Clock Games

i'm quite aware that i haven't been able to have nightmares for many years now. i am certain that this fact correlates with my state of mind which i believe to have been controlled and forced by my will over those years. my will has let up a bit recently, as i've been saying over, basically, my entire blogging career. my 'will' my 'depression' whatever you want to call it; what it is and was is a change. but it was not just a change. a change might be harder, or easier, i don't know. what it was was a reversion back to what i was, back to how i used to feel, in general. it was weird and felt pretty unnatural and all during the last few years. i was aware that certain 'normal' things were missing in my life. i found i was missing nightmares, for one. i was pretty sure i wouldn't let myself have one. even when unconscious i think you have to let yourself go to have a nightmare. i couldn't let myself do that. i suffocated myself with restraint, with self-questioning, with doubt, with criticism, and instead of acknowledging that these things were unhealthy to my life, i, instead, tried to even them out by judging everything with criticism, with questioning, with doubt. and all of this was pretty passive. i took care to veil my fusty outlook which was so out of character with my time and place. i didn't act like i felt. i concealed my beleagered enthusiasm with just enough beers and just enough pop phrases so that no one asked what was wrong. i didn't want someone to ask that because i knew the answer. i knew i could change it. but i knew it would take time and opportunity and i knew i had to ride it out. funny, i'm not one to bear out a headache in silence if it is hurting my performance in some way. i think it's only fair to explain why i'm not so cheerful or as accurate at sniping. i don't want whoever's with me to think that it might be their fault. but in this case i knew that i couldn't really explain why i was struggling because i was struggling because, in a way, i felt like it.

sorry, i always get tangented away. anyway, all of those characteristics made it impossible for me to have a nightmare. my heart couldn't've handled one, even of the lightest nature, and for all of the nightmarish things i thought during the day for all i knew i was in for a huge one.

ahh(sigh)

but now the nightmares are starting to return. i couldn't be any happier. they aren't up to their normal caliber just yet, but they're creeping back in. i still won't relax enough to let them get my heart beating rapidly or wake me up in sweat or anything, but they're them. after one of those extreme kinds of nightmares one is content to feel exhilerated at the realization that it was just a dream, and one could drop back to their pillows in relief. but the kind i'm having aren't so dramatic. in fact, when they're over i tend to cling to the spooky feeling they left me. it doesn't feel good but i haven't felt it for so long. i want to be frightened by a bear chase or a fall from the clouds. instead i'm getting mental fears about unnatural life forms or intelligence hidden in a vague space. the climax is something like my friend and i have just realized that it wasn't coincidence, it's some kind of implied fear. we realized that the something was to be feared but it didn't realize that we just found out we should fear it. we feel trapped and hopeless but nothing scary has happened you know. so i awake to this feeling and i cling to it even while i'm haunted by it and can't fall back to sleep. it's like i know it to be true but i also really want to forget about it. and i don't know what to do.

but in retrospect, i don't mind that nightly struggle. at least it's new.