for my mind only
my weightlifting muscles are coming out of hibernation all on their own. surging balls of tension demand my attention throughout the day. when i have the patience to give it to them, i find myself slowly taking up my pre-bench position or i'm forced into the back end of a shoulder press. i certainly gave it my all when i was lifting weights in college, but i'm also certain that i was rarely using the right technique. i mean, i wanted to give the effort, but i just didn't have the patience. it was more important for me to increase my weight than to increase my physique or health. i used to run alot in the summers too. but it was more of a mile and a half grind where i'd only use my big muscles. i probably looked pretty stupid running down my road everyday, like half of my body was taking a break while the other half was trying like hell to move me.
this is very similar to my mental condition in my college situation i bet. it's like, i was more than willing to go halfway. damn, i could go halfway with the best of them. i went into college hoping it would be a break. i wanted a little retirement or something just to see how far i'd come. i wanted to see how i'd do if i just leaned back on my strengths. what happened though was that my strengths started to get a little worse as time passed. it started to be a struggle to go halfway even.
this is all similar in my most, i want to say 'instinctual insights on' or 'vaguest guesses at,' how my most miniscule and most basic living elements work. such as, i find the inability to move my eyes in a smooth sweep. they always jerk. i'm always off balance. but i'm the type of off balance guy that is full of confidence that i'll pull off some improbable highlight reel recovery. in this way i'll surprise people and evoke applause or something, but if i fall i'll have the excuse that i never cared enough to be on balance anyway and so what's the big deal if i fall? No big deal.
wow, i sure had it all worked out perfectly, down to a T i'd say. but i wasn't on top of the world and all that. actually, i was probably down there kinda low. so, like, how do you get it to suck less when you attempt something and fail? it seems like if you fail a whole lot you're sure tempting the devil to make you a murderer. or at least a mean guy or something. i want that less than being a failure... wait a second, i'm all fucked up in my logic here. is it possible to start the sentence with 'i want that less' when it refers to being a mean guy, when what i want the meaning to result in is 'i would rather be a good person than very successful? can someone fix this? theres like double negatives but also switches in subjects and impliance or...what the fuck
anyway, i think that to be a good person you probably need to push yourself to be successful somehow. as my mind numbed more and more, i found that the only way i could maintain a nice guy persona was to involve myself less and less with people. so that sucked. anyway, i certainly came to the conclusion that it was my responsibility to be happy and healthy. because when i wasn't i was always hurting people, albeit it was almost always indirectly.
i'm finally getting into the mood to do things. you do have to be in the right mood to do things you know. i got this tabacco outlet girl to bubble with laughter for about 20 seconds. i glanced at her face towards the end and i noticed she couldn't help herself. she really couldn't. she was probably like 19 or something. all i said was that i had taken the wrong exit and it kinda sucked on account of it was real icy out and i'd have to drive back the way i'd come real slow. but i said it all in half sentences because she'd laugh at the way i acted out being behind the wheel and driving real slow and carefully behind other motorists and so i'd gather that she got my meaning so i'd start into my next thoughts and i'd keep cutting them all short because she kept laughing. i didn't have the greatest exit though. i just kinda said 'you have a good night too. thanks' or something. i sat in my van for a minute before i was ready to go and when i cleared my windshield with my wipers i saw her helping out her next customer. she was beaming. it was just a nice experience where two people didn't necessarily feel better about themselves but they got to take a break from being so proper and got to act like fools. that's why it's been kind of hard for me to be myself real often, i always act like a fool, and if someone isn't amused or when all the laughter dies down i realize that there was certainly nothing i said that was funny it was just that i was manipulating people into enjoying themselves. and as much as everyone likes to enjoy themselves and i don't really mind doing it, i just can't help feeling manipulative, and bad-boned people would love to break me with logic. shit. i'm starting to think i've been on the wrong path the entire time. actually i'm pretty fuckin sure of it. i tried to get good at what i wasn't and i let my natural gifts sitting uselessly and all because i didn't want to represent what i was because of what that would mean i wasn't. and so i'm a traitor, and i've been messing around on the other side. this would explain my careless attitude. and also my eagerness to make all kinds of apologies for everybody. (not specifically)
i guess i'll stop now
this is very similar to my mental condition in my college situation i bet. it's like, i was more than willing to go halfway. damn, i could go halfway with the best of them. i went into college hoping it would be a break. i wanted a little retirement or something just to see how far i'd come. i wanted to see how i'd do if i just leaned back on my strengths. what happened though was that my strengths started to get a little worse as time passed. it started to be a struggle to go halfway even.
this is all similar in my most, i want to say 'instinctual insights on' or 'vaguest guesses at,' how my most miniscule and most basic living elements work. such as, i find the inability to move my eyes in a smooth sweep. they always jerk. i'm always off balance. but i'm the type of off balance guy that is full of confidence that i'll pull off some improbable highlight reel recovery. in this way i'll surprise people and evoke applause or something, but if i fall i'll have the excuse that i never cared enough to be on balance anyway and so what's the big deal if i fall? No big deal.
wow, i sure had it all worked out perfectly, down to a T i'd say. but i wasn't on top of the world and all that. actually, i was probably down there kinda low. so, like, how do you get it to suck less when you attempt something and fail? it seems like if you fail a whole lot you're sure tempting the devil to make you a murderer. or at least a mean guy or something. i want that less than being a failure... wait a second, i'm all fucked up in my logic here. is it possible to start the sentence with 'i want that less' when it refers to being a mean guy, when what i want the meaning to result in is 'i would rather be a good person than very successful? can someone fix this? theres like double negatives but also switches in subjects and impliance or...what the fuck
anyway, i think that to be a good person you probably need to push yourself to be successful somehow. as my mind numbed more and more, i found that the only way i could maintain a nice guy persona was to involve myself less and less with people. so that sucked. anyway, i certainly came to the conclusion that it was my responsibility to be happy and healthy. because when i wasn't i was always hurting people, albeit it was almost always indirectly.
i'm finally getting into the mood to do things. you do have to be in the right mood to do things you know. i got this tabacco outlet girl to bubble with laughter for about 20 seconds. i glanced at her face towards the end and i noticed she couldn't help herself. she really couldn't. she was probably like 19 or something. all i said was that i had taken the wrong exit and it kinda sucked on account of it was real icy out and i'd have to drive back the way i'd come real slow. but i said it all in half sentences because she'd laugh at the way i acted out being behind the wheel and driving real slow and carefully behind other motorists and so i'd gather that she got my meaning so i'd start into my next thoughts and i'd keep cutting them all short because she kept laughing. i didn't have the greatest exit though. i just kinda said 'you have a good night too. thanks' or something. i sat in my van for a minute before i was ready to go and when i cleared my windshield with my wipers i saw her helping out her next customer. she was beaming. it was just a nice experience where two people didn't necessarily feel better about themselves but they got to take a break from being so proper and got to act like fools. that's why it's been kind of hard for me to be myself real often, i always act like a fool, and if someone isn't amused or when all the laughter dies down i realize that there was certainly nothing i said that was funny it was just that i was manipulating people into enjoying themselves. and as much as everyone likes to enjoy themselves and i don't really mind doing it, i just can't help feeling manipulative, and bad-boned people would love to break me with logic. shit. i'm starting to think i've been on the wrong path the entire time. actually i'm pretty fuckin sure of it. i tried to get good at what i wasn't and i let my natural gifts sitting uselessly and all because i didn't want to represent what i was because of what that would mean i wasn't. and so i'm a traitor, and i've been messing around on the other side. this would explain my careless attitude. and also my eagerness to make all kinds of apologies for everybody. (not specifically)
i guess i'll stop now
on a whim, chad was marco @ 6:03 PM
6 $BlogItemCommentCount$:
At 11:12 AM,
ClickNathan said…
dare I attempt to reply to something like this without sounding like a guidance counselor or any sort of person giving advice as opposed to simply spouting out ideas..? sure, why not.
i think there lays a bit of unsubstantiated magick in people like yourself. attempting to move your eyes without jerking (inevitably because you have to focus on something, to do otherwise would make you an aimless poet dreamer and whatever side of your brain controls physical movement has no time for such trivialities)...but immersing yourself in full fledged all out laughter-making, complete with guestures and consumed audience as you related in the Tale of the Buffoon and the Tobacconist takes complete and utter living. The kind of living that normal dickhead guys do without thinking about it. The kind of living that keeps girls and boys dating on a regular basis, as opposed to fumbling over a girlfriend once or twice a year. That kind of living is essential to survival in the normal world, or at least to fitting in at a grocery store line.
The sort of living I see you more submerged in, though, is certainly the one where you contemplate every situation and deduce the amount of worth it holds on your future and how it is only made possible by the generous support of your past. As it would require a whole staff of researchers, sales people and marketing specialists to ever actually deduce even one person's life and all of the consequences of every action, I would label this sort of living whimsical, without science, or magickal. Living in a world of theoretic insights and striving for goals that are yet to be determined is a much more interesting one than perhaps that experienced by the vast majority.
Now, for kicks, visit Willy Shatners web page about his new record Has Been and give it a go, you might find it interestingly reflective.
At 12:47 PM,
chad was marco said…
ha, do you really think a guidance counselor would ever say anything like that? haha, they'd say something like, 'why are you talking, look, listen, acquire some goals and accomplish them you lazy shit' so, thank you for your lengthy comment. i, of course, always wish for as much length as anyone can give me.
hey, shatner has always really confused me. i mean, i want to hate him for his star trek role. i hated the characters in the original star trek. they seemed so in competition with each other. not at all like characters act in shows i like. such as the next generation and hercules, the legendary journeys etc. but then, i see him hilaryizing me with conan o'brian. he's such a weirdo or something. so, of course i like him. what's up with that link. just say buy this it's good or don't go here there's no reason to. for one, which i am sure you're not aware of, i have no sound at this computer at work. so...
At 3:26 PM,
ClickNathan said…
hmmm...buying Has Been would be a stretch. Like buying America's Funniest Home Videos Season 1 on DVD because of the dog on episode two that can do backflips to the beat of the theme song from "Let's make a deal"
But if you can listen to it on the internet for free, it might be worth it. It at least has a few more good ideas than that stupid jumping dog would have...
Shatner in general...probably a giant dousche bag in his hey day, but has long since realized that he is a walking joke and better to live with it than not.
I can appreciate some of his ideas. Unfortunately he had to wait until he was almost dead to formulate them, whereas you or Shawn could have (and probably did) easily come up with them while half in the bag and still in college.
At 4:37 PM,
chad was marco said…
that's the fun part julie, just interpret it however you wish. but beware, this will turn you into a person. but it's cool, you can always change. just don't get too attached to who you are.
At 2:05 PM,
Salomé said…
I just read your most recent three posts. It's so interesting to read what you write because your thought process seems so unfamiliar to me. It's like visiting another planet, and I mean this in the best possible way. Just the way you put things is so... I can't really find good words for this, but uncommon will have to do for now. I love the story about the girl at the cigarette bar. See, I think that we are all walking around as if we don't know each other. But in fact, we do. And sometimes when we actually have to talk to someone for some reason, we notice. And we think it's just them and it's just that situation. But it's not. And that story is a good example of it. In every little increment of time, there is some choice we make that could changeour lives forever. (Someday I'll tell you about the Eschereque multiverse theory.)
At 12:43 PM,
chad was marco said…
thanks salome
hmmm, i'll start by telling you how envious i am of you. take the second half of your comment. the idea about us all being the same and all that. what is envious is how you were able to write it out clearly. i know exactly what you mean but if i tried to put it into my own words it would come out so befuddled that i would barely understand what i was saying. and though i take a little pride in describing things differently because it is somewhat entertaining and new i don't think i'm really getting across what i want to. ideas spark in my head left and right but they are usually all theories and they all need paragraphs to explain them but i don't want to lose the sweep of understanding and continuation of idea to idea that i'm on. and by the time i go back to extrapolate i've lost all of the flesh behind the idea. it is extremely frustrating, but i'm hoping that practicing here in particular and there in general will allow me to better write out my ideas. one problem with why i didn't start writing before, like in high school or something, was that i thought that trying your best was characterized by trying to do things that you couldn't do. but now i'm realizing the benefit of just doing my best and by that i mean writing and writing and writing and when i fail at explaining an idea in the way that i want to i just let it go. wheras before i would have spent ten minutes trying to get it right and after i would lose myself in that effort i'd give up. hence, why i didn't write when i was younger. probably like weight lifting too. i only focused on lifting the absolute most i could and so i'd go from no effort to maximum effort and this was a common theme throughout all of my activities. i'd lay on the couch all day and then i'd cram for half an hour for a midterm, or i'd go sprint a mile and then come home and lay down again. i was certainly on my way to a heart attack. it was the kind of lifestyle that gets them. anyway, thanks for your interest and comments, i'm always on the look out for interesting and clearly written people. i hope to steal some of their well-puttedness. goodbye.
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