why can't i hear out of my mouth
hahaha. i'm very happy. i didn't even realize it until after i wrote the title. i think i just took the first step towards dominating my depression. that feeling which was the prototypical anxiety factor has been located and i've learned how to destroy it.
it's like trying to get as close as you can to moving your arm without moving it. you send your arm all kinds of signals except the one that, before you know you've sent it, moves your arm. thinking about moving your arm can fill it with feeling, but moving your arm is all about some other kind of thing. making your body move isn't a thought but a will.
anyway, i've had the busiest and best day i've probably had at the store today. a saturday in which my co-worker cancelled on me. i've been on top of almost everything without taking a second of a mental break, or ever running out of will power and energy. a little while ago, i went back to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. typically, i can freak myself out in front of a mirror. usually, i look and don't get any impression and so i look closer and closer and then whatever level of anxiety or depression i'm open to will close in. the level used to be so much that i could be effected for quite a while. but in the last months i could ignore it almost as soon as it began. i even slightly toyed with it.
but today, i realized what the feeling was and where it was located and why it was there and i took a step to alleviate it. see! it was just a common feeling in my body and all i had to do was release the pressure on it by allowing that pressure to accumulate on my other muscles. these other muscles, however, had become so week during my years at pitt that it's taken a few years of furniture sales to get them ready again. soon i will even out. soon, i will be what i should be.
and i'll see an impression of myself in the mirror that i can be happy about.
it's like trying to get as close as you can to moving your arm without moving it. you send your arm all kinds of signals except the one that, before you know you've sent it, moves your arm. thinking about moving your arm can fill it with feeling, but moving your arm is all about some other kind of thing. making your body move isn't a thought but a will.
anyway, i've had the busiest and best day i've probably had at the store today. a saturday in which my co-worker cancelled on me. i've been on top of almost everything without taking a second of a mental break, or ever running out of will power and energy. a little while ago, i went back to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. typically, i can freak myself out in front of a mirror. usually, i look and don't get any impression and so i look closer and closer and then whatever level of anxiety or depression i'm open to will close in. the level used to be so much that i could be effected for quite a while. but in the last months i could ignore it almost as soon as it began. i even slightly toyed with it.
but today, i realized what the feeling was and where it was located and why it was there and i took a step to alleviate it. see! it was just a common feeling in my body and all i had to do was release the pressure on it by allowing that pressure to accumulate on my other muscles. these other muscles, however, had become so week during my years at pitt that it's taken a few years of furniture sales to get them ready again. soon i will even out. soon, i will be what i should be.
and i'll see an impression of myself in the mirror that i can be happy about.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 3:50 PM
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At 9:14 AM,
ClickNathan said…
My boss is looming and so I only read the first and last paragraphs of this post. I assume there was something said about Popeye and the neverending desire to ride one of those little animals at the playground that are held up by a spring but basically only flop over if you weigh more than 100 lbs.
I'll leave you with the thought "Do you believe in love after love? / I can feel something inside me say" and then that's where I sing, "I really do think I'm strong enough, ya'll"
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