i got the feeling. i don't know if i'll be able to go on one next time. even to this day, when i feel so much better. cars with people. that one sucks. sucks bad. pull over please, mom, i'm freaking out, you know. well, at least i can call it claustrophobia. if i can call any weak problem i have a disease, i might make it.

well, for the first time in years, i read last night. i stayed up later. i was absorbed. i could relate. i've not been able to relate to fiction anymore, because i don't really have any dreams anymore. i try to relate to philosophers or literary geniuses, but i can't focus enough anymore. but i can focus on this. now that i've found it i can get my fill. it's already a huge weight off my shoulders. and i mean this very literaly. old muscles that held my neck up were stimulated. if i moved my shoulders, as i read on my stomach in bed, they'd crack. my knees popped. my center of gravity shifted severely, just last night. now, a lot of this was facilitated and possibly catalyzed by my recent workout regimine. but not a lot of it. not my neck. my head weighs a million pounds and i swear it's filled with fluid and my nasal passages feel nearly blocked like an clogged artery. making myself better is to notice what's wrong. once i do, it's hard to believe that the problem is really there. how can a body dismiss it? but it does. anyway, i just hope i don't have to go to the dentist soon. apparently, that's lots worse than rehab or dying from an overdose.