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shit, i am so stubborn when it comes to doing what i want to do with a certain amount of time. for example, after work. i just want to go home and forget about work, about dealing with and talking to and appeasing people. i want to play basketball or chess with anthony and laugh together about what rude motherfuckers we are. i don't want to tip-toe around things or work up some fake excitement about my new car or some other shit.

thing is, my cousin and aunt and uncle are in from the beach/state college, reverse-respectedly and they want (image a sweet valley high girl saying:) to get together and go to Friendlies!!!!! oh come on! just have some ice cream then!!

i just fucking smashed my shin. it's too hard to explain how, but it hurts. like, i smashed it while sitting in my chair typing.

anyway, i don't want to deal with it all right now and i could see myself going there and responding less than enthusiastically to questions thus virtually pooping on the party and making everyone feel a little upset at me unconsciously, perhaps, after i'd say i was tired from work and didn't really feel like talking. they'd probably try to make me laugh by saying how hard my aunt must make me work but i wouldn't.

you might say, big deal, just do what you want. who cares what they think, just say you want to go home.

butttttt, i want to be able to go there and have fun. i want to want to go hang out with family or anybody and enjoy myself. i want to be able to make the party more enjoyable. so i'm going to go because it's the first step in being able to get back to being able to do that. but i'm so damn stubborn that i still think i'm going to show up and be less than enthusiastic. sigh. we'll see.