again, trapped
i used to daydream through most of church. i can't really do that anymore for whatever reason. so, culture shock at church? i know, but, where else do you act like you do when in a congregation? a movie theater or a play or a company presentation? in all these circumstances you are permitted, almost expected, to either have fun or make fun of the proceedings. it's getting hard for me to take church or religion lightly. well, at least when i'm attending. i don't believe in jesus to the extent that i'm supposed to you know. so when i look around i have to think 'what are we all doing here.' now going to church was fine with me when i was to do as i was told. but what now. i don't know. i should probably join the choir.
well, change in tone. i was just taken away from the computer ten minutes ago. i used that time to talk to marie. well, marie is a sometime customer here at wsyf. she's black and has a quasi-jamaican accent. she's young and has two adorable kids. she definately hasn't been in america for more than ten years. i haven't asked but i'd guess she only been here a few. i think she came over with her husband who was a doctor in the us military. i think they met overseas. anyway, she's a complete riot, as it were. you might think she was berating me for trying to steal her purse if you walked into the store. instead, she's telling me that she loves these certain glass end tables but that they'd only last two days in her house. i know she's right. her 3 something boy has been to the store many times. i always have a good time walking around behind him catching valuables he tips over. anyway, she's so energetic, so easygoing and so herself. i want to be with someone like that who gets excited, who makes friends easy, who doesn't care if someone thinks she's crazy, who always is expressive and has a good time. i want to live somewhere where people are that open. i want one of every few people i run into to act like that. if i ever do find one here it is 99.99 percent likely to be a girl. but i wouldn't mind acting like that. i like to.
but, at least half of my life is concerned with totally different desires. a woman like that, while i'd admire her and love her, would always be like that. i couldn't handle that all of the time. sometimes i want a quiet, contemplative girl. one that shared my sometimes overwhelming search for the unknown. maybe if my parents were dead I'd have two wives.
well, change in tone. i was just taken away from the computer ten minutes ago. i used that time to talk to marie. well, marie is a sometime customer here at wsyf. she's black and has a quasi-jamaican accent. she's young and has two adorable kids. she definately hasn't been in america for more than ten years. i haven't asked but i'd guess she only been here a few. i think she came over with her husband who was a doctor in the us military. i think they met overseas. anyway, she's a complete riot, as it were. you might think she was berating me for trying to steal her purse if you walked into the store. instead, she's telling me that she loves these certain glass end tables but that they'd only last two days in her house. i know she's right. her 3 something boy has been to the store many times. i always have a good time walking around behind him catching valuables he tips over. anyway, she's so energetic, so easygoing and so herself. i want to be with someone like that who gets excited, who makes friends easy, who doesn't care if someone thinks she's crazy, who always is expressive and has a good time. i want to live somewhere where people are that open. i want one of every few people i run into to act like that. if i ever do find one here it is 99.99 percent likely to be a girl. but i wouldn't mind acting like that. i like to.
but, at least half of my life is concerned with totally different desires. a woman like that, while i'd admire her and love her, would always be like that. i couldn't handle that all of the time. sometimes i want a quiet, contemplative girl. one that shared my sometimes overwhelming search for the unknown. maybe if my parents were dead I'd have two wives.
on a whim, chad was marco @ 2:20 PM
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At 10:12 AM,
ClickNathan said…
i liked that story. i like the idea of that woman, and of you talking to her. it gives a sense of meaning to life. i don't know why. it just does.
i also used to daydream at church. does me telling you that make you feel more akin to me? what else would be the point of me saying it? that certainly wasn't the point of saying it, but i find it comical that i even would state it.
basically, i just used to like sitting in the balcony and imagining transformers or heman or some sort of guys like that battling above the congregation. now I hear tristan always talk about "let's fight with guns" or "lets have a lego war" or something and I want to say "no, man, we can just build with legos and make a cool city" because i don't want him consumed with war...but...well, i've turned out pretty anti-war and all...so maybe all boys just need to break things and burn things and where did this end up relating to your post at all?
At 10:33 AM,
chad was marco said…
haha, i totally used to imagine i was part of the xmen or something and a bad guy would jump through the window and i'd save the congregation. i guess when you look at it that way it correlates with how most of my dreams were. i didn't want to be just a football player but the star football player. i didn't just want to be a disciple. i actually wanted to be jesus, i guess, what with my saving the congregation haha.
actually, when i imagined being a football star, like at age 9 or so, i would imagine going from training camp to training camp and no team would want me, and then finally after about half an hour of this (right before i would fall asleep) i'd finally get a chance with the Detroit Lions or some team and i'd prove em all wrong.
i attribute my outstanding imagination (and only i can be the judge of that) to my mother forcing her kids to go to bed at like 7pm. i'd have to lie in bed with the lights off for at least two hours every night. it increased my fear of the dark (i had to do something) and my ability to entertain myself with my imagination. i wasn't just a star running back. i had an emotional story behind it all. i think that's why i always root for underdogs. there's a simple story behind them that one can imagine.
At 2:55 PM,
ClickNathan said…
congrats to your mom, then. I like that idea. Now I can keep from feeling guilty about sending the boy to sleep so early and convince myself I'm doing him right.
At 10:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
the summer after i finished first grade, my family went to north carolina to visit my mother's relatives. they lived in durham - not in the nice part near the colleges, but in the really, really dirt poor rural part of town. trailers and tobacco fields, far as the eye could see. i remember it stayed at a humid 90 degrees pretty much all the time, and everything was covered in bugs and frogs. other than that, my memory of the trip is blurry... except for the sunday i spent in church.
our trip happened to coincide with homecoming at the southern baptist church. it was apparently local tradition to have a gathering each year which the congregation and all their friends and family were invited to attend. my immediate family and i were dragged along by my mother's entire extended family to the sermon and the party/picnic that followed.
the fact that i still remember the sermon the preacher gave that day is a testament to the impact it had on me. he was an old-school preacher, a classic hellfire and damnation southern baptist. he wore a black robe, and he had a voice than must have carried for miles, and in my eyes he seemed about ten feet tall. the preacher told us (screamed at us) that we were evil, that we had sinned, and that god had built protective hedges around us that were now being torn down. and did we know WHO was TEARING DOWN the HEDGES? it was GAWD HIMSELF, say HALLELUJAH and PRAISE JESUS!!! and SATAN was a-comin' to get us if we didn't repent, but quick.
i was seven years old, and i still remember it like it was yesterday. terrified, i retreated to another before the sermon was over. i could not be persuaded to touch any of the delicious southern food served at the banquet afterwards, and was too disconsolate to play or even talk all day. i was convinced i was a terrible person, and i was trying to get used to the idea of going to hell.
since then i've never really felt comfortable in church, although i've realized that not every religious sect is quite as, well, insane as the southern baptists. funny how your earliest memories can shape your perceptions of something for such a long time.
i don't know. i guess you don't need church to have religion, which is fortunate. i feel like if i went to church, i would still spend most of my time daydreaming, or doing what you described: staring around at people and wondering what we were doing. and then i'd convince myself i was going to hell for it.
anyhow, this is me commenting on your journal for once.
liz
At 12:41 PM,
chad was marco said…
thanks. if i'm looking around at people and not really experiencing god at church, by definition, i think i'm going to hell. but if i don't think i'm going to hell, which i don't, then what are we doing. i think there are reasons for our every action no matter how small or insignificant they seem. sure you can't get through life normally if you constantly balk mid-sentence to think for awhile, usually without any real realization, while someone waits for you to continue the conversation. a conversation takes all of your concentration. and if you can give it, the conversation usually goes well. but i know there are underlying reasons for people's actions. however, i also believe i'll never realize them all so i have to have faith that my reasons are just and moral. but when i don't have faith i tend to think they are animal and earthly. so if i lie to myself a little i think i'll live a happyish life overall but with periods of extreme despair when my faith falters for a minute, but then i could call this 'being tested by the Devil.' also, i'd feel like i was living life on the surface a bit more than i'd like. but the other option is to think my actions are not moral or anything (usually)and that they stem from animal urges. this seems bad. however, the fact that i can see how all actions, in theory, can stem from morality, the fact that the notion of morality exists, is enough to convince me that we can head in a better direction evolutionary-wise or that there is a god, right?
probably actions stem from both. my question now is 'is it perfect the way it is, harmony, ying and yang in a way, or should we strive to always stem our actions from morality and thus deny our human nature'
what is human nature must change to reach our ideals. remember that next time some punk tells you to keep it real.
At 1:15 PM,
chad was marco said…
if only you'd imagined some pirates to repel those ninjas. that daydream could've lasted through church.
what were the ninjas doing there. what was their motive. bust through the glass and steal the offering and everyone's sunday's best jewelry. haha, of course mine never made sense, it just occurred to me as funny.
At 9:26 PM,
Salomé said…
Again, I love your writing. I can't imagine you though. Again, I feel like we might be from different planets. Which is kind of cool. The way you write is almost melodic. It has a certain rhythm to it that I've never seen in writing before. Lovely.
I have to say that I don't go to church. Not at all. And yet, I don't think I'm going to hell. I see god or at least the divine everywhere. I kind of think you might also. What is it you are really looking at when you watch people in church?
I think you might be wrong about 'a woman like that.' I think a woman like that could also sometimes be quiet and contempletive and fascinated with the unknown. So you might be saved from marrying two women. Sadly.
At 6:14 PM,
chad was marco said…
thanks salome. i'm starting to think i'll never be able to write like you do. i don't have much practice with setting or the most basic parts of writing like you do. and, then, your subject matter sets you off from others and also your ideas and much else. but it is all set somewhere. i have a problem with taking things for granted. i often can't. and, plus, i can't stay on point too often. this hampers a story. however, i have all the ideas for one, just not the time, yet, to get it all together. or the right brain patterns.
umm, i was talking to my friend wolfman2000andbeyond.blogspot.com (go here if you haven't yet) last night at his house about this church thing. i mentioned that it wouldn't be so bad if i was looking around at everybody and thinking 'hey, they're not taking this too seriously,' or if i was thinking anything of that nature, which i used to somewhat. back then, i'd think that and then i'd drift back to daydreaming. but now, i don't drift off to daydreaming. i wish i could. my habits of taking time off during the day for daydreaming still haunt me. i tend to still have an empty space of time now and then, but it is no longer filled with daydreaming. it usually remains empty. if there is anything there it is a bad feeling. hopelessness, panic, something like that. i'm thinking, though, that the habit won't be so bad if i fill it with writing or thoughts on writing or composing thoughts. so that's my plan.
and if i do think anything at church it has something to do with god's trying to lift me up but i'm clinging to the ground, knowing he's trying to help me but too scared to change.
At 11:14 AM,
Salomé said…
You don't need to write like me, though. I have stopped in to like a million blogs and never gone back a second time. There is something fascinating about the way you write, or the way your brain works for that matter. It makes me want to come aback and read what you write. Ever read Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Even in translation, his words have a certain cadence and an unexpected quality about them. Your words have that too, except that it's just yours. I wouldn't try to lose it.
I'm not trying to discourage you about church. It's not like I have never gone to church in my life, and there is something useful about tending to your spirituality with a group of other people. But (and this might be cynical) it is problematic for me to accept someone else's interpretation of what God is. I see god in that Jamaican woman and her kids, I see God in you, I see God in the arrangement of molecules in a rock, I see God in the challenges that people face everyday. I don't so much see God in a group of people sitting in a room because they think they have to, but more in the existence of those people. It's fine to go to church, but I just think that it's hard to miss god if you actually are paying attention. Whatever you may think god is. If you think of all of your life as a sacred place, you start to know god in a different way than if you only meet him in church on Sundays.
At 2:22 PM,
chad was marco said…
wow, just last time i wrote back to you i had to copy your comment so i could remember what all you said and what all i wanted to talk about. now, today, i'm greeted with this whole new comment format. i even had contemplated writing a quick post or maybe just leaving a comment on nathan's about how blogger should do this. well, it's done.
thanks again salome that means a lot to me. scary, i see or think i see the ends to so many things. especially things that pertain to me and how i think. i see what is good now will turn out to be naivety and unconscious disguise. but, now, happily, i think i'm ok with allowing myself to enjoy things even though i know they will end.
everything you said about church and god could have been my words. so, onto wondering how to explain to my parents. well, it's not so simple as it might seem. i talked to my mom years ago and we both agreed on not thinking god from church is god exactly. more, they want me to come to spend time. but none of this would be a problem but i'm having real trouble getting through church. i'm beginning to dread it. and that's scary.
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