sunrise, sunset, sunrise,

do you see the pattern here. (basically i'm dying of exaustion) those with asperger syndrome have trouble seeing patterns for something like all stimulus give similar signals. it's a kind of ultimate non-conformation to society. you try to impress upon me (the person with that autism) that these things are more important than those things but, other than that, those things don't seem more important than these things. (i fear my relations with customers might be quite erratic today) some characteristics that i can identify with: creating, solving and checking math problems to calm myself; problems with people being too close, especially touching; this quote: 'i find it hard to imagine things which did not happen to me;' and this quote: When people asked him, 'Christopher, tell me what your mother was like?' he might say, 'i can rewind to lots of different scenes (in his memory) and say what she was like in those scenes;' (i'm barely pulling off being a cashier even) and a whole paragraph about new places filled with people, being traumatic. yeah, all that stuff. but never so severely, and if severe, usually not for so long an extended period of time. it almost depends on if i'm in an unfamiliar place or anywhere with a lot of people. i don't pretend to really have a problem, it's just nice to see these things listed as traits of some kinds of people somewhere at least. like a support group.

when i'm in a familiar situation, my pattern devisement intricates exponentially. i can see the subtlest patterns within the most basic pattern. and for those times, i can, as my mother says, in a way, let things be what they appear to be.

i have this whole belief that life has to be fair, and if, even though i've seen it isn't, i still hold myself and my own actions in check by that belief. now, i don't know, but it seems probable, that if i looked closely i would see that my most basic wants and desires might not be in check by that belief. but odd, less meaningful things are. it's almost like if you crack your knuckles on one hand, you'll always crack the other hand, too. this is a kind of compulsion. but what i'm talking about is more of a basic life view. something like, if i was outgoing for five years, the next five i would become become introverted. not quite that either though. but still, i feel like i go to extremes. it's like, instead of staying balanced, say in excercise, i push it so hard for a short period of time, but then sit completely still (basically) for the rest of the day. or i think very hard and then go around thoughtless the rest of the day. or once i finally think that i've discovered some certain trait or characteristic about my personality, i'll usually decide to tell someone, 'i'm this way,' and once i do i usually find myself, from then on, acting not that way at all.

it all has to do with how you can never really be sure of anything, and so, once i think i'm sure of something, and then state it out loud, i get quesy or something and so follow along the opposing principles. sometimes though i worry that the job of a human is to create, define, stand by and defend what is true.

but, i do believe in justice. the only problem with ever applying it though is that whole thing about doing to others that which you would want done to yourself and how that doesn't really make any sense once you get past the big things like 'don't kill me' 'don't kill you' i mean, i want you to act how i act but you want me to adjust to the way you act. i want to act how i act because i am familiar with how i act. when i act the way you want me to act, it's like i freeze, like i do in unfamiliar places, and i no longer can employ the many intricate ways of acting that i learned acting on my playing board, because in your world the things i do and say have different meaning and i just spend the entire time explaining and apologizing for myself and for how i imagine you may have taken me. (can i make it through this day?)

i understand why people don't like certain people. it's because of the feeling you get from that person. their personality causes that feeling. or, you imagine that they hold misgivings about you even if their personality never converys that. most people don't make much of an impression on me. but the people that strike me as "wow, you are for sure unpopular, i can just tell that most people wouldn't respond well to you because of your looks or ways of communicating," are the people that i often act friendly towards out of pity or something. or more because i know that my kindness will get the most for its money and time. it's like i'm making up for how rude or indifferent i am to people that don't seem to need any more friends. but this doesn't seem fair from their perspective because they have worked hard to get to the point where people will respond well to them. not that they're intelligent or anything, but they cared, and they wanted people to like them. i think i like to go for people who don't need anyone to like them. or, as i've said, perhaps i think i do the complete opposite. it beats me.

no one read this.

(gasp, my last breath - mysterique, stephan g. t.)

*oh, go here for all the quotes and ideas. julie has the book. i read a page or two.