what will i regret

hopefully i will fall into a line of thought that is entertaining. well, church had another negative effect on me. it's always the same. i feel like i'm going to pass out. it's like culture shock. i would like church if i felt comfortable. i don't mind listening to sermons and singing hymns. and once church is over i enjoy saying hi and shaking hands. so what is it? i'm not sure. it has something to do with feeling trapped. and it has something to do with considering 'what if the worst happened.' i get a feeling like you might have at the worst part of an interview, and i imagine how it would it would feel if the interview was not going well. but you can run out of an interview and go drink some beer and pray you never see that company executive or his secretary again. you can pray with some good deal of hope actually, and then laugh it off. but you can't go running out of church; you can't faint at the altar, drinking your wine. but this is what i seem close to doing. and considering the setting i can't help but think it's life or death or even saved or damned. then, i can't talk to my parents about it or anything. 'mom, i get light-headed at church and feel like everything's all wrong.' wouldn't she freak. well i kindof did bring it up today, but i sort of just got laughed at, haha. i just feel trapped. i feel like i need to lie down and stretch. i feel overwhelmed by an energy. it seems like it might be a good energy. but it is too much. like if i gave into it i'd start screaming out 'halelujah' or something. it also feels like an energy that threatens to change me. and if i give in to it i might open my eyes and realize that most of the people in the congregation are devils. and they'd all turn their eyes my way. most likely it all just represents my reluctance to grow up and to do my best and to accept the responsibility of becoming successful. as example, i am a very fine singer when it comes to church songs, but i don't want to stand out or i'll feel pressured to always sing well and to be perfect. instead i like to do it when i feel like it. when there are many people singing like at easter or something it's great because i can sing good and loud and no one will notice. now i know that i'm usually singing good, just in case you're thinking that maybe i suck, but i do think that my voice is a little too unique or might sound pretentious, like maybe i'm trying to sound too good, or putting on an act, or making fun of the deep-voiced choir member. anyway, once i got some food in me i felt a lot better and started acting without apprehension. but, i, at first, declined to order any food. instead, i wanted to go home and lie down. but, i thought that that would be just too eccentric for me to act so i got a little food. i realized, again, how we are such creatures of habit. and it's not because we just tend to do things we are used to doing, which would be easier than coming up with some new activities or pathways. i realized that my body depended on the morning act of digesting such fatty foods as cheese and ham, bacon and bagels. if i don't eat them...it seems i get all light-headed and the desire to lie back down.