Honey, have i ever told you you have great tastes in interest rates

so many things have been going on in my head today. i think i'm in a bad mood. i do feel good, but i always feel good. but i think i'm in a bad mood because all of my theories turn out to have bad ends today.

i was thinking a little about signs. sometimes i feel like i'm overwhelmed with the amount of signs i see throughout a day. i don't really follow them usually. i don't want to seem so naive as to believe in signs. but then, maybe when i get older i'll realize how naive i was to not believe in them. or they might not exist at all. this started (today, while thinking) to seem like the most probable case. i think this because i figured that i don't follow through with what the signs seem to be telling me because i am too scared that if they turn out to be wrong then i'll have to live life without them. life with them is so nice because they make me feel like i'm doing what i'm supposed to. as if i'm following a plan. maybe a benevolent all-powerful made the plan for me or maybe i chose the plan. but if there is no plan then that means i'm in charge of everything. but now (now, while thinking) this doesn't seem most probable because there are things, lines that seem right but i know i didn't effect them. maybe i'm getting in a better mood.

i was thinking about patterns. i see patterns in everything. i get bored watching the same patterns over and over again. i have trouble listening to my mother or aunt talk to me because i know where they are going ten seconds before they get there but they don't care. i let them know i know what they are saying or trying to say but they don't care to go on to the next point. so i don't exactly get along with them that well in that kind of communicating. they had so many sisters and they're a very talkative family. they love to communicate, for hours. they expect you to follow along with them the whole way. but this is impossible when your mind has jumped ahead to what they are saying. it is no fun to give nods and eyebrow raises to people once you know what they are saying. but try doing it for five minutes. i try to compromise and i'm willing to but they will not. they (all the sisters and one brother) have reinforced within each other the way they communicate. all of them have few very close friends or none at all, just spouses. my mother is very good at listening but not very good at keeping other's attention. this leads to some of the patterns i see. she is a very patient listener. she will listen well whether she is interested or not. this is not good in my opinion. one that patiently lets others ramble on without telling them that they are not being interesting is usually doing it because when they talk they don't concern themselves with holding others' attention and are usually themselves boring. ugh, this is so boring.

i could think something, then recognize it as something or know why i thought it, resolve it, then think something about the resolution, recognize why i thought that, then resolve it, and eventually i go insane. just knowing it isn't good enough. human contact has to be involved.

going to a baseball game, for example, isn't the same anymore. i'm not sure if i should still get excited and high-five. i used to and it was much more fun. is it natural as one gets older for them also to become more self-conscious and unsure. it seems like it should be the other way around.

i am so uninterested in most people. so what does the pattern say about me. but, also, i know that things are not definate. many times i am interested in people. so do i chuck it all up to mood?

people want to know what kind of a person you are. i don't have any idea what kind i am and i've been looking for years. then, i don't like things like the blogger profile random questions. if i answer it with a question i'm this kind of person. if i try to be funny i'm this kind of person. if i question its logic i'm this kind of person. i can be clever or serious or sarcastic or weird or honest and no matter what the details of my answer my basic kind of response determines how i'm seen. it's overwhemling what kind of person you can be.

i feel very aggravated right now.

this is good. any feeling is good.

hmm, i just had an interesting conversation with a guy on the phone. actually it was a two way conversation. his weighlifting son was on a different line and we were all connected. nothing exciting was talked about but it felt, i don't know, normal.

i want to be normal again.

i feel like this post was completely useless. ah, well. like we all say, who cares. or like some people say, fuck it