I'm usually pretty nice, but if it's a sweet old lady, sometimes i like to practice being mean.

It's nice. I'm able to give my little cousins big, loving hugs again. For a while there I couldn't. It's like I'm accepting the responsibility that comes with appreciating how sweet and impressionable little kids can be. I wouldn't even hold a baby over the last few years. Like I didn't like what I was and I didn't want it to rub off on them. I guess I'm always thinking I'm the center of the universe and all. But it's hard not to. It's hard to get away from yourself.

I'm starting to take things for granted a little bit. What I'm saying is that I'm starting to have a little t4rust in stuff again. Trying to live with an uncompromising principle like 'Never assumme anything' is very hard and sort of seemingly unrewarding. Maybe living the hard life for a few years will reward me somehow. You can control how you feel when you always force yourself to feel a little worse than you should. You are in control then, and you can make yourself feel worse or even, happily, feel better. But it's a lot of work and a lot of pressure. If you let up for just one second you'll see how you really feel and, that, you won't be able to change.

New things are starting to take shape just like everybody else says things are. I see what they mean more, I mean. I'm in it with them and all that. Pretty soon I'll have examples.

I'm not trying to sound like Salinger, exactly, I'm just kind of letting myself. Oh, and Dustin told me Holden becomes or is a madman or something. I don't know what I think about that. I kind of like it. He's crazy and all, but you can relate. That's some good writing, right?

Something about college (or me) just wouldn't let me take part in it. I think it would have been too frustrating somehow. I think they let too many people in.

If I had a million dollars I'd love to hire my own personal tutor. Someone who is real intelligent like as a human being. And he'd spend time getting to know my way of thinking and he'd know how to get through to me. That'd be great. I'd love him, heh. But if he ever got bored of me, I guess my life would go to shit. I'd probably really start drinking and I'd finish up my life real sad and taking advantage of people.